A Doubly-Blessed Life

Year in review, and a guess at what is to come

2010-01-01T19:44:00.001-08:00

Big events for each month of the last year - yep, that's right, I go a months without saying anything and then post a novella:

January: Got fired six days into the year. With this auspicious beginning, DH and I both start looking for work.

February: No one has found a job yet. Despite the financial stress and mounting credit card bills, the whole family seems to be generally doing better than 2008 (when we were dealing with many health issues and family struggles, and the girls were not getting the parental attention they needed).

March: Our credit card debt grows and our bank account empties completely. I find a year-long contract position and start March 15th. DH keeps watching the girls and looking for work. The UI check for all my UI payments for the last 2.5 months arrives one week after my first paycheck, just in time to pay for the mortgage for April.

April: Birthday celebrations for all! Grandparents are very generous to our daughters. There's also an anniversary in there, but as usual, no one makes a big fuss about it. DH keeps applying for jobs, and has it down to a fine art. He applies to 3 or 4 jobs a day when they are available, and does this in about 2 to 3 hours a day.

May: We have an unplanned pregnancy, as expected. The only surprise is that it took so long to happen. Although we are both quite worried about how we'll manage the birth in this economy, there is also a subtle resurgence of hope and motivation that our family sorely needed.

June: Stupid car keeps breaking down. I garden when I'm not working.

July: Not only does the stupid car keep breaking down, it's going to need a $2,400 repair in 6 months. We decide it's worth adding to our huge pile of debt to get a new car using Cash for Clunkers. We mitigate our embarressment over having a new car (and the accompanying debt) by getting the vehicle with the lowest Total Cost to Own that we can find, which turns out to be a Honda Fit and quite possibly the car we would have bought anyways if we'd had money. The girls promptly name "her" Bluea.

August: Outdoors projects! A new firepit, one fish pond turns into a sandbox, the garden grows and we eat lots of fresh snow peas. Blueberries come to adorn our front yard. DH starts getting rejection notices occasionally, and we both find this immensely encouraging and take it as a sign that the economy is improving.

September: I realize we're two weeks behind on our mortgage, and try budgeting with Mint.com, which is a really neat service. DH starts getting scheduled for phone interviews that then get cancelled because the job filled before anyone actually interviewed him. My sister gives us a free car that she'd located for us back when we were having car troubles.

October: It's a girl! I make a spreadsheet of all our expected income and predictable expenses through the end of the year, in addition to the budget at Mint.com. DH starts actually getting interviews in person and on the phone, rather than just scheduling and cancelling interviews. The girls have to use last year's Halloween costumes, but still have a great time trick-or-treating with the grandparents.

November: I start putting effort into stocking the freezer so we have food when the baby arrives. DH and I finally agree on a name for the baby. DH gets a job offer for a seasonal tax software support position, and accepts it. I get a holiday bonus for Thanksgiving. We come home from a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the step-family in-laws with butternut squash and an excellent bottle of home-made wine.

December: During a cold snap while we can't afford to heat the house, the shower drain freezes solid for about a week. The girls get excited about Christmas despite the lack of decor. I get extra hours at work plus holiday pay, but then lose some money when the family gets sick. We still have enough money to buy work clothes for DH and a few gifts and much needed things. We go to the San Juan Islands to visit the in-laws for Christmas, and a gloriously relaxing time is had by all. DH starts his job the last week of the year, and I start working from home on a schedule that is flexible enough that I can also care for the children. It's a little crazy, but works well enough.

And, looking forward to early 2010, here is what we expect to have happen:

January: DH continues to work while I care for the children and work from home. The baby is due January 22nd, which means 95% chance of being born between January 8th and February 5th. My family tends to run late, so bet on early February. I won't be taking maternity leave at all unless I absolutely physically must. The laptop comes to the hospital with me, and I could conceivably return to my work before I return to my home. DH will probably take a day or two of unpaid sick time to be with me until I leave the hospital.

February: DH could lose his job this month, but I'm guessing he won't. So this month will probably be him working full-time in the office and doing all the housework and cooking (he'll have a good freezer stash to work with) while I work full-time from home and care for the children - including the baby, who will essentially live on the nursing pillow while I work. I suspect I'm going to need some help, especially immediately after the birth.

March: DH could lose his job this month, and it's actually pretty likely that he will. I will definitely lose my job this month, as my contract ends March 15th. I'm supposed to be in the office to train my replacement from March 1st to March 15th. If DH is still working, we will need childcare during that time. I have no idea who or how that will work. Once the contract ends, I will get UI. We shouls also have a $1,000 emergency fund and may have some additional savings. There is a small chance that our mortgage payment might be reduced by $1,000 a month permanently starting about now if our application last October for a Home Mortgage Loan Modification finally goes through, but we aren't counting on it.

April: If DH hasn't lost his job yet, it will end by the 15th of this month. If he does get this far without being laid off, he might get UI. It won't be much, but every little bit helps. Either way, he's going to be looking for any work he can get to keep us from going broke, so I can focus on getting the best job I can. I don't want to end my "UI-paid maternity leave" for anything less than enough to cover our expenses and get us out of debt pretty quickly, too.

May: Our emergency fund and my UI will keep us in the black through this month even if DH's job ends back in March or earlier and even if we put all his income to paying off our credit cards. However, we'll need some additional income between March 15th and the end of May to make it through June in the black. We are pretty optimistic about being able to manage this.

Looking beyond May gets pretty hazy . . . things could end up being really messy financially, in the worst case, which could result in rough times for the whole family. Things could end up being really great, in the best case. So much depends on us finding jobs, and maybe even finding good jobs, and we only have so much control over that. However, I can say that baby Audrey will probably say her first word in 2010, and might even take her first steps near the end of the year. The twins will continue to grow up, and by December they will be 4 years 9 months old. We'll need to start deciding if we will put them into a public school kindergarten in September of 2011 or not. And, of course, we'll be in God's hands no matter what happens, and we will have each other (barring tragedy). There are some things that just don't depend on finances, and I would be a fool not to consider them worth mentioning.

Talking with the kids about birth

2009-11-16T19:05:00.000-08:00

Iliana has asked a number of times about whether or not the baby has toys in my womb. I've explained to her that the baby doesn't yet know how to play with toys, and right now she just plays by kicking and moving her body. Of course, Iliana thinks this is sad and wants to get some toys in my womb for the baby to play with.

Both girls have been very curious about the idea of birth. I've been giving them all the information I can as they ask for it, and that seems to be working pretty well. I'm rather surprised by how they seem to handle the most explicit and even gory details just fine. Iliana was surprised to learn that there was a hole there for a baby to come out of. Lenora wanted to know about their birth as well, which was a C-section, and handled the cheerful, frank, and explicit three-sentence summary I gave her just fine - even the bit about the doctors cutting into my womb. She just listened and said, "Oh!" and then went back to playing. Who knows how much she actually retained?

Now I'm just waiting until we're waiting in line at the supermarket and they start explaining what they've learned to some hapless person who just happens to be standing next to us.

OAMC tricks

2009-10-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

I do occasional once-a-month-cooking days still, but I've started to work out a few tricks to make it a bit easier lately.

The biggest trick I've figured out is that you save a lot of time by not cooking specifically for just the next month. Instead, you cook a lot of similar meals, but you are cooking 1/3rd of the meals you will eat for the next 3 months. Cooking similar meals is a major timesaver, cuts down on the number of ingredients and prep-steps you need to do, and most meals that can be frozen for a month won't have any issues if they are in a deep freezer for another two months.

So far, I've figured out a few groupings of meals that work well for my family and have similar preperation steps: Bean soups and chilis, pizzas, marinades and meats, stir fries, and pasta sauces.

At this point, I've done this style of once-a-month cooking with bean soups and chilis, and with pizzas. I got a lot more done in the same amount of time. Now I'm trying to decide what I want to do for next week. I'm leaning towards marinades, but meat is expensive and our budget is tight right now. I do have a lot of fish already in the freezer, so maybe prepping marinades and marinating the fish and seafood this week, then buy and marinate some beef and chicken next week? Stir-fry could be fun instead, but pasta sauces would probably be really easy and something lighter sounds good right now.

Maybe I'll just reorganize the freezer so it's easier to get to what we already have. That might be more useful in the long run.

My long-term dream is to eventually be able to do this with friends, as a potluck-style party. Something like, have everyone bring 10 cups of pre-soaked beans and one other item off of a list of ingredients, and then enjoy making bean soups together with what everyone brings. Or "bring your own crusts and some toppings" and make pizzas together.

Kids say the cutest things

2009-10-21T11:58:00.001-07:00

I got a few good quotes from the girls recently.

A few weeks back, Lenora offered me some of her food. I thanked her, and she told me that she was feeding the baby!

Lenora is so ready to help nurture and care for her baby sister. Iliana seems to be more ready for a playmate, so I suspect she won't show more than curiousity until the baby gets more active and can interact a bit more. Lenora wanted a baby sister, and Iliana wanted a baby brother. I suspect Iliana has noticed that younger boys tend to be more active than younger girls, and therefore more interesting (to her mindset). Lenora wants something to cuddle and love, so "more active" isn't a good thing to her. Judging by the kicking, this child might be more like Iliana than Lenora. Then again, it might just be that this little girl has more room to move around.

Other cutisms:
When I got home from work on Monday, Iliana ran up to me saying, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Then she got to me and asked, "Did you buy anything?" I think she wasn't asking for presents, so much as she was realizing that when I come home before their bedtime, I've usually bought groceries. But it was still funny!

At bedtime, Lenora was talking to herself a lot - then suddenly out of nowhere she looks a little concerned and says, "But Mommy, if you keep getting bigger, then maybe you might not be able to fit in the house." I reassured her that the baby would be born and would finish growing outside of me, just like them, and I would go back to my normal size. She didn't seem convinced - I think she then said, "But you might not . . ."

Thoughts on Obama's speech

2009-09-10T12:36:00.001-07:00

These are my off-the-cuff, as I read the text, reactions to Obama's health care speech.

"Others are self-employed, and can't afford it, since buying insurance on your own costs you three times as much as the coverage you get from your employer."
If you are lucky. We found that buying coverage on our own was cheaper for at least my husband and daughters, and these days I'm wondering if there might have been a cheaper option for me as well. But I can accept this as an average.

"More and more Americans worry that if you move, lose your job, or change your job, you'll lose your health insurance too. More and more Americans pay their premiums, only to discover that their insurance company has dropped their coverage when they get sick, or won't pay the full cost of care."
Yep, this is what I worry about. Pre-existing conditions and job loss.

"Under this plan, it will be against the law for insurance companies to deny you coverage because of a pre-existing condition. As soon as I sign this bill, it will be against the law for insurance companies to drop your coverage when you get sick or water it down when you need it most."
Okay, this is something I want to see . . . I think. A little clarification might be nice, though. But it sounds like something I think we need.

"We will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out-of-pocket expenses, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they get sick."
I think I disagree with this. People should be allowed to take higher deductibles and pay more out of pocket if they choose. A person can reasonably save $20K in their life, and choose to take a $20K deductible to lower their health insurance costs. A person who works hard might be able to save $100K, and some people would rather depend on home equity they've built up than pay for a low-deductible plan. There should not be such a limit, IMO.

"And insurance companies will be required to cover, with no extra charge, routine checkups and preventive care, like mammograms and colonoscopies – because there's no reason we shouldn't be catching diseases like breast cancer and colon cancer before they get worse. That makes sense, it saves money, and it saves lives."
"With no extra charge" worries me. Are they saying that insurance companies shouldn't be reimbursed for this care? That doesn't make sense to me. But I do want to see incentives of SOME kind for people to get preventative care, so this might be something I agree with . . . more clarification is needed.

"the second part of this plan will finally offer you quality, affordable choices. . . . We will do this by creating a new insurance exchange – a marketplace where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at competitive prices."

How is this different from eHealthInsurance.com? That's what we used to shop around for competitively priced insurance. And it worked GREAT for us! I guess I don't see why the government is doing this, what it is adding. Visibility of choice, at least, I guess. There is something to be said for that.

"In the meantime, for those Americans who can't get insurance today because they have pre-existing medical conditions, we will immediately offer low-cost coverage that will protect you against financial ruin if you become seriously ill. This was a good idea when Senator John McCain proposed it in the campaign, it's a good idea now, and we should embrace it."
A public option for catastrophic care? Is that what this is? If so, I support it whole-heartedly. And also if it is just for those w/ pre-existing conditions.

"That's why under my plan, individuals will be required to carry basic health insurance – just as most states require you to carry auto insurance."
I call bullshit. I don't think a single state has this requirement. I know lots of people who don't carry auto-insurance. The consequence, of course, is that they aren't legally allowed to drive - but there is a way to avoid it. I have used this option in the past to save money. I know people who never bothered to get their license. Sorry, the analogy proves your opponents' points.

Also, what is the definiton of "basic" health isurance? Catasrophic + preventative care makes more sense. Anything else should NOT be required for sure - there are ways to handle more normal expenses, like savings. And we need to be careful not to over-cover care so that market forces continue to apply.

"And one more misunderstanding I want to clear up – under our plan, no federal dollars will be used to fund abortions, and federal conscience laws will remain in place."
This had better be true.

"But an additional step we can take to keep insurance companies honest is by making a not-for-profit public option available in the insurance exchange."
I support this, with some misgivings.
"based on Congressional Budget Office estimates, we believe that less than 5% of Americans would sign up."
I find this plausible. I really don't know that a public option would be able to offer anything better than a private option - unless it's subsidized (duh duh duhhhhhh).
"[Insurance companies] argue that these private companies can't fairly compete with the government. And they'd be right if taxpayers were subsidizing this public insurance option. But they won't be. I have insisted that like any private insurance company, the public insurance option would have to be self-sufficient and rely on the premiums it collects."
Yep, I support this. That's my main misgiving.

"And if we are able to slow the growth of health care costs by just one-tenth of one percent each year, it will actually reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over the long term."
Boy, "the long term" - is that ever vague! Ten years? One hundred? Infinity, approaching 4 trillion as an asymptote?

Hrm . . . other than mandated health insurance and possibly limits on out-of-pocket expenses, it actually sounds pretty good to me. I really don't like the insurance mandate, unless it's basically catastrophic care and maybe a little preventative care that gets insured, but I do want to see a non-subsidized public option. And I don't believe we're going to get all this for free, either.

Home Loan Modification is still possible!

2009-09-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

We applied for a "Making Homes Affordable" home loan modification last June. This is the program where they will give you an obscenely low interest rate and stretch the term of your mortgage loan in order to bring your payments down to 38% of your income, if you meet certain qualifications like at least a 10% decrease in income during the last year. It's designed to keep people from going into foreclosure because of the economy affecting both income and the value of their homes.

Today I called about trying to avoid a late fee and get back on track with our mortgage payments. Tons of car repairs and missed work in the last few months caused us to eat through our emergency budget and then fall behind on mortgage payments. While we were talking, he asked about this program and I said that we applied, but never heard back and that it sounded like our situation was too bad to qualify. He assured me that this didn't make sense, took a look at our file, and found that they had made some mistakes about the requirements and never notified us that we needed to send some more paperwork before our case could be reviewed!

To be reviewed properly for the Home Modification, we need to gather some documents and fax them. Getting the modification will have the following effects for us:
(1) Our mortgage payment will be decreased by about $1K per month
(2) We will pay far less interest over the lifetime of our loan
(3) The length of our loan will likely be extended somewhat (assuming we don't pay ahead)
(4) Our credit score will be damaged (I guess we'd better get debt-free so that doesn't matter!)
(5) We will need to attend debt counseling, which we can probably get for free from the HUD. It will be a bit of a hassle to arrange and attend, but it's a sensible requirement and we'll undoubtedly be able to make good use of the counseling time.
(6) Our "realistic worst case" scenario goes from missing 2 to 3 housing payments over the next year (when my contract ends and I can't work at MS for 100 days) to being able to save ahead so that we have what we need to at least break even during that period. The "realistic worst case" scenario, BTW, is that I finish my contract and DH still isn't working, I get unemployment for 100 days without finding another job, and then return to my old job at the same pay. This is what we assume the future will look like when planning and budgeting. Odds are that things will actually work out better than this, but we aren't counting on it.

So the Home Loan Modification isn't without a downside, but it's a very useful tool for where we are right now.

Jobs - wouldn't it be great?

2009-08-31T13:27:00.001-07:00

It's no secret I want to work less and stay home more. DH likes this idea too, except for the reality that we haven't yet figured out a realistic way to afford it.

I'm wondering more and more if we could possibly pull off something clever with contract work long-term, so that I spend 6 months at home and DH spends 3 months at home each year, with 3 months where we both work and the children are in care - sort of a reverse-summer-break.

This would actually work as a two-year cycle to maximize the time DH and I can spend at each job. In other words, DH would work for 18 months straight and I would work for 1 year straight, with three months of overlap at each end.

A plan like this has a number of hang-ups, and I've already thought of probably 90% of them and come up with decent solutions for most that I've thought of, with ease. However, there is one thing that absolutely must be in place before we deliberately attempt this, something that I am less sure how to handle:

Debt-free with three to six months expenses in the bank.

This is where this plan gets tough. A plan like the one I described has significant financial risk every three to six months, and we MUST have some buffer space! To get this, DH and I will need to work simultaneously for roughly two years netting $20K per year above our non-debt expenses before we can even start (obviously, we're not including mortgage debt here!). There are other ideas, but none that we can count on (e.g., start a business netting $20 to 30 K a year; have one of us work nights consistently; and so on). Even having us both work has a number of variables we can't control, like that DH has been looking for work for 8 months with no luck already and that childcare could eat through his income if hours don't work out.

Could we handle it? Is it worth it to put our kids in childcare for two years? Is there another way to get these $$?

Garden and landscaping plans

2009-07-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

I think we have about 4 more hours of work before we have a useable sandbox, plus maybe 2 hours of finishing touches that can be done once we see how the sadbox works as-is when we first unveil it. The other projects I'd like to do are:

Setting up a small raised garden near where we park the car, and transplanting the roses there (I have two that seem like climbers), with a trellis or arbor for them to grow over. I'm thinking this would also be a good place for lavendar, rosemary, and thyme.
Removing at least the west 1/3rd of the front yard and planting Sunshine Blueberry plants (only grow to about 2 feet) and strawberries (should be a good groundcover companion plant). If I have time, I'd like to clear out the rest of the grass as well and throw in a rhubarb and maybe some red huckleberries . . . not sure what else would grow there, it doesn't get a lot of sun.
Clearing out the middle pond, filling it with good garden dirt, and turning it into a lovely new garden patch.
Getting a grate to cover the smallest pond with, so we can keep it as a holding pond without worrying about kids falling in.
Removing a number of dead plants that were killed by those strong frosts last winter, so their space can be planted again. I'll possibly also remove a number of ornamental trees that are in the way or blocking light. I don't really like ornamental plants that much. It's probably my engineer nature - I prefer a combination of form and function, with function being slightly more important.
A bunch of smaller wants, like putting in red huckleberries and weeding the edge of the future garden pond.
I don't really expect to get to this, but perhaps next summer I want to put in a large French-drain system with flagstones (so it doubles as a path) through the swamp that develops in winter and spring near the picinc table, and extend the raised beds out to the edges of that drain to get more growing space and less flooding space. Hopefully we can engineer the drains to empty into the holding pond.
Another "probably next year" item is making one giant raised bed back behind the shed.
Another thing for next year is turning part of the shed into a playhouse for the girls. I was going to do that this summer, but making the ponds safe seemed more important when I actually got to work. Mainly, it needs to be treated for mildew, and I'd like to repaint it.
Future dreams also include raising chickens to one side of the shed, and putting together a fancy playground for the kids with a slide, swings, and all that stuff. I'm not sure how realistic either of these is, but I'd love to be able to do both.

My garden plans for next spring are really starting to gel. The hardest part is trying to plan for simplicity during what are normally the busiest months for gardeners, when the baby will arrive and I will still be working full-time. I'd be a fool to think I'll be getting more than 30 minutes a week to garden, so my plans have to be streamlined during that phase.

I'm going to put in peas to the east of the patio, in the kitchen garden, and runner beans to the south. The peas were easily the most effortless thing I grew last year, so I should have no trouble planting them. I'm hoping runner beans will be just as easy. In front of the peas, I want to put in peppers and onions, and maybe garlic. Hopefully the pond-garden will be done, and I can put tomatoes there, but if not then I will have to fit them in the kitchen garden with the peppers. It'll be a regular salsa garden!

Finally, I'm going to make a real effort to get in an herb container garden next year. I can do a lot of the prep work this year by getting the pots and soil ready to go, so I just need to start the seedlings and pop them in!

I have dreams of chard, kale, carrots, potatoes, artichokes, asparagus, raspberries, blackberries, and more. I might try one or two of these if I finish the pond garden, but otherwise I think I need to just accept that those things will have to wait until I am a bit more prepared and experienced, and not quite so busy.

Looks like I'm going to be blogging again, eventually

2009-07-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to start another blog again . . . but I want to be a lot more prepared this time around, so I probably won't start publishing for months. It might be 2010 before I get going.

I got some definite interest from one Catholic forum on the idea of creating resources for Catholic WOHMs. However, it wasn't quite overwhelming enough for me to want to make this a priority and declare it a clear vocation. This subject is important enough to me that I want to spend more time thinking about it and seeing what I can come up with, but I want to approach it very much in a "We'll see how it goes" fashion, with the recognition that this attitude means that I may never make any meaningful progress.

I'm thinking that the blog won't be geared towards just WOHMs. This is because I want to learn from SAHMs. They already have done a lot to discern about living Catholic daily lives when busy, figuring out how to support each other as women and mothers, and are able to balance different styles without demeaning each other.

Another reason to write for SAHMs as well is to make sure that I can speak to WOHMs without demeaning mothers who are home with their children full-time, many of whom have sacrificed to do this. Also, I want to send a clear message that the "Mommy Wars" aren't necessary and aren't Catholic. They are a construct of society. The goal of all Catholic mothers should be to serve their God, their families, and their community. For some women, they will need to be employed to do this to the fullest, giving to their families indirectly through their paychecks. For others, they will need to stay home and give more of themselves directly to their family.

My thought for a blog name is "Mary and Gianna" - as in, Mother Mary and St. Gianna. I think these women encapsulate the essence of the "employed vs. at-home" mother 'debate' as it should be framed by Catholics. Clearly Mary is the perfect woman, who served God in an especially feminine and fulfilling way by mothering Jesus with her entire life. Yet St. Gianna was called by God to serve in a very different way despite also being a mother, by serving her community through her employment as well until the birth of her fourth child (and her subsequent death). It is difficult to find much information about St. Gianna's work-life balance, sadly (I'm hoping her love letters will give me some clues), but the Vatican posts on their website that, "With simplicity and equilibrium she harmonized the demands of mother, wife, doctor and her passion for life."

I think this expresses a healthy philosophy - that mothers who dedicate their lives to their children, especially during the early years, fulfill a special vision of feminine and maternal virtue that is shown most clearly and beautifully in the Mother of Our Lord. However, this does not mean that this is the only path to feminine, maternal virtue! Employed mothers need to find ways to serve God, family, and community that may not be the same as mothers who are able to be in the home and community more, rather than in a workplace. In discerning these ways we can serve, we can draw from church teachings on women, motherhood, and labor, and also from fathers and other men who have been combining holiness and employment as the normal way of life for so long.

I won't be able to put much energy into this until at least autumn. I really want to get a few more big projects done in the yard, mostly filling up or covering the old ponds so they aren't a safety hazard (kids playing outside unaccompanied - yay!).

First step on "being the change" has been taken.

2009-07-14T14:20:00.001-07:00

I just threw a post up on a Catholic forum asking other employed mothers if they wanted something like the support for SAHMs from a Catholic perspective. If I get good responses, I'll probably post around in a few other places to see if the good response is consistent. I threw it up about ten minutes ago, and already have about three replies, so that's a good sign :)

If there is enough interest, I'll probably kick off a blog on the topic as a low-commitment way to gauge further the interest in such a project, to gauge my own ability to commit to such a project on top of everything else (very important to know!), to practice writing on the topic, to build community, and to start storing up a collection of links, articles, and research that maybe could later go into a book on the subject.

What does the Catholic church say about WOHMs?

2009-07-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

I love the way the Catholic church and its members support SAHMs, especially in the face of secular attitudes towards feminism and motherhood. I love the way it validates, uplifts, and upholds their work as the fulfillment of feminine virtue.

What I don't love is the resounding near-silence from most of the church and its members when it comes to employed moms. It's not that employed moms should be treated as an "alternate ideal", because there are good, sound reasons for mothers to generally be more involved with home life and less involved with employed life, while fathers take the opposite path in general. Yet so many mothers are employed, and many for good reasons, while the amount of support for these mothers from the church is very small. I ache every time I read one of the many wonderful articles or reviews of books written to support SAHMs, or hear about a great program like "Mary and Martha" that helps women discover their path to follow Christ in their homes, not because I resent them, but because I feel the same need for guidance that those mothers must feel - but don't get these wonderful, considerate answers that they do.

There is a saying: Be the change you want to see in the world. I'm trying to figure out if I can do this, somehow. Could I do something to give mothers like mea sense of community and holiness in their lives? Do other mothers even feel this want the way I do, or am I just different somehow? If it's not just me, can I do this in a way that does not diminish the virtues and work of SAHMs, but rather ties together motherly virtue and the workplace in such a way that WOHMs feel united with our sisters in Christ who serve their families in the homes? Can the rich advice and abundant guides to holiness for SAHMs, combined with church teachings on daily labor, give employed mothers a guide to living the virtues they've been given with the life that they've been given, so we don't feel excluded from the blessings of church community by the circumstances that lead to our employment outside the home?

I think that such a philosophy would flow quite naturally from church teachings, when those teachings are closely examined by anyone with personal experience in this area. And I want to know what this philosophy would look like. Surely there is information available. There have been saints who have pursued daily work while living holy lives, most pertinently St. Gianna. Nor can I believe that the church does not speak to the many men who labor for their families - surely many principles that apply to these men will apply to many women as well.

At the same time, such a task would be daunting at a time when there is so much else happening in my life. It would take research, interviews, networking, lots of thought, analysis of other women's needs, consideration of my own biases, community building, and so much more. Some of these tasks suit my introverted, analytical nature - but many would require me to step well outside of my comfort zone, asking for help and support from people I may admire or consider better than myself to complete this project, and interacting with many strangers over a potentially very personal topic.

I also expect that this would be less a situation of philosophy formation than of discovery. I think the answers are already out there, just buried under controversy and confusion arising from "Mommy Wars", radical feminism, and secular voices that praise employed mothers for all the wrong reasons. These are real controversies, but I firmly believe that they result from confusion, rather than from any real opposition - and "the truth will set you free." I want to uncover the hidden message of what God's revelation means for the employed mother's daily life, so we can enjoy the same rich meaning that I see in the lives of SAHMs.

Baby!

2009-07-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I haven't gotten around to blogging about our new family member yet, and the first trimester is already almost over! Our baby's birth is expected in early February. The due date is January 22nd, but my family has a "tradition" of staying pregnant until at least 42 weeks, when they are induced or schedule a surgery.

Unfortunately, the Evergreen midwives (whom I received prenatal care from with my twins, until the cord was discovered to be presenting and I needed a C-section) are not an option for the birth. I will be attempting a VBAC, and the Evergreen midwives have a policy of scheduling a C-section for 41 weeks if you don't go into labor first as a VBAC. There's no good medical reason - they do it to avoid liability risks.

I'm trying to transfer my care to Dr. Dana Blackham, who really impressed me during our meet-and-greet with his transparency, knowledge, and interest in my input. Plus, his "late baby VBAC policy" allows for going to 43 weeks or even slightly later with regular ultrasounds and stress tests after 42 weeks (to detect post-maturity syndrome, I presume). Since a late baby is normal in my family, this was a good sign. He also didn't freak out about the idea of a VBAC with a 9-pound baby - and large babies are another family tradition, large even for late babies by a good half pound.

I also need to find a doula, which I haven't yet put much work into. I'd like to find someone who can not only support me & DH in the normal ways, by suggesting ways to cope with labor, but who can also support my faith. I want very much for my birth to be a chance for spiritual growth rather than just a situation to be endured. I don't know how realistic that is, having never been in labor, and I might be naive about being able to gain strength from prayer while, say, going through the transition phase - but I also know that when I get a strong "gut feeling" like this, it's usually worth checking out and putting some effort into. I don't object at all to people laughing at me if I throw the Rosary beads at the doula and beg for an epidural when push comes to shove . . . so to speak.

The girls are excited about the baby, although I think the idea is still a bit abstract for them. They know the baby will be here about one month after Christmas, so they get that there is a wait involved. We'll probably make a "baby advent calendar" from Christmas until a few weeks after the due date, to help them understand the timeline.

DH is also starting to show some signs of excitement, which is a big step. This baby wasn't exactly a surprise, but wasn't exactly planned either. I've been wanting to get pregnant again for about a year and a half, so I had few problems adjusting when our lazy attempts at avoiding pregnancy "failed". DH is in a different position, though. I will say that we both relaxed a lot once we learned that there was only one baby to prepare for, as twins would have devastating implications for our budget. It's not that babies are expensive (they aren't), but twin pregnancy and birth would highly impact my ability to earn an income. Our expenses can't go much lower than they are, since we are upside-down on our mortgage and can't sell the house. We could trim off maybe another $30 a month if we invested several hours a week, but at that point we're better off making sure I stay healthy and don't miss work with that time. It's just a better investment to keep me from missing a day and losing $200+ in income.

I need to write another post about car-buying, and another post about the cool home-improvement stuff I've been up to this last weekend, plus should also tell about our wonderful 4th of July - which, to me, really seemed like something out of a storybook, the stuff nostalgia is made of.

Honestly, the financial stress and what-ifs have been a constant annoyance - but overall, I really feel like my life since getting fired from MS has been quite blessed. It's not exactly because I was fired, although getting rid of the bad history at that job and getting lots of time with my children (who desperately needed an attentive parent by that point) really did help everyone get their feet back on the ground.

Pregnancy has also been a great blessing. I really don't take good enough care of myself normally, whether because I'm busy and too much depends on me, or I'm trying to save money, or whatever. Pregnancy forces me to give greater weight to my own health, both because of the increased frailty of my health and because the baby's health is dependent upon my own. The net result is better work-life balance, and I actually get more done than usual at home and work, while still being fairly available to the kids. A lot of this is because I lean more on DH, and find that DH is also strengthened by the challenge of providing for this baby so that he is more available than normal. He was an amazing father during and after my first pregnancy, and I can see him finding his way back into that role again during this pregnancy.

Gardening rocks

2009-06-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Gardening is really starting to grow on me (pun intended ;) Let's see, I have peas coming in - not quite as fast as I want, I may have to plant more next year. Strawberries are just starting - thanks to the Weibers for the plants they gave us last year, which each have about a dozen berries or more this year! The tomatoes are starting to have little green fruits. We have a couple tiny jalepeno peppers growing. I finally got some lettuce to grow, and just planted some more lettuce seeds - which look like they are sprouting as well! Lots of green onions, too, and a few rainbow chard plants are doing quite nice. I threw in a couple of squash, but am not sure yet how they are taking to their new home.

Next year I definitely want to do more with growing food. I'm going to try and track down some blueberries this autumn for our apparently wet and acidic soil, and have some landscaping plans that will greatly increase the amount of fertile earth for growing yummy stuff. I even found a possible filler material: Yard waste! We have tons of yard waste from weeds I've pulled out, and then we can spend just for the nice soil we'll need on top. The yard waste will probably settle over time and we'll need to add more dirt, but that's okay.

Landscaping plans include breaking down the linings for our emptied fish ponds and turning those into a garden (the big one) and a sand box (the small-but-deep one). I also have big plans for the front yard, but need a little time to polish those off - but part of them is a large strawberry patch. I love strawberries! The back corner area apparently gets pretty good sun, and so I want to put some raised beds in there as well. Plus I'm hoping to cover up all those weeds . . . that place is truly infested! I also want to dig a moat around the table in our yard (which floods in winter right now), and move it to make enough room for a campfire area so we can have cookouts in our own yard. However, I know I'll be happy to just get one or two of these big projects done in the next year or so. Some smaller plans are making some nets out of twine for peas and beans to grow up, starting some seedlings in egg cartons next year (we have lots of those!), setting up more of the pots we got with the house with good dirt (and no weeds) and using them for food, and getting more of the seeds that did well this year and planting even more of them next year.

If I get to stay home or go back to school anytime soon (possibilities for when my contract ends next March), then I want to also get some egg-laying chickens. It'll only take a little work to turn part of our shed into a chicken run - just a little chicken wire, and knocking out one wall to give access to an outdoors area. But I'm not going to try and care for chickens as long as I'm also working full-time.

Article on Evangelism for Introverts

2009-05-01T12:43:00.000-07:00

I am very much an introvert. I'm high-energy enough that I can come across as an extrovert, but I actually will get more and more drained the more I interact with a large number of people. I like my "me" time.

So this is the kind of advice I love: Evangelism for Introverts

And as a companion to this article, some great advice I've heard recently: "Let God do the heavy lifting."

DH passed his Network+!

2009-04-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Yes!!!! DH passed his Network+ certfication exam. Now he has something fresh to put on his resume, and can turn his attention to finding work!

Once he recovers from the weekend, that is: We spent the whole weekend watching my sister's kids, first at our house and then at theirs. Three three-year-olds and an eight-year-old (who was very helpful, except that she was sick for part of the weekend).

It was fun. For me. DH really prefers the quiet life, and who can blame him?

Credit unions are neat

2009-04-10T10:52:00.001-07:00

I finally started to take advantage of one of the benefits of our credit union: Free financial advising. I am very impressed by how much support we are getting right off of the bat!

I expected a quick, 15-minute conversation that would point us in the right direction and leave us to do the footwork. Instead, they are really taking a look with us at our budget (I had to fill out a long workbook with all the gory details) and then having us track our spending for the next month to make sure these numbers seem accurate - and they provided me with a handy Excel spreadsheet, which saves me the effort of having to make my own. The conversation is mostly over email, which is very convenient for everyone.

This is a big help for me, since it brings out my desire to "show off" in a good way - I want these people to be impressed by how quickly we get out of debt! It's not really all that different from setting up a financial partnership with friends to share finances and keep each other on track, but this way I know we're not inconveniencing anyone. This is these fellows' jobs!

Girl anecdote

2009-04-10T10:43:00.001-07:00

DH and I communicate via IM throughout the day, with me mainly asking him about things weighing on my mind from the "family life" sphere, and him sharing information about how the day is going so I don't feel too disconnected. I get some great stories from him, and here is one of them:

"Iliana and I were having a conversation about not drawing on me
and she was asking very nicely if she could draw an O on various parts of my arm, to which I was saying no.

"And she finally stopped asking if she could draw on me and said instead, "I can draw on you after you say yes. Say yes daddy!""

Since this is my diary, effectively, as much as anything is, it is a good place to record this. Someday I need to collect all the various bits and pieces I've written down and put them together in a book for the girls when they get older. I know that for me, that was even cooler than a scrapbook or photo album (although Flickr gives us that, as well) - my grandmother had a plastic-bound book of all the cute things her kids had said over the years, including my sister and I.

New debt ticker

2009-04-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm stealing another thing from Annaberri's blog - the Debt Ticker! Look to the left side-bar and you'll see ours. It's for non-mortgage debt only, BTW.

We're apparently already 8% of the way over the mountain of debt - mostly due to the unemployment check finally arriving. It filled up our "monthly expenses" account, our $1,000 "emergency funds" account, and then took out one entire (albeit small) credit card's debt and scratched at the edge of one of the two big credit card debts.

We still have yet to see how much we can chisel off each month. At first it will probably be something like 1 to 2%, but we should be able to roll little additional amounts of money into that.

Things are thawing!

2009-04-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not just referring to the warming ground and the shoots of peas coming up in my kitchen garden (much as I am fascinated by them).

I'm talking about the economy. And the fact that DH and I were both just contacted about job opportunities by people we applied to for different positions over a month ago. I told mine I'd be available next March, and DH is probably going to rush out his application today.

Plus, DH just scheduled his Network+ exam. It will be in just over a week. Wow!

Appreciate your breadwinner

2009-04-08T08:13:00.001-07:00

Every day that a breadwinner leaves their house, they also leave the belongings that matter most to them in the world - their children and their home - in the hands of their spouse. If you are a SAHP, take a few minutes here to savor the faith and trust that your beloved places in you every workday. It is a daily gesture of respect and honor to you.

Recently, a friend linked this post on how SAHMs are heroes. It is very true, yet for me as a woman, I've heard most of it all before. Except one part.

"I’m always hearing wives refer to their husbands as Heroes. Hero this and Hero that. In particular you hear it when they talk about their husbands going off to work to provide for the families."

This brought tears to my eyes, to realize that there are SAHPs who value their breadwinners so highly. To know that some SAHMs realize how hard it is to walk out that door every morning and put the family behind you as if they weren't the thing you love most in the world, for eight hours every single day - that is very precious, indeed. This may sound strange to you, but I have never heard this sentiment before - that a breadwinner is a hero. I have always heard about how wonderful SAHPs are, how much they do for so little recognition - and I have no doubt that, for most people, this is the society they live in.

But it's not the world I live in. And so, for me, it was a small tragedy when I read the next line, even understanding where it was coming from: "But it’s really bunk. Mothers are the real Heroes."

Of course, the author is, himself, a breadwinner. He probably feels confident that his work is important and necessary for his family. He blithely states later that men like going to work, and that is often true in a sense (for men and women) - yet I suspect that even parents who love their jobs would normally rather do them for, say, just ten hours a week. The other thirty hours or so, we'd rather be home with our families. Daily employment is a sacrifice, for any parent who has their priorities straight. Sardonic Catholic Dad, the author, does have his priorities straight BTW - he was just playing down his role, to lift up and glorify his wife. But his wife is also correct - he is a Hero, too.

Sardonic Catholic Dad is right to tell mothers and SAHPs "don’t feel to sorry for us or put us up on a pedestal". However, the truth is that being a parent requires hard work and sacrifice, regardless of what your role is in the family. Regardless of whether you stay home or work for pay, your spouse is a hero. Love him, honor him, and do something special for him (or her).

Happy Birthday, girls!

2009-04-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

Today is Iliana's and Lenora's 3rd birthday. Happy birthday, girls! Unfortunately, we didn't get them anything - no one has energy for it. They will get presents from other family, though. I'm trying to organize a party for Sunday evening, but it's hard to cram it into the chinks of my work schedule.

And tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. I would love to do something nice for DH, but I won't. I just don't have the energy. And I have no idea what he would want, either.

Emergency Fund!

2009-04-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

Dave Ramsey baby step number 1: Complete. $1K emergency fund, courtesy of Unemployment Insurance. Plus most of 1 month's expenses (just $300 short, but we have a check for the $$ in my work bag).

Now to paying off debt . . . heh. Heh. Riiiiight.

Meh, yeah, I know, it'll happen eventually. It's just a little absurd-seeming from this side of the mountain, but we'll be at the top and ready to coast onto building up our 3 to 6 month's expenses savings before we know it.

Now, I'll try to quit posting about our finances for a while. Those posts are boring to everyone but me. If we get a refinance or DH starts work, or something similar, I'll mention it. But we've hit at least temporary stability, and can relax for a bit.

Financial goodness - about time!

2009-03-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

So, unemployment has finally decided I was available for work while I was unemployed. Almost 3 months after I lost my job, and two weeks after I started my new job. The money should be in our bank account by Wednesday.

I also got my first paycheck. This is the really big news: I assumed 20% of our income would be paid to taxes, to be sure that I wouldn't underestimate when budgeting. I was waaayyyy over . . . by over $600 / month. We've gone from being $100 / month short of covering our current expenses to having over $500 a month to pay into debt. Wow. Good thing I took every exemption that we qualify for! We still have a long haul to pay off our debts, but now we can actually start estimating a realistic end date.

The only bad news is that two nights ago, I again went through the exercise of summing up our debt. We are going to need a roof replacement, which we've already arranged for. I think we got a fair deal arranged for that, and we have 0% / 0 payments for one year financing so we won't get hit with a bad APR (I really think we can pay it off in that time), but still - it's another huge addition to the pile of debt. We have a small mountain ahead of us, and we were debt-free just last July. Even with these bits of good news, it's clear that we probably won't get out of debt as fast as we went into it. Unless, of course, DH gets a job.

Oh, one more good piece of news! DH's studies for his Network+ certification seem to be moving along nicely. I'm really impressed. He's going to start self-testing to see if he's ready this week, and then will either schedule his exam or settle down for another four weeks of winter . . . I mean, studying.

Anyone tried MagicJack?

2009-03-24T07:18:00.001-07:00

I ran across a gadget that is supposed to allow you to have free phone service anywhere in the US for $40 for the first year, $20 for the second year. Yes, that's right. They bill by the year. It's called MagicJack.

It doesn't look like a scam at all. They were reviewed by PC Magazine, and orginally got an Editor's Choice. However, then PC magazine received complaints about MagicJack, looked into them, and updated their opinion. PC Magazine's end conclusion: "From a technology standpoint, the magicJack is a very interesting device. I like it very much and have no hesitation in recommending it—but only to tech-savvy users." Basically, the product can be difficult to set up if your system isn't perfect, can have problems at low bandwidths, and the tech support stinks.

We're thinking of getting the MagicJack to replace our AT&T VoIP. That's a cost of $10 in the first month over our current phone service, and savings of $30/month for the next year. We could then afford to keep the cell phone, using a pay-as-you-go plan, so that we have something when out of the house. But hearing from someone we know who has tried a MagicJack first would be nice. Is this really something we want for our primary phone?

Squeezin' the budget

2009-03-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

Here is where I post our financial details. In public. Because I have no shame, and very few people I know read this anyways :-) I wrote this post in parallel with the last, so you might want to read that one first.

Our expenses are:

food & groceries
phones
Internet
Water/sewer
Electricity
Gas (PSE)
Garbage
Mortgage
debt
car insurance
gas
car maintenance
health insurance
taxes
charity

Category-by-category, here is how we can trim:

Groceries: I'm in charge of shopping and pre-prepping dinners. Our current strategy is to only buy at Cash 'n' Carry, excepting milk (which we need to buy a little more often), hygiene, and pet care stuff (the last two aren't at Cash 'N' Carry). Since we're planning on retiring the car for a bit (see below), we'll shop there about once a month with a shopping buddy (probably my MIL, as this will be mutually beneficial) who can help us out with a car - in return for help scouring ads or a frozen meal. I'm pretty good at combining low-$$ with high-nutrition, and handy enough with spices and sauces that things still taste good - so we will be going pretty cheap. I can't say how much this will save us - I have $400 budgeted for groceries (including personal hygiene & pet stuff) at the moment and that's been pretty accurate in the past, but it will take time to figure out how much lower this gets us. Savings: Unknown, hopefully $100 / month. Schedule: Already started.

When we have a bit more time, we can night-potty-train the girls so we can quit buying diapers. They are pretty much ready, but we the parents need to be prepared to get them up in the middle of the night to go potty until the girls are prepared to handle that on their own. And handle the inevitable accidents that will happen until they can remember upon waking that they are no longer wearing diapers and need to go to the potty. Savings: $20 to $40 / month. Schedule: Need to discuss with DH; hopefully 1 month, April 17th
Phones: We have two phones right now - a VoIP land line, and a cell phone. The VoIP line is just over $30 a month. THANK HEAVENS we were smart, and did a Pay-As-You-Go cell phone plan! Saving money on our phone bills was as simple as stopping automatic payments for it - no contract!!! In fact, we like it so much that we may switch to two pay-as-you-go cells and no land line. First, we need to figure out how much a cheap cell phone for me will cost. Then, we need to estimate how many minutes per month we use our landline for to be reasonably sure we'll actually pay less (Pay-as-you-go doesn't have free minutes) and guesstimate how long it will take to recoup the costs of the new phone. Finally, we can then continue to reduce our phone costs by reducing our minutes - by using alternate communication methods, like a public blog for friends and family (my family doesn't know about this blog, or I wouldn't post so much personal info . . . funny, huh?). Savings: Guessing $10 to $20 / month, after recouping costs of new cheap cell. Schedule: Start the process in one week - March 30th. Be done with it in two more weeks - April 13th, in time to go car-free.
Internet: We may be able to switch to DSL with Verizon. We need to see if they have service in our area, and what the costs of quitting Comcast and starting with Verizon are. We might be able to negotiate on start-up fees or use a lower-cost option to negotiate with Comcast. Savings: $20 to $30 / month. Schedule: Start looking into this with the phones, and be done on the same timeline (March 30th to April 1st).
Water / sewer: Water-saving will take a lot of effort and habit-building for us, as we are not extravagent users. It would take a lot of discipline to save $10. This isn't something we worry about until later. I think sewer is a flat fee, so no thoughts there. When we do get to water, some things to look at: Rain barrels, for yard care water. Washing dishes by filling up the sick. We could probably cut down water in the girls' baths, but not for DH and me - we're already pretty low-water for self-cleaning.
Electricity has some of the same problems as water: It requires habit-building. This is slightly higher-priority than water, as there is more we could do with less effort: Turn off computers and monitors each night. Maybe do an inspection of our lightbulbs and see if we could switch to lower-energy bulbs. Get a night-light for the cats instead of leaving the garage light on all night (they weren't using the litter boxes when it was too dark in there, and the motion detectors don't pick them up).
Gas (for heating & cooking): We've done most of what we can easily do here. The house gets heated to 70 degrees at 6 AM for people to wake up. It gets heated to 65 degrees or so at 7 PM for baths and bedtime. The rest of the time, it's allowed to cool down to . . . I think 50 degrees. Maybe 55. We could adjust by 5 degrees here or there, and may be able to use space heating - but this is lower-priority, between electricity and water. We're not gong to try and reduce cooking gas.
Garbage: Someone mentioned being able to change size of containers and pickup frequency. Not sure if this is available to us. It's worth looking into once we've handled everything else not low-priority on this list as it is very simple. Savings: $5/month. Schedule: 5 weeks to start - April 27th. One more week to conclude - May 4th.
Mortgage: We might benefit from some of the new programs being rolled out. A superficial check with our mortgage holder said that we will probably be eligible for both of the programs they are offering (but might need to pick one). I'm not counting on this, but it's helpful to keep in mind. It might also allow us to sell our house (probably upside-down on the mortgage due to dropping real estate values and no-down-payment mortgage right now), although DH and I have only considered that option in passing. I think DH would rather keep this house, and not sure if he is willing to give it up so that we can live off of his income when he returns to work. Obviously, we're making this pretty high-priority right now! Savings: Up to $650 (current mortgage - 38% of our income) under one plan, and not sure about the other. Schedule: ASAP, as fast as Countrywide or Bank of America (whoever owns the mortgage right then) will allow.
Debt: Yeah, yeah, we know how to reduce this already. Dave Ramnsey, debt snowball, yadda yadda. Been there, done that, ready to do it again. We're starting with minimum payments on non-mortgage debt of around $200 ($40 for college, $160 for credit cards), and that will be going down to $0 as we pay off debt with all the money we're saving with all these changes we are making. Savings: Up to $200 in minimum fees, plus something like $150 / month in APR being added to our total. Schedule: ASAP, after 1 month's expenses and $1K savings in bank
Vehicle costs (insurance, driving gas, maintenance): If we go "car free" (quit paying insurance and quit driving, leaving the car in the driveway and using it as outside storage) we can get rid of insurance, gasoline, and maintenance. Yes, we know what we are looking at in terms of effort; we've done this before. We have a P&R about 1 mile from our house, so we can still take trips into the world for the cost of bus fare. I'll have to research commuter / reduced car use incentives that may apply - we might be eligible for free bus passes, etc. The biggest change will be giving up Rosary Group, but I even have a plan for handling that (I am crafty!). I will probably send out an email later this week. Savings: $100 to $300. Schedule: In 3 weeks - April 13th - to give time for my new commute to settle down.
Health insurance: We will be only insuring me with my employer; DH and the girls will instead join a larger-deductible individual plan that we found online. The girls may qualify for cheaper state insurance, but that will take a couple of months to get working - if so, we can change their and DH's insurance plans (without waiting for an enrollment period, or having coverage gaps!) and save about another $40 a month. Seriously, I had no idea individual insurance like this was out there. eHealthInsurance - if you want to check it out. Savings: $168 / month. Schedule: DH and the girls have already applied, and should be insured April 1st. I need to get my application in by tomorrow, and should be insured April 1st.
Taxes: Right now I'm having an extra $15 a week withheld to cover taxes from my unemployment. But we should probably drop that, and focus on our current expenses. We're likely to be getting a small refund anyways, so paying extra probably doesn't make sense. I think I've taken all the deductions I can on my W-4, so that will help. And yes, we've already received this year's income tax refund.Savings: Well, not technically savings, but $15 / month right now instead of either a refund or payment at next year's tax time. Schedule: Ugh, should give this time to avoid paperwork snafu's. Let's say, 7weeks: May 11th
Charity: This is new to our budget (because we are selfish, selfish people *shame*), but something we need to start planning for (and, to be honest, I promised God we'd do this once I got a job . . . before looking at our budget). Under these circumstances, understand that I am *not* mentioning this to brag, LOL. Rather, I'm putting it up here so that I will feel committed to it and will see it as part of our monthly "expenses". Since we are out of "treasure" right now, we will be donating time and talent - time will be proportional to my working hours. We are creating a schedule for this right now. I has me some fun ideas about how to "spend" this *grin*. Not sure if DH is willing to help with this beyond the support role, but he could also "spend" some of this time on a charitable cause he wishes to support. Savings: $0 (new to our budget). Schedule: Start immediately with planning, try to get in our "donation" of time for this week by EOD Saturday.

Anyways, these changes should help us move from a budget where expenses slightly exceed income to something that will allow us to pay off a couple hundred dollars of debt or more each month. If anyone sees something we missed that could save us money, please leave a comment!

As for clothing, gifts, etc. - not in the budget. Freecycle, trades, begging from friends, and other free methods only! Home repairs are a potential biggie not in the budget, and I know this. We'll be keeping one month's expenses plus $1K in our bank accounts once we build it up, but anything bigger will have to be handled with yet another loan. The best way to be secure against major repairs is probably to keep doing what we are doing, get rid of debt, and try to get 3 to 6 months' savings stored up. Health co-pays and other health costs fall into the same area. We might want to put bus passes or bus fare in the budget - need to examine this more, though, as we might just walk and bike everywhere if it's too expensive to bus. I'm not sure if we missed anything else that should be here. let me know if you see something!

One more section: Goals. These are all temporary, and will be modified as our situation changes (our long-term goals are still in flux, as DH may or may not become the sole income). But here is the current draft:

1) Save 1 month's expenses.
2) Save $1K emergency fund.
3) Pay off credit card No. 1.
4) Pay off credit card No. 2.
5) Pay off student loan.
6) Re-work budget - add in some expenses for the most difficult cuts (like maybe the car).
7) Save up month 2 & 3's expenses in savings.
8) Rework budget. Add in some expenses for the most difficult cuts (maybe increase groceries to include special treats).
9) Save up month 4 through 6's expenses in 3-month CD's.
10) Rework budget. Add in some expenses for the most difficult cuts.
11) Start retirement savings.
12) Start "life plans" savings for pre-retirement funds - children's college supplementary funds ('cuz I don't want to fully "pay their way") and "lose the day-job / start a home business" funds.

I like the idea of scheduling in the points where we can modify our budget - of course, major life changes would also get a modification. But this way it's like enrolling in health insurance: We've signed up, and we can only change things at the pre-determined times or something big changing our circumstances. Of course, DH still hasn't signed off on everything - so it's not 100% locked in yet.

Oopsie . . . haven't posted for a while.

2009-03-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

I still haven't posted that I'm working again, and I'm already on Day 4 on the job! Well, here's what I've been doing since I found out - on Monday, 3/9/09, so less than 2 weeks ago - that I had a job:

Bought $400 worth of groceries, and spent most of 2 days making 20 pizzas and about a dozen other frozen meals so DH doesn't have to "cook" and can focus on childcare and studying for his Network+ certification (he's also responsible for dishes & laundry since those really need daily maintenance, at least unless we get more organized). We think we'll just have to buy milk for about the next 6 weeks.
Had our car break down again - a coolent leak caused the serpentine to slip. Leak has been fixed, belt replaced. On credit. Le sigh.
Worked out a budget. We're scraping by right now on my new income (as in, whether or not we have savings will depend on how much I lose in taxes up front . . . expenses may exceed income! Eep!) and have over $7K in credit card debt. Yes, I'm posting our financial details online. That debt is mitigated by almost $5K expected in unemployment backpay (expected about March 30th), so not as dire as it sounds.
Working out how to trim the budget. This deserves its own post, and will get it. In fact, I've already written the post. And it's LONG.
Figuring out a "homeschooling" plan. We ended up buying a curriculum that comes with a schedule. Yes, I know. We can't afford it - but I don't think we can afford not to, either. DH was struggling to spend time with the kids (mostly due to lack of ideas and time organization) before. Now, he is also studying for a certification. Since the option is available, he needs and deserves to be handed a schedule, so that he can just do what he needs to do and can focus on his studies and caring for our children, instead of spending time and stress on "home management" stuff like planning the girl's day. And I just don't have time to plan for him right now. Much easier to "homeschool" that time.
Ignoring my homeschooling blog. That is going on total hiatus for about a month, then coming part-way up for two weeks before getting all the way up again. I still want to see if I can make any money with it (plus I love the community). If I can make *any* money with a homeschooling blog, that bodes well for more income-oriented blogs that would be more time-consuming and maybe require buying some materials or equipment.
Creating a schedule for (and with) DH both to try and find a workable structure for his day, and to determine if watching the kids, studying for his certification, and doing some housework was reasonable, timewise (it is - childcare and housework should leave 5 1/2 hours for study and time to himself). Along with this is dividing up household responsibilities, so we can both get into a schedule and hopefully get onto autopilot.
Mostly DH did this, actually, but we worked on getting the laundry closer to caught-up. We didn't succeed in totally catching up, but DH has *voluntarily* continued to organize, fold, and put away clothing since I've started work. Very inspiring, for me!

I think that covers it. Either way, back to work. Lunch breaks are not eternal.

Wow, what a great recruiting company!

2009-02-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

I just finished an interview with a great recruiter at Robert Half Technology, and WOW! I have never felt such an interest in my personal goals, qualifications, and talents while working with Volt. The Volt recruiter I am working with is definitely the best match I've had yet, but Robert Half is clearly taking a longer term approach to our relationship. And guess what? It works! I absolutely want to work with these people, especially my recruiter, and will prioritize their job requests over the ones I get from Volt.

And the specific position she has for me to interview for sounds like a great opportunity as well. Very excited am I!

Not that it takes much to get me excited. Even the automatically generated responses to online applications get my hopes up, LOL. And losing on an interview with Amazon made me cry for hours. Hey, I enjoy my emotional extremes! The occasional crying jag when things go wrong is totally worth it to feel elated over every small step in the right direction that came before - and all the ones that will come after. I guess I see life like I see marriage . . . when you commit to feeling joy over all the good things, you also accept that you might get hurt by the bad things as well.

I need to stop disappearing

2009-02-25T00:37:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update on our family.

The main reason that there haven't been many posts is that I've been sick ever since the last time I posted - first with a cold, and then with what seemed likely to have been bronchitis. Between getting healthy and looking for work, I've been out of energy long before I ever get to posting on this blog.

However, I have started on another blog, called "Homeschool Bright and Early". Very simply, it's about homeschooling toddlers and preschool-aged children. So far I'm just getting started, but I'm building up posts and ideas very quickly, and am very excited about it.

Part of the motivation is to share an important part of my life (the raising and education of my children), and the information I learn while trying to do that, with others. However, I have another, ulterior, motive: See if I have what it takes to build up a good blog and maybe even make a little money off of it. I hear rumors of a few bloggers making significant amounts of cash, and am wondering if I could do it. Yes, I recognize that this isn't the most lucrative subject matter - but it's economical with my time, since I would be doing the research I do for the blog anyways for our own family (but perhaps not in quite so much depth). Plus . . . it's something I care about.

Meanwhile, DH and I are looking for work, making several job contacts a day each. We're learning that, unlike previous job searches, the phone might be our best friend in this economy. I've had two recruiters express thankfulness that I called them to get their attention just today alone. We both hate talking on the phone, especially to strangers, so . . . yuck.

Today was the kickoff for 40 Days for Life. Last time I was pretty much invisible, praying and offering a very small fast and only giving an hour of my time in vigil outside of the local Planned Parenthood. This time, I plan to be much more involved. At least until I get a job.

Now that I'm starting to feel healthier, I'm also starting to remember how to get myself to accomplish more on, say, my job search: Hold myself to higher standards across the board and keep busy. If I don't take on enough activities, I will do worse at the few I do take on. I don't get it either, I seem to be weird this way, but pouring effort into one area of my life seems to have a synergistic effect on every other area I want to pour effort into. Of course, there is a saturation point, and if I cross that line things do go downhill a little - but I'm generally better off taking on too much rather than too little (when I am healthy - which I currently am).

So, I currently have a job search, 40 DfL, a homeschooling blog, mothering my children, and . . . Lent. I like to write down my Lenten commitments so I know what I'm holding myself to, so here they are:
1) A rosary a day for 54 days starting on Monday (two days ago) and ending on Divine Mercy Sunday (or maybe the day before .. . I forget) offered for the conversion of my beloved husband. Yes, he knows about this. It's become a tradition :-)
2) Participation in 40 DfL
3) Giving up leaven (yeast, baking powder, baking soda) and products made with leaven (leavened breads, etc.).

There is the possibility of a 4th commitment, but only if my friends decide to give it a try with me. Rikki-san, that's the idea you came up with during the homeschooling meeting BTW. If you and / or Annaberri are doing that, let me know so I can join in!

I still feel like this isn't really quite enough for me, so I'm also going to be starting a garden next week, helping DH build closet bunk beds for the girls probably the week after, and possibly rejoining the choir. And I'm also seeking out volunteer opportunities for my technical skills.

The biggest problem with my job search so far has been a lack of energy, I suspect. Hopefully getting more active will help a lot with that. Of course, finally getting over bronchitis should help as well.

You know how you can tell this was a quick post? It's very long and wordy. My short posts are the ones where I've heavily edited myself and polished my words. The long ones are the equivalent of frenetic scribbling, jotting, and brainstorming and take very little time to produce. If you visit my homeschooling blog, you'll notice the posts tend to be a lot shorter.

Job search SCRUM, day 2

2009-01-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

What I did:
- Perused thoroughly three job sites (NWJobs, Monster, WorkSource) and set up auto-searches to email me new results
- Found 7 jobs that I could apply to
- Found 5 jobs DH could apply to
- Started a list of job sites and contracting / consulting companies
- Invited contacts for LinkedIn, partially updated my profile, and wrote a recommendation
- Helped DH update his resume

What I'm doing today (depending on time):
- Install Open Office and re-do my resume's formatting
- Submit one polished application (cover letter, tailored resume)
- Submit two dirty applications (untailored resumes)
- Cancel appointments we have scheduled but no longer have insurance for
- Arrange two days of morning childcare next week
- Peruse emailed job results for new opportunities
- Go over one more job site thoroughly and set up a saved search for results
- Spend a little time on LinkedIn, see if I can write any more recommendations

Blockers: None

I've been fired

2009-01-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

Yep, fired. Tuesday morning. I haven't gotten around to blogging since then. I need to hurry with this post - lots of work to do.

Tuesday was spent mostly reacting. I was okay for about four hours, which I spent thinking out the first couple of steps and working out our new 'normal' schedule: DH takes the kids out in the morning, and I work until around lunch. The kids come back, we eat, they take their nap. DH and I both work on finding jobs. Then I take the kids out when they wake up and he keeps working until we get back, dinner, and kids to bed.

Then I started getting weepy, and decided I could get started on the work 'tomorrow'. The rest of the day was spent trying not to let things spill over to the kids too much (who were definitely reacting to the stress), watching movies as a family, and calling a couple relatives to tell them.

Our planned schedule didn't work on Wednesday; we'd brought one of the kids' carseats in after she'd vomited, and after we'd cleaned the cover a cat peed on it. Bjorn spent the rest of the morning putting the cover through the wash and getting a special spray to dry while keeping the girls out of my hair.

This blog is going to get really boring for a while. I'm going to use it to measure my progress and keep on track, using the SCRUM questions: What have I done? What am I going to do today? What is blocking me?

So, for the first SCRUM entry:

What have I done:
- I called around about getting health coverage; I need to wait until the last 30 days show our lost income, and then apply to Apple Health, a website that should be able to work out all of the things that we will qualify for on our 'new' income.
- I also applied for unemployment.
- I found a career fair in Seattle in late January, and it's on our calendar.
- I found a couple of potential child-care resources so that Bjorn and I can both be looking for work at the same time on some days; we will be scheduling child-care swaps with some, others are family and glad to help.

What I am going to do today:
- Compile a list of job sites to search so I can keep notes on how effective they are
- Compile a list of possible opportunities to apply for - at least 15 options
- Apply to one opportunity with a polished resume and cover letter
- Apply to at least three opportunities with a quick-and-dirty application
- Start a list of opportunities for Bjorn, since I will probably also find things that he could do.

Blockers:
Nothing, really, except maybe lack of time if the kids come back too soon or don't nap well

I think Friday will be my "Fun work" day, when I focus on networking, reorganizing, brainstorming, maybe getting books from the library, and quick chores like cancelling appointments.

If anyone wants to help:
- If you know us - swap child-care with us. Best times for us to receive child-care are mornings. We will need to drop our kids at your house so we can work effectively. Best times for us to offer child-care is in the evenings. If you've been looking for a date night without babysitter costs, here is your chance. We can either have one of us come over to your house to babysit, or you can drop the kids off here.
- Pray for us. DH and I are both looking for work, so keep us both in your prayers.
- I'll get my resume up on the blog - probably tomorrow - and ask DH to let me post his as well. Let us know if you hear about anything that we might be able to do. I can do entry-level programming or software testing with about three years of experience; DH is looking for phone tech support positions primarily.
- Introduce us to people who work in our areas, if you know anyone, so that we can expand our networks.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful beginning for our Christmas season. We went to the 8:30 PM Christmas Vigil at Immaculate Conception. We were planning on going to the 7:00 PM mass at St. Mary Magdalene, but then weren't sure if it started at 6:30 or 7:00 and their website didn't have the information posted. Since Immaculate Conception did post their schedule, we went there.

The girls behaved amazingly well for 8:30 PM. Lenora did talk an awful lot and she has a very rich voice for a toddler, which carries nicely - except during Mass, when a more easily lost voice would be nicer. There were some amusing conversations with DH whispering "Hush, it's time to listen," and her saying, "No! Stop talking. You need to be quiet," in a voice just a little quieter than her normal speaking voice. Otherwise, I found myself able to participate in the Mass more than usual. I don't know if I'm finally adjusting to Mass with two toddlers or if two toddlers are finally adjusting to Mass with me, but lately I've actually found myself hearing most of the reading and a good portion of the homily.

On Christmas Eve, the girls went to bed around 11:00 PM - very late! Then DH and I stayed up until 3:00 AM putting together their new kitchenette, adding the red decorations to the Chrismas tree, baking cinnamon-creamcheese swirl bread (that I, sadly, undercooked but was still yummy) and stuffing stockings. Note to self: Stop procrastinating on quitting your procrastination habit.

The girls slept in until 9:15 the next morning, which we were duly (and dully) grateful for. For breakfast, they had a slice of cinnamon swirl bread plus the contents of their stockings - an orange, and lots of candy (plus some stuffed toys). We had covered their kitchenette with a blanket, so it went undiscovered - until just as the Becas (made-up word for one set of grandparents) walked in, where they found an excited Iliana who had just pulled the blanket off of her toy kitchen. They couldn't figure out why she was so excited, since they didn't realize that she had just discovered it! The girls loved their new toy, played with it for about 30 minutes straight, and wandered back to play some more throughout the day.

We talked with the Becas, the girls opened a few more presents, we ate lunch and pie. We discussed how happy we were that, if nothing else, the recession has diminished the pressure to buy gifts this year. We are all introverts (except probably Iliana), and gift-giving and receiving is often more stressful than enjoyable for us. There are so many customs and expectations piled on Christmas gifts; while it's sad that people are tight on money, I'm glad to see the outrageous pressure being reduced a little and the focus returning to the spirit of the season and love of Christ.

This Christmas season was very educational for us. We didn't quite have the Christmas we hoped for, but I'm not sure it was achievable this year anyways. We could have had the decorations, everything done "proper", and two stressed-out parents, or we could have had the laid-back celebration that we did have. I think we chose the better part of the holiday, mostly, but now I have a much clearer picture of what I want this holiday to be for our family.

The question now, for me, is how to celebrate Lent and Easter richly. I don't want it to feel half-hearted at all. But that is a rambling musing that belongs to a different post.

Labor-saving snow!

2008-12-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

There's a tree in our yard that I had been mildly thinking about removing, since it blocks sun in what could otherwise be a nice place to expand my garden. However, removing a tree is a lot of work, so I didn't worry about it too much.

The tree has been taken out by the snow. It's a fairly small tree, only about six feet tall or so, and well away from the house. The only thing it hit was another tree, which it is currently propped against. It's the Leaning Tree of Pisa!

And our cat is eating our kindling. We finally got around to trying out our fireplace, and we're loving it.

It's snowing again, too.

I love having this house when it snows. It's so warm (especially since we realized the flue in the ireplace was open since we moved in), and looks gorgeous in this weather.

We need to revise our Christmas plans now. We were going to head up to San Juan Island and visit DH's parents (his dad and dad's wife), but there's a bit too much snow for that. Now we're trying to see if the girl's grandparents (DH's mom and her SO) will come to visit in the morning, to watch the girls open presents. Well, there may not be much "opening" - I'm not sure that I can find the wrapping paper, and a couple of the gifts are too big to wrap. Since I only got them "several" gifts total, that doesn't leave a whole lot else! I think the girls will enjoy large, shared gifts best this year. They'll get more individual gifts as they grow up and their interests diverge. I think we avoided overdoing it this year, which is great.

My poor rose . . . there was one last rose left on my bushes, and it's now been quite thoroughly frozen. I suspect a number of my plants will be gone once this thaws. And we'd better find a chainsaw so we can turn that fallen tree into firewood.

Snow day at work!

2008-12-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

This is truly lovely.

Six inches of white, fluffy snow with more still falling. I'm at work right now and relaxing with a cup of coffee while my computer runs automation, after a surprisingly fast commute - given that there is much snow and ice on the roads.

Fortunately, there aren't many people stupid enough to drive on the roads today unless they have to. Those of us who are so stupid had to be careful of snow and ice, but if you are careful to drive in the emptier parts of the road then at least you don't really need to worry so much about other people (incidentally, my carpool driver referred to us both as "idiots" first, so he won't feel maligned by this statement). On 520, this lack of dense traffic was important - the snow was obscuring the lanes entirely. On one part of the road, two "lanes" had formed where there were normally three, and later there was just snow all over, and people just gave each other lots of room and didn't even try to stay in a "lane".

We saw an articulated bus whose rear had swung out and narrowly missed a guardrail, as well as a truck that spun out in the middle of the freeway and was perpendicular to the flow of traffic. However, because there were so few cars there, he didn't hit anyone and just slowed traffic down a bit. We saw several spinouts on the sides of the road - I was surprised that msot of the cars having trouble were the big ones, not little ones. We picked up some people who were walking down a freeway exit; we couldn't tell what had happened, since they had poor English, but I'm guessing that their carpool broke down or slid out.

I think I'm the only one here for my entire floor - possibly my entire building. The quiet is unnerving. The cafeteria is closed, but the coffee machines in the kitchenette work fine, as do the vending machines. I should be able to get a lot of work done today.

Ideas for quick, frugal, filling meals

2008-12-17T11:11:00.001-08:00

I occasionally write up my ideas for cooking on a budget - both of time and of money. As a geek, I love lifehacks (tricks that make life just a little bit easier), and as a working mom short on time who used to be a SAHM short on money, I have experience with both frugality and saving time. So I have a nice little bag of tricks by now.

Rather than continue to re-write this, I thought I'd throw a list of thoughts for recipe ideas and cooking lifehacks onto my blog. These are quick notes - leave a comment if you want a specific recipe in detail, and ask for as many as you are interested in. I will post them in the comments as they are requested. I may take as much as a week to get back, if I've lost the recipe and need to recreate it and test it on my own family first. I only get time to cook on the weekends.

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I like marinades, personally. Cut meat into small pieces, and soak over night. Or make lots of marinade at once and then freeze several batches of meat, to save time. The marinade soaks in as the meat freezes and thaws.

Then you have many choices:
- Saute; Put the meat on pasta and use the marinade in the pan as sauce.
- Saute; Add pasta sauce - white sauce or tomato - for a more standard pasta.
- Saute; Put the meat on rice and pour the marinade in while the rice cooks to add flavor, or use marinade as a sauce.
- Pour your marinade mix, raw, into a crockpot with vegetables, beans, barley, etc. and some extra water or broth to make a stew. If you leave extra cooking time, the meat can even be frozen. Serve with bread.
- Saute, ideally in a wok; add veggies to make a stir-fry. Serve with rice.
- Cool sauteed meat in the fridge and throw it into a green salad with nuts and red onions, plus any other salad stuff that sounds good (cheese, peppers, fruit). The extra marinade makes a wonderful salad dressing.

Since lots of small pieces of meat add a lot of flavor to a dish, marinades of small pieces of meat work great for frugality (meat is the most expensive part of our grocery bill).

Marinade ideas:
- Olive oil, oregano, basil, garlic, balsamic vinegar, diced onions, and maybe a little red wine (alchohol will cook out) works on almost any meat (but mediocre for tofu, and use white wine w/ fish).
- Hoisin sauce, green onions, oyster sauce, soy sauce, vegetable oil, and sherry or white wine vinegar works great for a stir-fry or asian food - this works for chicken. beef, and tofu - but I am not sure about pork (might be too salty) or fish (*should* work).
- Olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, tarragon, white wine vinegar, and pepper works great on chicken and probably would be good on fish.

To make your own marinade recipe, use an oil, include a vinegar, citrus juice, and/or alcohol to help dissolve flavors that won't dissolve in oil, and add spices and veggies or fruits with strong flavors like onions, peppers, and citrus. I did a strawberry-balsamic vinegar marinade once (when strawberries were on sale, of course!) that worked well with beef :-)

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You can buy bulk freeze-dried veggies online at http://www.honeyvillegrain.com , and I've found these useful for prepping gift meals or cooking ahead. Give meat in a freezer bag and a mix of dried veggies, spices, beans, or stew-grains like barley and cracked wheat in a ziploc bag with instructions on how much water to add. That way, the meal doesn't take up as much freezer space but still lasts until they need it.

Lentil soups, for crockpots. Barley-lentil is filling, has complete protein (grain + legume), and you can make a soup with only dried ingredients. Add beef, ham, and/or mushrooms for more flavor; shitake mushrooms can be bought dried, although you may need to price-hunt to get a decent price - I see them for 5 times as much in some stores as in others.

Bean chili - mix spices and beans ahead of time and store on a shelf. Add additional veggies or meats day-of if desired. Try using cinnamon, sliced almonds, and mixing in lots of black beans and some raisins for a different type of chili (ask if you want a recipe). Skip the tomato and use lots of white beans, peppers, onions, and chicken broth with your chili spices for a white chili.

Potato soup, with green peppers and left-over ham or bacon.

Fried rice - left-over rice fried with veggies, ham or pork (other meats can work too, just add more salt or soy sauce), and eggs cooked in veggie or canola oil (garlic and onion recommended). Add a little soy or other Asian sauce for flavor, or sesame oil, depending on preference.

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Casserole ideas:
Farmer's Breakfast: Use tater-tots, hash browns, or diced fried potatoes as a base. Layer bacon or ham on top. Pour uncooked scrambled eggs (mixed w/ milk, pepper, salt, etc) on top. Bake in oven.

Meatloaf - stretch the meat by adding more eggs and grains (we use oatmeal and the heels of bread that no-one wants). For variety, try adding spices to give it a different "feel" - we do fajita seasoning for Mexican, and oregano, basil, tomato, garlic for Italian.

Bread pudding, for breakfasts. Or cobblers, if there is a good fruit on sale. Mix quick-cook oatmeal, dried fruit, spices, and dried milk for fruit-and-cream oatmeal mix.

Crust-free quiche. You can mix up the dried ingredients ahead of time and just throw eggs, leftover meats and veggies, and maybe some cheese in, and then cook. I think Rikki-san is the one I learned this from.

Stuffed green peppers can be frozen ahead of time and microwaved before serving.

Shepherd's Pie is ground beef & veggies with mashed potatoes on top and freezes wonderfully. Thanks to Annaberri for letting me on to this secret.

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Other thoughts that have helped us save money:

- If you have friends in the restaurant business, try asking them where they buy their food - our local restaurants use "Cash and Carry", and that's where we now buy our bulk goods (wish I had a good alias for this person so I could thank her without giving out her name!).
- Use eggs, tofu, and milk or cheese to make meals more filling without expensive meat.
- Check out http://www.allrecipes.com and try an ingredient search whenever you have something you want to use up, but don't know what to do with it. Epicurious.com has similar functionality, but tends to use more expensive gourmet ingredients.

More on debt and investing

2008-12-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

We are going to be able to pay off our debt more quickly than I thought. Which is good, since we probably won't get much of a tax return. Even without making the slightest attempt to curb our spending, we are chipping away at the debt. In the spendiest part of the year. While stocking up on meat and freeze-dried goods on top of the holiday spending.

As for our tax return being small, I took the maximum amount of exemptions that we qualified for, and have paid very little in income tax. With buying the house, we may get something back. I'm just not sure.

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Someone wisely commented on how I really should have more $$ in savings on my last post - about 10 times more - and wondering how I could feel more secure with investments than savings. Well, it's not entirely rational, but there is a psychological reason I prefer stocks: I am less likely to touch them than savings.

Let's face it, the biggest risk to my savings isn't the economy or Microsoft's stock price. The greatest risk is my own bad spending habits. I am unlikely to lose even half of my savings from market volatility. If I did, though, I'd still have 50% of the money I set aside in the market. On the other hand, there are much higher odds of me spending 100% of my savings for a non-emergency if it's just in the bank. Then I am left with no savings at all, nothing but some stuff - or, more likely, memories of eating out unnecessarily and some extra pounds around my middle.

I get emotionally involved with saving through investments in a way I just don't about savings in the bank - something about the gambling nature of it all, the possible big win someday. Paying off credit card debt has a similar emotional force for me. In the end, that emotional force matters more than a set 3% rate of return in an online bank or the potential 20% loss due to market volatility and needing to withdraw at a market low. I just can't trust myself to keep $$ in the bank for very long, once I get past about one month's buffer. But I'm darned if I'm going to sell stock at a loss for anything less than an emergency, or keep paying those credit card APRs forever! For that, I will be the most frugal gal in town!

Plus I get a 10% discount on MS stock through the employee purchase plan that can help offset volatility. So that also helps me feel more secure about buying MS stock. Yes, I know I should diversify, but I really can't try to do this perfectly right now until our household gets more organized and I have more time. And that 10% buffer is too enticing. Then, too, the odds of MS tanking and wiping out all of my investments are really low - although anything is possible. So I'm putting all of my money there, until things calm down and I have a chance to think and say, "What do I really want to do with this money I'm saving each month long-term, now that I'm used to setting it aside?"

My poor, sweet 401(k)

2008-12-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

So I, uh, looked at my 401(k) just now. I basically contributed for the employer match until right before the market started tanking last spring, and then had to take a break so I could manage our other finances. Um, yeah, about that employer match?

Gone. Entirely. With a little extra to boot. Even *with* the employer match, I've lost about $30 (-34.9% YTD change).

BUT! I'm going to be able to start investing in my 401(k) again very soon. So hopefully I'm getting some great bargains now, and will make back the money I lost and then some. Plus I'll be putting some money into my employer's stock purchase plan. The stock is selling for about half what it was earlier this year . . . yay! Of course, this means I won't be paying off my credit cards as fast (we went back into debt recently, in addition to the mortgage of course), but my gut says that we'll do OK on that anyways, and we're better off building up our savings right now. I find that it's easier for me to save by investing than by putting $$ in the bank, so that's what I'm focusing on. Having a large savings account somehow just doesn't make me feel very secure - but having $$ in investments does.

The cultural weirdness of being a breadwinning mom

2008-12-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've started realizing that the label "WOHM" does not work well to describe what I do. Recently, I've run across the phrase "breadwinning mom" - and it's the phrase I was looking for in this post on searching for labels that fit me well.

So, why is it weird to be a "breadwinning mom"? Well, first of all, there's my friends. My husband and I have relatively traditional family values, and believe that having a parent care for the children is important and that family comes first. Because of this, the families we get along with are traditional families - including lots of SAHMs. In other words, my closest female friends have a schedule that is very different from mine. During the times that the working spouse traditionally gets the kids out of the SAHP's hair, I am caring for the kids and they may be getting a much needed break from their children. Is this impossible to work around? Well, no! Of course not. But still, it's just one more thing that takes a little more work.

Then there is that reoccuring theme of "expectations". Our society has some really weird expectations of breadwinning moms, a strange mesh of working-mom and breadwinner responsibilities that has a lot of wrinkles to iron out still. A lot of this is based in our strange expectations of SAHD's, which is a blend of working-dad expectations and SAHP expectations. Basically, what I see is that breadwinning dads expect a SAHD to do everything a SAHM does (and call him 'lazy' if he does anything less, although he may do it in a "manly" fashion, or with less precision and tidyness) - but women (two-income, breadwinner, or SAHM) are more likely to expect a SAHD to care for the children and do a little housework. In other words, they expect him to treat child care as a day job, and not try to integrate in the many other responsibilities of a homemaker. The problem is that this means that the breadwinning mom carries the responsibility for managing the home, according to these expectations. It's taken me some time, but I'm starting to realize that men - naturally - have a better grasp of the breadwinning role and how to make it work. I need to look to their lifestyle first, and then modify it to fit me as a woman and mother. Unfortunately, there really aren't mixed gender support groups for breadwinners the way there are for stay-at-home parents; support groups are more a "female" thing.

Finally, there is the new appreciation I have for the life of a breadwinning dad, for the role that men have filled for generations. There has been a renaissance of appreciation for the SAHM in recent years - a long-overdue celebration of a role that has lately been viewed as mindless, unchallenging, and unimportant. However, there are challenges for breadwinner dads that I think many moms don't understand. I'm going to put a line divider here, because the rest of this post is about breadwinners, in general.

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CHALLENGES OF BEING A BREADWINNER

Firstly, a breadwinning parent is placing his or her home and children largely into someone else's care. It helps that this person is a loving spouse and a partner in life's journey, but there is still that lack of control over so many small aspects of life that is very stressful: Everything from your daily nutrition to the values demonstrated to your children is put into another person's care. Having a spouse who doesn't value something you do - from having clean clothes for work, to healthy meals, or to letting you know about the family's day - is much more difficult when that person is in charge of caring for your clothing, shopping for and cooking your meals, and providing for your children's healthy growth and development. I'm beginning to understand why traditionally men need to be the head of the household: Otherwise, it is easy to have your needs neglected or feel like you don't matter as much because you aren't home as much. This plays out differently when the gender roles are reversed - women stay more involved in family life and parenting as breadwinners, including even having the children turn to them first when they want comfort, even though children are around Dad more. However, it's still a factor for women, I think.

Then there is the stress of having THE job for the family. Even a small reprimand from my boss gives me the jitters now (especially since I was so close to being fired so recently). Even when my husband didn't earn enough to cover our expenses if I was fired, I knew we could stretch our savings or use the credit card to cover the gaps until we fixed the hole in our income. This is true no more, and it changes my responses to household issues. When my clothes are not washed frequently enough, my first thought is "How am I going to keep this from impacting my job? No one wants an employee in stinky clothes". I worry more about my health, and want to excercise and good nutrition so that I can do my best at work. I care more about getting sleep, and am less patient with dealing with the kids in the middle of the night or bedtimes that run late and cut into my sleep. Because I am more stressed about my job, I am also more stressed about those aspects of homemaking that impact my ability to hold my job.

And finally, there is the challenge of context-switching, from the busy office where I *need* to know what's going on and be "in tune", to the home environment where I really am out of touch with the details and my frustrated spouse is having trouble understanding why I don't know where the pepper is (made more confusing by the fact that I once knew where everything was). I understand, now, why breadwinning men are so "useless" around the home: It's not incompetance, it's simply that locating daily objects requires tons of tiny little facts and bits of knowledge that someone who is outside the home ten hours most days and who doesn't manage the home just doesn't pick up.

Some of these breadwinning-men difficulties are more difficult to deal with as a mother, since there is an absurd expectation that I will, through my womanly magic, not have these same problems and continue to be a homemaking maven, the working Super-Mom extrodinaire! At the same time, I have a key advantage over most men: I've been on both sides (all three, if you include two-income homes seperately), so I can see how these attitudes develop. I could head off my husband's frustration by showing how our different sippy-cup locating skills were caused by his skill, not by my incompetance. I'm understanding now how women are actually more likely to sell traditional female work short than men, resulting in the strange expectation that anyone should be able to jump into homemaking work at the drop of a hat and do it as well as an experienced full-time homemaker. I'm understanding that homemaking work isn't as easy as homemakers think, but it is, in fact, years of practice and thoughtfulness that give them their unrecognized expertise.

So curious, that appreciation for breadwinning starts with appreciation for homemaking - but it does. Once you grok fully that "Homemaking is hard, important, and has a huge impact on the family" you suddenly understand why breadwinners can feel unwanted and out of place at home if they don't get some say over the family - why, basically, giving men respect is so important in traditional families. In reverse-traditional families, this seems to play out more as having strong communication between the man and the woman, so the woman doesn't feel out of touch and gets listened to. You get why breadwinners may complain about homemakers who don't take charge of the household fully - we complain because it MATTERS, and impacts us and our ability to care for the family as breadwinners (understanding how complaining shows respect for the work a person should do and communicates valueing that work - when phrased appropriately - was important, in our family). You can especially understand why us breadwinners seem to be less "with it" at home than second-income parents (most working moms) or SAHPs - that it's not incompetance, but rather unfamiliarity with a job that relies heavily on prior experience homemaking in that specific family and house to truly excel.

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I know I keep covering similar ground to this post in my blog, but I'm trying to refine what it is about a reverse-traditional family that is so difficult for so many people trying this family style - and why we have so much trouble discussing these problems openly. SAHDs who don't do their housework duties (and, if you look deeper, home management in general) without a huge push is a reoccurring theme among many families I've talked with (interestingly, mainly in relatively new SAHD families), but a woman who says HER family is experiencing this gets a significant backlash in many circles where she should be able to get support. For a breadwinning mom to say she needs support, even, is to invite criticism. Needing support implies that she is doing something challenging and worthwhile, and somehow that seems to take away from the challenges her husband is facing as a male homemaker and from the worthiness of his work. I believe the truth, of course, is that open support for breadwinning mom challenges would add to the support available for men - but that's another post, and this post is already long enough to be three posts.

Car is working

2008-11-26T07:39:00.000-08:00

Just an update, since I mentioned our car being out of whack.

It looks like the battery was probably low, but not dead. I turned the car on part-way once, but it didn't quite turn over; the theory is, that drained the battery enough that it wouldn't restart right away. It started fine on Monday, however. We still need to minimize driving until we get it looked at, but odds are pretty good that we just need a fresh battery.

Crazy-ish week update

2008-11-24T09:23:00.001-08:00

Just a quick "What's up" post. We had a couple of mild-craziness events last week that deserve a mention, although they seem to be not really such big deals as they could have been.

We had a trip to the ER for pain and a fever for me on Monday evening. No one figured out what the pain was from, and the fever seemed to be unrelated. I missed two days of work while recovering from the fever, but otherwise there really isn't much here other than that "it happened" and it shook me up a bit. Oh, yeah, and reminded me how much I love having health insurance. DH was a superstar during this, and didn't even get upset about being stuck at the hospital with two toddlers until almost 10:00 PM while they checked me out (about 4.5 hours).

The other mildly crazy thing is that our only car has broken down as of last Friday. We'll be getting it towed today, probably during my lunch break. If repairs are expensive, we might end up just getting another junker; we can't afford another car right now, and probably couldn't get credit to buy another car with a payment. Either way, we might now be able to drive for an unknown period of time.

The good news is that our family is dealing with the hecticness from this very well, which is pretty amazing considering how rocky things have been lately.

Well, some dreams came true

2008-11-14T23:30:00.000-08:00

Not all the laundry is clean, but a lot more of it is clean now than was clean at the start of the evening. The counters were barely touched. However, I also managed to do a couple of small "low-hanging fruit" things - easy tasks that will really make a difference (albeit a small difference).

I also managed to give myself a papercut.

My plan for the rest of the night is not to go to sleep at a reasonable hour like a responsible, mature adult; but rather, to stay up late eating, playing computer games, and folding loads of laundry as the dryer finishes up until DH comes home from his party.

What astounds me is that Lenora has not woken up once yet tonight. Maybe she got it all out of her system last night.

Or maybe she's saving it all up until the early morning, when I've finally gone to sleep.

Le sigh.

One of those milestones

2008-11-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

Well! Another day, another new skill for the girls. This one, however, is not a new word in the vocabulary or a new trick on the playground toys. No, this is one of those milestones parents dread.

Lenora has learned to turn doorknobs. That's right: She now possesses the ability to let herself out of her bedroom. We can only hope she will use this power for good. Snd be too tired to get out of her room at night, given the recent middle-of-the-night "Mommy" screamfests - have I mentioned here yet how, two nights before Halloween, she spent three and a half hours straight (no exaggeration) screaming for her mommy? And even DH going in five or so times to calm her down and get her to sleep again didn't help a bit? Oh yes . . . here in the Ellison household, we live in interesting times.

Tonight, however, is a welcome break from the norm. The girls went to bed without any trouble, probably because DH and I have gotten back "in tune" with each other over the last few days. And I am rather gleeful to have DH out of the house, visiting his friends for a birthday party. I mean, come on, it's probably been years since the last time we had an evening apart from each other. I certainly don't want this to happen all of the time, but there are also tons of things I've been wanting to do that have been getting put off so that we could spend quality time together. Also, the cause is noble: One of his good friends that he's known for years but hasn't seen much lately is celebrating a birthday, and I would love to see DH maintain his relationships with that circle of friends.

Of course, there is the potential for chaos to ensue while he is out; Iliana is sick (Lenora was sick last Wednesday, rather spectacularly, while we had friends over, and these girls are great about sharing), so there is the off-chance of a huge mess being made in the middle of the night. But, hey! I managed nights alone back when DH worked late, when both girls were infants and were spitting up or vomitting on a nightly basis. At worse, it'll be just like the good ol' days.

So unless that happens, I am going to indulge in a treat I rarely have the time or energy to enjoy anymore: Housework!

(Oh, how my views have changed since becoming a WOHM! But now I dream of clean laundry and counters . . . and tonight, dreams will come true!)

We need a right to not murder

2008-11-11T11:26:00.001-08:00

I think we need a new right in this country: The right for no person to engage in an act that they reasonably perceive as directly contributing to the death of an innocent human being. Therefore, no doctor could ever be legally required to enact an abortion or prescribe euthenasia medication. No pharmicist could ever be legally required to fill a prescription for abortive medication or legal suicide medication. An argument could be made about whether paying taxes for these purposes is "directly contributing" to these acts, and that would need to be resolved. Birth control (the Pill, specifically) would also be an edge case; I believe medical science defines the start of life as implantation, not conception, but I believe that the numbers of people who believe life begins at conception is enough to clearly demonstrate that concerns about the Pill being an abortifacient fit the "reasonable concern" clause.

This could prevent hundreds of potential horrific human rights abuses involving the deaths of innocent people. Many of the worst-case abuses that pro-life people fear could be mitigated with this clause, as those who don't want to participate in these horrors will have legal grounds to oppose them, at least through non-participation. And don't humans at least have the right to avoid directly participating in the murders of innocent humans?

A quick thought on the FOCA

2008-11-06T15:12:00.000-08:00

This post is, by no means, intended to share much of my opinion on abortion. I hope that those who know me IRL have no question as to what my beliefs are: Abortion is killing innocent humans; the only reason I distinguish between it and murder is that I think most women who choose abortion have been misled to believe that the lives they end are not yet human; I believe murder requires intent to unjustly kill.

But I didn't intend to write about my understanding of abortion in this post. I just wanted to point out a couple of lines from the FOCA:
The Freedom of Choice Act

(3) VIABILITY- The term `viability' means that stage of pregnancy when, in the best medical judgment of the attending physician based on the particular medical facts of the case before the physician, there is a reasonable likelihood of the sustained survival of the fetus outside of the woman.

...
(b) Prohibition of Interference- A government may not--
(1) deny or interfere with a woman's right to choose--
. . .
(B) to terminate a pregnancy prior to viability; or
(C) to terminate a pregnancy after viability where termination is necessary to protect the life or health of the woman; . . .

Although I still don't like the FOCA, I am glad to see that it does not confirm a woman's right to a late-term abortion (barring the gigantic loophole of part (c)).

Comments on actions we can take to prevent the FOCA would be appreciated. I was shocked that I-1000 passed. I suspect that it is too late, that the FOCA will pass anyways, but will pray for it to somehow fail. I think people fail to realize that the FOCA (and all laws allowing abortion) are essentially declaring that an entire group of humans beings will be denied their most basic right, their right to life. We simply have not done due diligence here; we have not justified this step down the slippery slope.

However, I think that even if the FOCA does pass, abortions will still drop. I think that 40 DFL and other movements are changing our culture, and that will be far more effective than legal changes in the medium term. Take my words with a grain of salt; I am an optimist, and see hope everywhere. But the FOCA cannot halt the very real change in people's hearts (nor can it halt the information from scientist's research) that is seeing evidence of human life and being starting at conception.

"Please don't lick the sidewalk"

2008-11-04T16:14:00.000-08:00

I was praying outside an abortion facility the other day with a friend, and Iliana tagged along (which deserves a post of its own). My little girl was (of course) a little bored, just hanging out while the big folks prayed (and chatted a bit, too). The title of this post is one of the amusing things that came out of my mouth. Other gems included:

"Don't drink water off of the street! Ewww!"

"Please don't lick the pole."

"Please don't walk on the umbrella. It's not ours."

Overall, she was actually very well behaved (I don't say 'please' when I get frustrated). Still, when she gets bored she backslides into the "oral" phase again, and everything goes into the mouth. Especially puddles. What is with this fascination with drinking from strange things, like gutters and bathtubs?

Lenora, on the other hand, was left at home for the day. *She* has been deciding not to sleep lately.

Last Thursday, Lenora was awake from 3:30 AM until 7:00 AM yelling for Mommy. Daddy went in multiple times to help her to bed, and each time she cheered up and happily went to bed and got kisses. Within five seconds of him leaving each time, she was back at the door yelling and fussing for me. I'm lying in bed, knowing I'll be exhausted at work the next day and thinking, "If she is this stubborn at 2 1/2, she'll have no problems resisting peer pressure when she's a teen."

Well, fortunately DH (Dear Husband) and I both have strong stubborn streaks as well, and we had no problem outlasting her . . . kind of. If you look at things right. Well, no, actually, we caved in. *Ahem*. See, since Lenora is allowed to get up at 7:00 AM, I went in then and talked her back into bed. Once she got what she wanted, she went back to sleep. Naturally, Iliana slept through the whole thing. It's probably the soundest sleeping I've ever seen her do. Hrmm . . . that makes me think - maybe Iliana would sleep better ALL the time if we played a recording of a screaming child at night?

I probably shouldn't try it. If we do that too much, the neighbors might call the cops.

Thursday night went fine (thank you, O Lord, for a good night's sleep to rest between our parently trials) and Lenora woke up much less sleepy on Friday, in time for Halloween. We went trick-or-treating at Microsoft and in our neighborhood, with the girls dressed as fairies and joined by a friend and her four children.

By the end of the night's excitement, the girls were covered in stickiness; I wanted to wash my hands every time I came in contact with them. Iliana, in particular, was sticky. This may have had something to do with her sucking on two lollipops at once, and then rubbing them all over her face just for the fun of the gloriously sticky messiness of it all.

My husband, in his great wisdom, ordered the girls to the bathtub shortly before we got home.

That night, Lenora screamed until after midnight. And again, I caved before she did. I really hope she doesn't ever give us the silent treatment when she gets older. If she does, it could be years before we hear her voice again. I can see the diagnosis now: "PVM, Parental Vicinity Muteness, caused by acute stubborness."

She did nap while Iliana and I were out, and now seems to be returning to a less stubborn pattern of sleep. That is to say, she has been keeping the screaming down to less than an hour before naps and bedtime and we have high hopes of her returning to her previously normal pattern of going to sleep happily after a small bribe of kisses and hugs. Please, don't anyone tell her we enjoy the kisses more than she does! She still seems to think she's coming out ahead with this deal.

This is a good approach to the environment issues

2008-10-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

I love No Impact Man. He's a REAL open-minded liberal. As in, he works to engage people from all parts of the spectrum to support his cause.

More importantly, he thinks in a manner that feels, to me, very Catholic (although I doubt he is even a Christian). He believes strongly in stewardship of environmental resources, in loving our neighbors as ourselves, in forgiveness, and in striving for a greater good. And he believes in working together to achieve this with those who may believe differently in other areas, for the greater good.

He writes this excellent post on what he calls "environmental effectiveness". Basically, this is the idea that we want to get the most good for the least resources. Well-used resources which make people happy and fill their lives with opportunity are "environmentally effective". The beauty of this concept is that it captures many of the issues with environmentalism in a way that "sustainability" does not. It emphasizes the importance of human quality of life in a way that the environmental movement tends to gloss over. How many times have we heard the banal, despairing statement that the Earth would be better off without humanity? And how many times have we felt horror that someone should have such disregard for the virtues of their own species, horror that someone should be so willing to disregard OUR personal value, in favor of animals and pristine vistas? More specifically, in favor of animals unloved by humans and vistas unseen by humans? Humanity does believe, in general, that we are better and different than animals. Environmentalism needs to (and ought to) work with that belief.

Here is the link: http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/008905.html

Building a foundation

2008-10-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been passing up a number of opportunities to help out others around me. I've intentionally been limiting how much effort I will put into anything above and beyond my most basic roles: Mother, wife, employee. The result is a very insular way of living that isn't returning into the world the gifts that God gives our family. Yet I think it is what God needs me to do right now. While I want to construct a life that will praise God as beautifully as any church, I need to start with a foundation: A family that can bear the weight of God's Will for its members.

This foundation needs to involve the entire family; I cannot create it on my own. I lack a certain level of control or independence in my life. I cannot do anything or give anything without my family also doing or giving. Even something as simple as cooking a meal for a friend who is going through a busy period requires a gift from my family. If I cook when the children are awake, my husband must watch the children with less help from me for a little longer. If I cook when they are asleep, it takes from the time my husband and I spend together as a couple, watching TV or playing video games. My husband didn't sign up for a wife who is never available to share his passion because she wants so much to fit in with her friends, and this may be part of our problems lately.

Part of me is embarressed that I'm choosing playing video games with my husband over helping a friend, but on closer examination I realize it's actually a very shallow embarressment. My situation isn't the same as the other women, where the homemaker of the family is the one drawing the family into their community, and I shouldn't be measuring myself against them. A large part of what is going on in my head is a less-shallow version of keeping up with the Jones'. The big difference is that I'm trying to keep up in an area of real value, the area of helping my friends, rather than in the area of "fancy car" or "nice house" - but otherwise, the situation is very similar. Following the caring example of a friend out of love is good; feeling guilty because I am not as helpful as my friends is honestly a little silly.

My friends already have foundations, at least for this part of their houses, and they are able to meet the needs of their community without me. Right now, I need to give my family the things they need to feel comfortable signing up, as a family, for this kind of simple ministry and making it part of our family's work. In this, I really miss the short stint I spent as a homemaker. During the time when my husband was at work, I had complete leadership over the family. I could do as I saw fit, provided I was fulfilling my responsibilities to my children. I no longer experience that sort of leadership of our family, and I find I really miss it.

No, really, I still exist

2008-10-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a long time. I also have been withdrawn from friends, family, and so on for a while. After all the craziness around my taking leave, I suppose it makes sense that a few people are getting worried.

So, some reassurance. I've been absent mainly because I'm focusing on just the couple of things that really matter, and trying to get a solid foundation under our family. We've missed a number of social / prayer events lately due to normal illnesses that run around in the fall plus the girls giving up naps but still really needing them. We're trying a new schedule at home, and it doesn't leave me much time to make phone calls. And I'm not going out of my way to get involved with the opportunities around me to help others until we figure out what is going on with DH so that he and I can sit down and talk about how much involvement he can encourage, and at what part me giving my time becomes a burden to him.

On the DH-and-I front, I really think counseling is getting somewhere since we switched counselors. We've had three sessions with each counselor, and I felt like we didn't get anywhere at all with the first. In contrast, this counselor has covered the main path that our conversations for the past year have been meandering along, and by the third session we were discussing new things that have barely been touched on.

Even better, DH has scheduled an appointment to be evaluated for depression. I know that it really helped me to work with professionals to figure out if I had a problem - and I was really happy (albeit embarressed) to learn that I did, and that there was an easy fix. I think DH is starting to see that he is probably in a similar situation, and that the family needs him to be healthy and active. Just realizing that he probably isn't healthy seems to have helped a lot. I can understand why; "I have a medical issue" inspires a lot less guilty than "I am lazy" (or, in my case, "I am a bad wife"). I really hope we get a useful diagnosis; I can't believe that my husband is healthy right now. He's definitely getting closer, and I can see him trying - which is a huge step in and of itself. But I would really like to have back the man who supported me and his children in so many ways right after he became a father.

And for myself, being healthy again is wonderful. I can still tell when I miss my iron pills, but I can now miss a single dose without feeling the effects. It's not until I miss two doses that I really feel yucky. I'm not intentionally missing doses, mind you; I just have to pay attention more now that I don't start feeling yucky prompty around the time I was supposed to take some more medicine. Of course, I'll feel better once I get over this cold; I guess I'm not really all *that* healthy right now. Meh, whatever; overall, I'm doing better.

Wow . . . speak, Lord. I'm LISTENING!

2008-09-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I talk about a "pull" I'm feeling. It hit me, near the end of that post, that I'm doing something very big there: I'm acknowledging my belief that this "pull" is probably God's grace - and not just my own desires or subconscious. That's either a large step closer or a large step further from where God is calling me to be: I'm either right, and acknowledging a deep and beautiful truth, or I'm delusional and letting my pride and arrogance guide me into thinking I can know God's will in this way. This calls for prayer. I definitely believe it is the first option, that this is a deep truth, but my reason for believing that is the "pull" itself. It's circular. Then again, don't we trust our senses and reason for similarly circular reasons? Because our senses confirm themselves. Because our reason assures us that our reason is correct.

It's the three together that I find shape my perception of life: the "pull", which I believe is grace and conscience; the senses, which I believe are honest interpretations of the physical world around me; and reason, which I believe is a real talent humans have that allows us to draw new conclusions from the information available to us. The leap for me is to put what I believe to be my way of experiencing conscience and grace, separate from reason, on a parity with the senses as a way to gain knowledge about the world. It's a bit more difficult to accept this "pull" as real information, because I can't confirm my experiences with others as well. We lack a vocabulary to describe the experience of grace as richly and clearly as we can describe our experiences of sight, sound, touch, and so on.

My approach with any new, basic paradigm is to "try it on for size". While at some level I've accepted these experiences as real in the past, I've also kept a strong mental buffer that I could just be making this stuff up. Is it okay to let that buffer down, or weaken it? Can I trust these experiences in a way that is more like how I trust my own sight? Is this sense real at all, real but highly distorted (possibly by sin), real and very trustworthy? Can I experience "hallucinations" of this "sense" much the way I might imagine I hear DH saying my name - only to find out it was a radio announcer saying the words "and the"? So it's time for a trial run: Act as if the paradigm shift I'm considering is accurate, and see if I continue to have greater confidence in the new model of my world than in the old.

I may be just kidding myself, but I may also be learning to consciously use a new set of "eyes" for the first time ever. Yet even if there is some truth to this idea, I also need to be prepared for another possibility: Maybe this is God's grace that I experience, but maybe I am not meant to understand it. Yet part of me responds, "Surely God would want us to understand enough to know that we can trust Him! If He is calling so hard for us to listen, through His Word, surely there must be something reliable for us to hear!"

So, uh, God? I'm listening. Are you willing to give me a microphone check? Huh . . . wait . . . I'm suspecting . . . that I'm hearing one, and it says, "40 Days for Life, test, test".

Now, the big question . . . do I post this, and risk sounding like a crazy person, speaking of senses that don't touch the physical reality? Or do I play it safe and just leave it in draft form, saved on the server but never made public?

If you are reading this, then you already know what I decided.

40 Days for Life

2008-09-23T08:21:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the start of 40 Days for Life, a pro-life effort to save lives of unborn children and bring our nation closer to protecting our most vulnerable, least vocal members (or at least, they should be members . . . but humanity has this tendency to try and exclude other humans from our group, and this time the excluded group can't fight back).

I've been a little out of the loop, but God has sent enough tugs that I looked into it - just in time. I think this is as He intended it. A quick round of prayer suggests to me that I don't need to go out of my way to seek out a visible role in this campaign. If God wants me distributing literature or participating in the vigil, I have this feeling that He will drop the opportunity into my lap. So on that front, I think I'm being called to "Let go and let God."

On the other hand, prayer and fasting have that familiar "pull" to them. I'm still praying on this, but looking at committing myself to 40 days of praying the Rosary daily and fasting from milk, tea, and coffee. Actually, I've been meaning to do these things anyways for health reasons - but my own good alone is somehow not enough motivation for me. To do these things for others is easier, and God will understand what I am giving - and will use the health benefits that I receive, I believe, to bring me closer to a place where I can be more actively and visibly involved in His work in the future.

The other thing "tugging" at me is to make a few phone calls. I know people who are also being pulled by this issue. I think I need to make sure a few of these people know what God is guiding right now.

The girls slept well . . .

2008-09-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

They started their nap at 3:30 PM yesterday, or so DH tells me.

They woke up at 5:45 AM this morning.

We did go in and change them into diapers at almost 9:00 PM last night. They did not eat dinner. DH and I played video games and ate dinner at our keyboards. It was almost like being in college again. This morning, Iliana got a huge kick out of being awake before the sun (she's going to LOVE Washington's winters - she'll beat the sun up almost every day in a month or so!).

Cooking!

2008-09-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know . . . most people cook. It's not a big deal.

But I still love getting time and energy at the same time to throw together a meal. I made peach cobbler and a "The Works" quiche (kielbasa, onion, green pepper, and olives). Actually, it ended up being three quiches.

The peach cobbler was made with rehydrated freeze-dried peaches, and looks AMAZING. I modified a berry cobbler recipe from my aunt, which requires you to sprinkle sugar over the finished cobbler and then pour boiling water on top. The result is a sort of "glazed" crust on top . . . yummy.

I think I take extra pride in my cooking because I am NOT a SAH parent. For me, this is working outside of my specialization, so when I do well I feel extra proud.

A big thanks goes to my husband, for finding the pie plates that were still packed in the garage. Thanks also goes to my children, for staying asleep long enough for me to get it all into the oven and then blog about it.

Next time, I'm going to try a berry cobbler. I have freeze-dried strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries hanging around as well.

Can "Food" be a love language?

2008-09-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

There's a neat book about "love languages" that I borrowed from a friend recently, which has the premise that everyone feels most loved when love is expressed to them in a certain way. This way of expressing love is a person's "love language". The five languages discussed in the book are Words of Appreciation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Gifts. I'm not sure it's quite that simple - five precise categories and that's it - but the basic idea that some people express their love differently from others, and it behooves us to learn their "language" so they can hear our love for them, seems solid.

If I do have a single love language, Words of Appreciation seems likely for me. But Acts of Service seems likely as well, especially one particular act: Feeding me. Food is love.

However, I also note that being given a meal falls under most of the languages. What better quality time is there than a family dinner? What better gift than a home-cooked meal? What greater daily act of service than providing someone with the food they need to live? Even DH's request that I stay seated when I rise to get the girls more milk makes me feel special - because implicitly, he's saying "You deserve a break because of all the things you do for us. Thank you. I love you" I can hear the Words of Appreciation clearly, even though the actual words are, "Stay seated. Geesh, I can handle it!"

I'm a great translator ;-) And exaggerating slightly for comic effect.

Last night, DH made a special meal with me in mind. Spinach, meat, peppers stir-fried with peanut butter and coconut milk and served mixed with noodles. We sprinkled Thai spice on ours, but left the kids' food plain. Yummy - but also very high in iron, and stuff that will help asorb iron. Just that morning, we'd learned from the 'Net that non-heme irons (not from meat) asorbed better when eaten with heme iron - and DH planned a meal for me based on that information.

I mean, wow. That's caring - hearing a little bit of information, and then figuring out a way to apply it to make your spouse healthier and happier, that very same day.

I just ate the leftovers for lunch. And I'm in love. I'll try to remember to give him a hug - his language seems to be Touch.

P.S. I cooked up the rest of the spinach for a side-dish for myself, and was eating it. The girls insisted that I give them some of Mommy's Food, and then gobbled it down. It's funny how making a food just for myself makes it seem "special" to them. This, plus chanting the name of the veggie, is how we got them to love broccoli too. And zucchini. ZU-CCHI-NI! ZU-CCHI-NI! BRO-CCO-LI! UGH! YEAH!

We rarely limit the amount of treats we let them have - we're more likely to limit their veggies (because DH never cooks enough!!! ;-) If we have something sweet to share, we usually just let them eat as much as they want until it's gone. The trick is that we don't share with them most of the time - we just wait until after they are in bed.

Back to work

2008-09-09T10:34:00.001-07:00

I'm back at work, and things seem to be going well. I think the big advantage of having time off from work ended up being space to get medical care. Apparently, my poor performance at work wasn't due just to stress. I was actually low on iron as well. I don't think I was anemic, but I was definitely close enough to be getting many symptoms - fatigue, dizziness, restless leg syndrome (which impacted sleep . . . which caused fatigue . . .), irritability, and depression. I am now taking 16 times the normal daily recommended iron in pill-form with vitamin C, and am doing much better.

Returning to work was a bit scary - but mostly because I wasn't sure I would be able to function better once I got back. In fact, the first day, last Friday, I didn't function well. I was almost falling asleep in meetings, exhausted by the time the day was over, and worried that I wasn't going to be healthy in time. Some dear friends were very nice to me when I stopped by after work, and I felt better in time to sleep well that night.

In retrospect, the issue was probably that I'd figured out I was supposed to be taking six pills of iron, and not just one a day, a mere two days or less ahead of time - and the iron simply hadn't built up yet. I was probably actually sicker than I was when I started leave (more on that later) when I started the supplements, near the end of leave. Over the weekend, I seem to have rebuilt up the critical amount of iron so I can function pretty well - I'm still getting tired and short dizzy spells in the evenings, but I'm enthused about work again.

So, why did I have iron deficiency? Often, this can be a sign of a much more serious issue - cancer, internal bleeding, and other yucky stuff. You will be happy to know that is probably NOT the case here. Most likely, I ran short because I donated blood, and apparently can't replenish my iron as quickly as many other people. I need to check with my doctor a bit more, and will badger him about further testing - but this explanation really fits the evidence. For example, things got a lot rougher after the move - and, looking back at email, I did donate blood about two or three weeks after the move. Before that, I remember getting despondent around December to January. I assumed that it was because covering for my teammates on vacation kept me from learning my own position and that was demoralizing, especially when the new person joined and I still didn't know what MY job was - but I actually also donated blood around late December, too.

And there's a big silver lining. DH and I are finally dealing with some major relationship issues that were unsurfaced by all of this. You know, the ones I've been blogging about? They weren't just products of my iron deficiency or bad mood, and they weren't my fault (although I certainly haven't been helping things get better lately, either).

So, looking at the results of being sick:
1) I came close to losing my job and lost some of my coworkers' confidence in me.
2) Our finances are really bad right now. We're scraping by for the next six weeks.
3) DH and I are finally working on a chronic problem in our relationship - in the past, the main person working on fixing things has been me. The chronic problem, of course, is that responsibility in our family hasn't been balanced appropriately. DH is finally taking on the main responsibility for working on this problem - and other responsibilities are shifting as well.
4) We got to see what happens when I can't function well, which clearly underscored the importance of #3. There really has been too much depending on me.
5) Following from #4, DH is seeing how important he is to our family from a new perspective: He is seeing how he can be strong when I am weak - and how critical it is that he volunteers to be strong. This next statement probably won't surprise anyone reading this blog - but dads / husbands matter! And not just as a paycheck or daily child care. Yet, I've been shocked by how many people are happy to give men a "pass" on participating fully beyond their basic 9-to-5 duties.
6) I now am healthy again, and have a better idea of what being healthy looks like. I think I might have been low on iron before and didn't recognize it, in retrospect. That probably won't happen again.
7) I am now better prepared to promote my expectations of my partner, and better able to trust in my ability to be reasonable. I spent a lot of time looking for outside confirmation that what I was asking from my husband was, in fact, reasonable. In retrospect, I know the answer: My expectations were not reasonable. I expected far too little, and the fact that DH was still struggling to meet those very low expectations was a symptom of a bigger issue and a sign that he needed some help from someone else.
8) I now know the value of considering the possibility that the other person is contributing to a problem as well, instead of assuming that if I do things differently or "get it right", I can make the problem will go away on my own. Recognizing other people's failings can be a good thing, if done with charity.
9) I got a month to spend with my family, with no parent working outside the home. "Some things, money can't buy." I'm saving my vacation time so we can do this again - have a long period of time, at home, just being together doing normal things.

A lengthy, wordy list (but hey, what did you expect from me?). The summary: Career and finances are in a bad position, but we're poised to make the most of it with flying colors. So things will probably continue to be annoying for a while longer as I repair my career and we get finances back on track. Then we'll probably regain our ground and have enough momentum to "get ahead", and then get enough wiggle room to make some changes and get a bit more "control" over our lives - although maybe "influence" is a better word; we never really get full control over anything in life. But we do get a lot of influence - if we keep our eyes open for it.

In toddler news . . .

2008-08-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Lenora likes liver (and Iliana doesn't). Lenora also can sing her entire ABC's, although she sometimes forgets and skips 'N' and "TUVWX' (and instead sings, "Q, R, S, Y and Z"). Today I actually tried a little phonics exercixe on her, using the Dr. Suess ABC book and having the girls echo back words starting with each letter, and then ending the page by having them just make the sound of the letter (so, 'puh, puh, puh' for 'P', or 'mmmmmmm' for 'M'). We started with 'M', and they stayed interested all the way until 'V', when they lost interest because the sound was too tough (and they'd already done about a dozen letters, having great fun - I was amazed!). I don't think Iliana understood the exercise as anything other than fun noises, but Lenora is starting to recognize letters and had that intent manner that tells me she is learning and piecing things together. Once she figures out that those symbols make WORDS, I think she'll learn to read very, very quickly. It's probably a year or more off before she connects those dots - but she's getting a glimmering of it already.

I admit: I want my children to learn to read young. I learned young, and loved it soooo much! I am so excited to be able to share this with my children, and thrilled that one of them is showing interest. Actually, she's more interested than I ever expected at this age! But then, Lenora is really sensitive to our feelings . . . she may know how much this matters to me, and be working on letters because she can tell it gives her a special relationship with me. And it does - Iliana and I have more similar personalities, while Lenora is more like her Dad, so sharing a love of words with Lenora is extra special to me.

Iliana's not as interested in her letters, but I'm definitely seeing the "twin synergy" kick in. That's what I call the effect where one twin learns something, and then the other twin picks it up without any more work from us - even though it's not in her personality to work on that skill. As parents, DH and I focus on teaching whomever is easiest to teach a particular skill, and almost always the other sibling will go through a spurt in a couple of months, and almost catch up with her sister before returning to her "favorite" skills to develop once more.

Iliana continues to "test" a lot - I think she will always push boundaries more than Lenora will. She is just so curious. However, she is definitely starting to get the hang of self-restraint, and is mastering the art of charming people (except when she is tired - did I mention that she takes after me?).

Both girls are thrilled with all the kids they've seen lately. The older children of our friends are amazing with these little girls, and really look out for them and love to show them new things. I'm seeing their care reflected in how the girls play and care for their dolls (and our own care . . . Iliana's dolls get a lot of timeouts, always administered by her with glee, but they get lots of hugs too).

For the first time ever, I'm starting to see the behavior that DH sees when I'm gone. The girls are getting used to me being home, and sometimes will go play by themselves instead of clinging around me constantly, fussing and screaming unless I'm directly interacting with them. It's taken them over a week to get to that point, but things did start to smooth out after the first two days of leave. I'm amazed by the games they play on their own - their imaginations have become so much richer lately, and they are starting to act out small stories now. The other day I learned that they were driving to the zoo in their toy car to see the monkeys with their Bahka. "Bahka", by the way, is Iliana's made-up name for her grandmother, possibly derived from the thousands of books in Grandma's home. It's the only baby-word that has really "stuck" in our vocabulary.

Anyways, I'm still totally a first-time parent, revelling in all the new differences I see in my children. And obsessed with my kids . . . I sometimes feel embaressed by how single-minded I can be towards my kids, and I notice I often forget to talk about someone else's kids once in a while. Hopefully I'll grow out of that. I'm working on it, but I think it's harder with twins. It's not just my child that is amazing, it's how DIFFERENT they are. I still can't believe I got such ideal children - they are so much like the twins I daydreamed about while pregnant, with different personalities and richly enjoying each other's company. Except they listen better than I expected. I rarely have to threaten with timeouts, and even more rarely have to follow through on my threat.

Of course, they haven't gotten old enough to really start bickering yet. Or rebel.

Shopping trip!

2008-08-17T19:14:00.001-07:00

DH and I finally realized that we could postpone our mortgage payments until the 16th if we pay a fee of $6 - meaning we will get another paycheck first. I put enough money into savings to get us through September (since our income will be going entirely to the next two mortgage payments), and the remainder is more than enough to get us through August with a little left over for much-needed "large item" purchases.

Our first "large purchase" was a shopping trip to Cash 'n' Carry. We spent a lot - over $200 - but walked out with soooo much meat. I broke all the pieces of meat up into sandwich bags - some diced for soups, some sliced for "snacks", some cut into "coins" of sausage, some cut into "steaks" of ham and turkey. In my experience, that is just the right amount of meat to use for one meal (which usually lasts us for dinner and lunch the next day, since we usually make soup or stir-fry or something with it). We have thirty bags from today's trip alone! Add in the meat we already have, and we have about 2 months of meat now in our freezer :-) Plus we have some cheese, condiments, spices . . . I'm happy.

I'm working to organize a get-together with a couple of friends to make a bunch of freezer meals together in a couple of days, as well. I'm also going to mix up some bags of dry spices, beans, grains, veggies, and mushrooms to make crockpot soups and chiles - just add meat! All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about the food situation when I go back to work.

I've set aside Tuesday to Thursday to just focus on food preperation - Bjorn has agreed to take the girls out while I work. Right now, we're actually focusing on laundry and clothes - getting everything washed and put away, and figuring out what the "right place" is for everything. Then we'll go to San Juan Island to visit Bjorn's parents for the weekend. Once we get back, we'll focus on unpacking all of the boxes in the garage and getting things in general organized and put away around the house for a week - and then the last week, I get to focus on the garden (which is fun, but hard work), and will return to work on Friday, September 5th.

I'm hoping that we can start pretending I'm "going to work" as the date draws closer - having me work outside for most of the day, just coming in for lunch, while Bjorn handles everything he'll be handling once I return to my real work, and keeping an early schedule - getting up at 5 AM, and going to bed right after the girls.

Leave of absence from work

2008-08-04T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be taking a leave of absence from work starting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to do my job better after taking a break. And hopefully that will be enough to keep my job.

Going without an income is going to be a financial stretch. But this is a good job, and losing it will be a longer financial stretch - and finding a new job would be a huge mental hurdle right now. It's really hard to sell yourself when you feel like a loser *and* you just got laid off.

I've been trying to tell myself that it's okay to just enjoy the time off and not feel guilty or like a failure because "I ought to feel bad, it's my fault I need to take time off". I thought I was prepared to be positive - but then I go to blog about it, and I feel like I should be expressing remorse (yet another benefit of the blog - it uncovers bad mindsets I might not otherwise recognize until it was too late).

I can't really afford to take all the blame right now (even though it *is* all my fault, 'cuz I'm SuperWoman and should NEVER fail at anything! And should be completely independent of those around me and never need help or support!). I know it's irrational to think this is entirely my fault. The last thing I need is to get depressed right as I take time off of work, and spend 30 days wallowing in self-pity. I can be really good at wallowing . . . not exactly a skill that gets listed on my CV :-P

Daily prayer

2008-07-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've needed to add regular daily prayer into my life for a long time. This is gaining especial importance now that the girls are becoming old enough to actively pray with me (and prayer is becoming easier - it's so much easier to do something "for the children and family" than "for myself").

Enter this website: Daily Catholic Prayer. Simple, but good.

I've been trying to remember to say grace before meals, at least at home. The girls are eager to join in the ritual of prayer, even though they do not fully understand it. Children are so eager to say, "Thank you!" I need to add prayer in before bed as well, but ritual prayers alone do not feel right to me.

I think examination of concience is perfect, however. The girls are so eager to be polite and "nice". "Thank you", "I'm sorry", and "Please" come naturally to them. Saying one of each before bed, to God, seems so natural and . . . right. And ageless. These words are appropriate at all stages of life - they are limitless in their capacity for sophistication and expression, and grow as we do.

Maybe someday we'll be ready for daily Mass or Rosaries, but for now I'll focus on a humble foundation. This temple for worshipping the Lord is not yet ready for a steeple.

My favorite gem: A prayer for work.
"Direct, we beg You, O Lord,
our actions by Your holy inspirations
And grant that we may carry them out
with Your gracious assistance,
That every prayer and work of ours
may begin always with You,
and through You be happily ended.
Amen."

What kind of job I'm looking for

2008-07-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

First, my background:
- I have a BS in Computer Engineering from the University of Washington, which is a pretty good school for CS (it's often ranked next after Berkeley - around the 5th / 6th best school in the country when I graduated).
- I have 6 months experience as a software development engineer intern.
- Since graduation, I have worked in the test discipline.
* Nine months as an Software Test Engineer contractor at Microsoft (MS) (working for Volt)
* One year as a Software Development Engineer in Test (SDET) contractor at MS (working for Volt)
* Eight months in current position as MS SDET in Internet Explorer
- I may be making a career switch to development - but need to conduct some informational interviews first to learn what QA outside of MS looks like.

I'll post a link to my resume once I get around to updating it.

So the first thing I actually need to do is to conduct informational interviews at various companies to see what their 1-2 years experience test development and entry-level software development work is like. I've heard that testing outside of MS is very different, and I'm not sure I'm interested in a test career outside of this company.

Right now, what I need most is contacts for informational interviews with software development professionals and software testing professionals in a variety of companies. I will not be looking for a job in these interviews - rather, I will be trying to decide what kind of company I am interested in working in, and whether I want to continue my career in software testing or make a career move to software development. If I spend time on unemployment, I will *need* to make contact on specific jobs, so I should use this time to figure out the big picture information I will need to make those contacts useful.

I am especially interested in companies that match any of the following points:
- Are in or very close to Everett
- Have great benefits, especially health benefits
- Are concerned with making the world a better place, either by directly working towards that goal (like Catholic Charities . . . but I don't think they're hiring for my role right now) or by taking steps to give as a company and encouraging giving and volunteering by their employees (MS does a great job with this)
- Are full of enthusiastic, active people who really love what they do
- Have room for flexible schedules for employees (like 7 to 4 schedules instead of 8 to 5, or "just get the work done and be here from 10 to 4" - like at MS)

I'm still working out what my needed and desired salaries are. I'd prefer full-time work with a great company, but contract work at a company that I *think* is great would be OK if I can find a good, small, personal contracting agency.

Yeesh. Re-reading this post is giving me the shakes. It's very real. The only thing I've been through in my life that had a similar emotional impact was finding out that we were expecting twins. Of course, my first reaction there was happiness - but then I started reading about the health risks and challenges, and I was really roller-coasting emotionally for a while, between excited anticipation and fear. Here, the first reaction was being upset - but the roller-coasting is pretty similar. As long as I keep pushing forward when I'm feeling optimistic, I should be able to coast through the down-periods and just focus on prayer until I'm ready to get back to work again.

I know other people who have been through similar problems before - so that's an advantage over the twin pregnancy. I can talk to friends who have been through this before. Obviously, it's not the end of the world. The really scary parts of job loss are fairly far down the road - a lot of things have to go wrong before we're really in trouble.

More of an update on the job issues

2008-07-21T09:47:00.001-07:00

I have a bit more information about what will be happening with my job. It's bad and good. I can say that I expect to be working at another company in the near future, and I don't expect to be fired.

I'm almost looking forward to things changing now. If I ignore how much my knees are shaking, that is. I'm trying to figure out what I want to get out of this change - dreams I was putting off because things were just settling down and I wasn't ready to change things up again - and this situation is also giving our family a much-needed shake-up. Our family seems to struggle with luxery and comfort. We hang together much better in tough times.

Please pray for us to be given to from the gifts of the Holy Spirit, espceially fortitude. And give thanks to St. Ignatius for that wonderful truism, "Pray as if everything depended on God. Work as if everything depended on you." I may be paraphrasing - I've never read the original text, just others quoting him. But those words describe very well what I need to be doing right now.

I'm on the clock right now, so I need to get back to work (I guess this is my 15 minute break - I don't usually take those, I normally blog during lunch or just before or just after work). I'll post on what kind of job I'm looking for during lunch, in case anyone has any practical help to offer - and also because I need to firm it up in my own head.

Thank you for your comments and prayers. I can't tell you how much they help.

Prayers please

2008-07-18T17:04:00.001-07:00

I have good reason to think that if I don't start doing better at work, I may lose my job, and I'm feeling very scared. I don't know if I can deal with yet another round of changes while I'm still feeling exhausted from moving and all the family stress. I don't have much optimism left right now. Logically, I know we'll get through this one way or another,that God is there - but emotionally, I'm just tired.

I'm hoping I can pull everything together enough to keep this job. I suspect I'll actually feel better once I get through the shock - although it shouldn't have been such a shock. I knew things were going badly. In a way, it's good to have my intuition confirmed.

I was hoping to have a little energy to start looking at the presidential candidates. Guess I'm not going to get that for a while.

I'm trying to pull myself together enough that I don't break into tears on the bus. I cry very easily, so that's going to be tough. I'm feeling a little bad about feeling so bad - a friend of a friend recently learned that she had cancer,then learned that it could be contained. I know people go through harder challenges, but I just wish I didn't feel so darned guilty for putting my family into *this* challenge.

Got a lot done this weekend!

2008-07-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

This was a great weekend - lots happened, lots got done.

We started out taking a walk as a family to the local produce store. They give major discounts for cash but we only had $15 in bills, so it was kind of fun to pick out the best values and get the most possible for our money. We walked out with four nectarines, four yellow apples, 2 lbs. grapes, two bananas, 10 lbs. potatoes, a coconut, 4 baby avocados (cute, but turned out mediocre), and 2 mangoes. I was pretty happy with that haul :-)

We went home, ate fruit, and the girls napped while DH and I did a few chores and then played an online MMO for a bit. When the girls woke up we just hung out for a couple of hours, but tempers started fraying as we headed into the evening. Finally we just packed up, gassed the car at the cheapest local station, grabbed food from the AM PM, and went to the beach for an inpromptu picnic. Everyone had fun and came home tired.

This morning, we dropped the girls off at the grandparents, then went out for pho (cheap Vietnamese soup - wonderfully delicious). We talked a bit about how to organize things a bit better now that DH is in charge. He said he'd be interested in me making a regular meeting agenda, so I'll get around to that when I get a little time. We're doing our meetings twice a month, the 1st and 16th.

Then we went to Mass, and got the wonderful treat of praise and praying without being distracted by our children or by accusatory glances from older members of the congregation. After Mass, I planted the five tomato plants and pepper plant that the grandparents had given us - after first uprooting a huge patch of daisies and clearing out a little more of the evil "corner of weeds" growing up behind the shed. When the girls came home, we watched a couple episodes of "The Adams Family" together (nursing . . . sigh) while DH cooked spaghetti squash and hotdogs, with cheese on the side - and then headed back out so I could get in another hour of weeding. The corner of weeds is now almost done, and it was impressive - containing no less than 5 weeds over 6 feet tall, most of which had fallen over under their own weight, as well as a multitude of other random plants. I found a few surviving flowering plants hidden under the vines, milkweeds, and grass, too!

And now DH is cooking a little extra food for us, enough that I will be able to take some of it in to work for lunch tomorrow! I am quite happy indeed.

When the rain stops, God sends rainbows and roses

2008-07-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

We all know the old saying, "When it rains, it pours." I want to add my own addendum to that - the title of this post. When it rains, it pours, but when the rain stops then God sends rainbows and roses.

I've been telling myself that lots of parts of life are going through waves - they have their upturns and their downturns. Normally things are heading downhill in just one or two areas at a time, and I feel buffered by the upturns. This time, I felt like there were gradual downturns pretty much everywhere. But when you get to the bottom of the downturn, you usually hit an upturn. And since everything went down at the same time, now everything is going up at the same time, for at least a while.

So we're getting rainbows - the natural fallout from a storm. There's the joy of rebuilding a strained relationship (because relationship building is more fun than maintaining). Free and easy smiles look much prettier when they haven't been seen for a while. They are our reminders of our wedding vow to each other that things will never get so bad that we try to wipe out the past in a flood of rain and misery (what else can divorce be?) and start over - we can always keep working from where we are, and will always keep trying again "until death do us part".

Then there are the roses - the fresh, good things that come up as a result of the storm, that would not flower without the rain. DH's growing pride in our home, still seeming a touch fragile, but definitely sprouting. The clean home from the maid service that cleaned for the first time yesterday (but the pre-cleaning we did - led by DH - was the real win). There's my deeper understanding that even meddling that someone else says they wants - is still meddling, and is still getting in the way of them doing it themselves. Sometimes even a marraige needs tough love (oh, dear, that means it'll be my turn some day . . . LOL).

The rain analogy continues further - the mess and debris that builds up in our heads is cleared away a bit more after the storm, like dust washed away from leaves and rocks, and the world seems fresher, cleaner, somehow better defined. We can see better the things we care about, and even the air is clearer - allowing us to see further, to view mountain peaks in the distance and grasp better the bigger world around our little niche of life.

True, the ground here is still a bit soggy, and will stay that way for a while. However, that's no reason not to go outside in my bare feet, soak it in, and marvel for a bit.

And now - it's time for me to put my metaphorical shoes back on, take one last look around - and metaphorically head back inside my all-too-literal office and get back to my very literal work.

Getting organized

2008-07-09T10:49:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to finally make progress on the pile of disorganization in my life!

I'm using a system called "Getting Things Done" (GTD), described in the book by the same name by David Allen. I like it because it gets to the heart of what I like about most organization systems, and because it works well with computerized tools.

What I like about the basic structure of organization - the list - is that it gets things off of my mind - but until I read GTD, I didn't realize that fact. What I normally don't like is that I don't follow up with my lists, because it's so hard to find the information I need without reading the whole list and sorting through it mentally. GTD has some ways to handle that. and with an online system like "Toodledo" to help, I'm now able to look at my to-do list and, at the top, always see the things that are most important to me right now. With computer features like filtering and sorting, GTD becomes very, very powerful.

For example: The main question I ask at work is, "What should I be doing right now?" I look at my GTD list, and filter by context (work), date (I don't want to see anything that can't be started until tomorrow), and actionability (I have items in my todo list that can't be started until something else is done, and they are labelled to reflect this). Once I have all the actionable items I can do today at work, I sort them by due date and priority (Toodledo rolls these together into one concept called "Importance", and so I just use that), and then by how long the work will take. I do the shortest tasks first, just to get them off of my mind.

The flip side is that I need to regularly add items into my list. I handle this by writing everything down in a notebook when I am away from my computer, and then adding it into my system once a day (I have a repeating top-priority todo for this that is automatically added every day for me by Toodledo). The final part I haven't done yet, but it is to go through the system once a week or so and make sure the list is in order - delete outdated items, readjust due dates, and generally clean house.

So far, this system looks good. Someday I'll read back on this post with 20/20 hindight, and know if it really worked for me or not - maybe I'll leave myself a comment?

Hrm, a benefit to the online diary: I can write notes on my entries when I look back at them from future years. That's a fun idea.

I need to write more on WOHPs - what does a good WOHP look like?

2008-07-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

This blog is starting to become the diary I've always wanted to keep, but never felt motivated enough to maintain. I love the perspective I get from the comments - not just support, but also subtle questioning about my thinking. Hence three entries today - I'm going through a shift in thought, and documenting it in my diary.

This post is my thoughts about how giving up on responsibility at home has a flip side - I need to start living up to and thinking about my responsibilities at work. Until this point, I've been stressed about home and family. It's more important to me, and what I really care about, so it's what I've been writing about. Home is still important to me, but I've made a decision to conciously spend less time on caring about it. A SAHP is someone you can trust with the things that are most important to you in the whole world, and that is what I am trying to do. I've given myself permission to be disappointed with my husband, and that seems to be important. But while I was focusing too much on things that aren't my job, my actual job has slipped badly. I need to spend some time being disappointed with myself :-) And think about how I can be supportive and encouraging for myself, too.

If this blog is going to be my diary, it's a great place to get myself back on track. A diary doesn't have to just reflect my state of mind - I can use my diary as a tool to actually change my state of mind. Right now, I want to be thinking more about work. When I think about home, I want to be thinking about how I can appreciate and support my spouse and love my children, not about how to fix problems. Why is fixing the operation of our home my responsibility? It's not.

When I think about work, I should be investing the same kind of passion and active involvement that I was putting into my home life. True, I care less about work than about home. Nonetheless, it's my job and it is important. The fact that my work is less important than caring for children and preparing them for the world is no excuse not to do my best. My job is a critical part of my husband's work, giving him the resources he needs to feed, clothe, and care for my children so he can focus on teaching them how to live and on making a home out of our house. So expect more posts on my efforts to be a better employee as a WOHM who can (hopefully) rely on a SAHD, and fewer posts about how to get a reverse-traditional home to function.

While writing this, I had an interesting twist in my thought direction. Because of my desire to encourage and motivate DH, I've been thinking a lot about how important SAHPs are, and how difficult their jobs really are. I need to look at the other side for a bit, now. I want to keep talking about how cool the things DH does are, but I also want to start looking at the WOHP role in our home and in general, and I want to get a better understanding of it. I hear so much about WOHPs who treat their spouses like slaves and never do anything to help out, who are condescending and unfair. But what does a good WOHP look like? What do they do - and what do they not need to worry about, because they are entrusting it to the SAHP?

While writing this, it just hit me that I have very few models for this. I've never really lived in a home with a WOHP (Work Outside the Home Parent) who relied on a SAHP. No wonder I've been getting overinvolved. I really wonder what SAHPs expect from WOHPs. I don't want to be a female version of that wretched, crude, unappreciative WOHD figure at one extreme, but I also don't want to be living like a single mom - trying to "do it all" - either. Yes, I've asked DH for his take on what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing - but he doesn't have a good answer, and I suspect he doesn't really know either. He has said that he doesn't think I should be responsible for any of the work around the house, but I really don't think he should be expecting to do it all without help.

Hrm . . . maybe I should ask for a little help from those who read this blog? In your family, what are the responsibilities of the WOHP? What do you think WOHPs, in general, need to do better? What does a great WOHP look like? Feel free to use WOHD or SAHM (the normal gendered Dad / Mom versions of WOHP, SAHP) or whatever terms work for you - I'm not hung up on being PC.

Agreeing on responsibilities isn't enough

2008-07-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

Before we actually had DH stay home, we had an agreement about how we wanted things to work. We both agreed that we wanted the kids to have lots of time with me when I was home, and we agreed that this meant that I would be doing less housework. The idea was, I would be primary parent when I was home and when I was home DH would do most of the housework that he didn't get done during the day. I would help him out after the kids went to bed, and during naps on weekends.

We have always had similar views on what housework needs to be done: Very little. I need clean clothes for work, but otherwise we just need to be covered and not making anyone uncomfortable. I do care about nutrition, but cooking can be minimal - steam the veggies, cut some bread and cheese. Clean dishes for eating do matter - reusing dishes from the previous meal bugs me. The clutter should be managed well enough that we aren't constantly losing things we need, like unpaid bills or favorite toys. Any cleaning or repair work needed to avoid permanent damage to our house or valuable property should be taken care of. Clean, clear surfaces for cooking are a major nice-to-have because I do like to cook at least on Sundays. We had a list of who did what, and chore schedules.

In short, we actually had very clear expectations. However, we didn't do one important thing: We didn't designate who was in charge of enforcing this agreement. So things kept falling back into the "old way" that they used to work - because things wouldn't get done so I would do them, or would nag Bjorn to do them, or would try a new schedule of chores but (again) wouldn't tell Bjorn that he needed to manage the schedule and make sure it happened. I still felt like everything was my responsibility, but I couldn't actually do the work - and yet we both knew Bjorn was supposed to manage things, so at the same time it felt like he was failing. We were both taking responsibility for the failures, but not taking responsibility for organizing things to avoid those failures.

I finally realized that it wasn't the work at home itself that was getting to me. It was the stress of being responsible for the work, and for everyone's attitudes. I was still carrying that responsibility from back when I was the main homemaker. So no matter how much work DH does, it won't matter until he's doing the thinking and managing work as well. No matter how little work I do at home, it won't make any difference until I quit worrying about everything else that needs to happen but doesn't at home.

Agreeing on the responsibilities - the labor responsibilities - isn't enough. You need to agree on who will manage the responsibilities as well. And that's where we messed up. The working parent shouldn't be managing the home life, but without a specific agreement on who managed things, this work defaulted to its prior owner: The wife. Me.

We don't generally acknowledge that nagging, reminding, and encouraging other family members to be involved in the home life is work - sometimes it's exhausting and stressful work. It's part of a huge heap of work SAHPs do that we don't acknowledge. They MANAGE. Social calendars, budgets, attitudes, goals . . . someone needs to organize these things, watch over them, make sure they don't go sour. We missed it. Oops.

My two new favorite phrases :-)

2008-07-07T08:39:00.001-07:00

"Why is this my responsibility?" and "So, honey, what can I do to help?"

Weekend 1 of "risk acting like a jerk" went great. DH seems much happier, despite the eye-rolling every time I say "Why is this my responsibility?" or, "Why are you asking me? You're in charge of that." I thought I overdid things at one point, but then going back over the conversation in my head, the point where it went sour was - when I bit my toungue. When I finally said the thing I had thought was too harsh (but true), the conversation got back on track. It turned out I had misunderstood him. Gotta trust DH, gotta remember that I don't need to baby him.

I was very liberal about shirking any decision-making responsibilities related to the home. I did occasionally bring up things that were bothering me - like prepping for the maid this Thursday - but tried to focus on making sure that everyone knew it wasn't my responsibility. Nothing stinks as much as thinking someone else is handling a situation, only to find out that they had no clue and thought you were doing it. Plus this way, I'm not worried that someone will be disappointed in me - which makes it easier to say, "This is DH's responsibility. It's your work to relax so you can do well at your job."

Then after the kids went to bed, I didn't do any of the chores I care about. Instead, I asked DH to tell me what to do. From now on, he gets to figure out what is important. It's a difficult exercise in relaxation to look at a mess and say, "I shouldn't feel guilty about that. It's not my responsibility." All I'm responsible for is the small, precise tasks that Bjorn assigns me - and I refuse to take on "thinking" work, things like "Figure out what we should do."

I'm really looking forward to just doing what I'm told for a while. Every time I start thinking about something that isn't getting done at home, however, I need to carefully pull myself back and ask, "Why is this my responsibility?" Nine times out of ten, it isn't.

I can't do it all, and I'm not gonna try. If DH doesn't do things that needed to happen, I'm going to ask him how it's going to get done, so I don't have to worry about it. But the focus is on me not having to stress about it - getting the information I need to relax and trust that it will be taken care of eventually, before anything really bad happens. I will keeping asking questions and seeking answers until I can relax - and then I will stop, and trust DH.

Thanks for the support, and thoughts on my role going forward

2008-07-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

This is a thank-you for the great, supportive comments people have left on this blog. I get very scared blogging about my personal life sometimes - afraid that I'll reveal something horrible and shallow about myself.

The funny thing is, things at home seem to often improve after I lose my temper. This time was no exception. Rather than sparking a response of defensiveness, DH responded to my temper with kindness and by rising to the occasion. This is despite lots of conversations, effort to be supportive, encouragement - yet screaming and crying for a couple of days made a difference.

This leads me to think I've actually been too patient. I am both proud and insecure - a combination which makes me scared to criticize others lest they cease to love me, and willing to try to "do it all" rather than confront them (because I can do ANYTHING, I am all-powerful! I am independent and don't need any help! Oh, wait, I was wrong, and now I'm exhausted and can't even handle my own share, plus I'm screaming at you like a harridan - oops).

There's a subtle compliment in straight-forward criticism - it says, "You are capable of better, and you are open-minded enough to listen to what I say and use that information to do better." Conversely, there's a subtle insult in saying only encouraging things when you both know one partner is falling short. I do think DH has been depressed, and I think that undermining encouragement - from me - is part of the problem. Especially combined with the obvious signs of strain and the increasingly frequent breakdowns from me. Compared to the mixed messages I've been sending in an effort to avoid putting "too much" pressure on him, screaming and yelling was probably refreshing honesty. But I can do better than that.

I guess the lesson I'm taking from this is that I shouldn't underestimate DH's ability to handle criticism about his failures. Nor should I be afraid to treat him the way I would want to be treated when I let down someone I cared about. I would want that someone to let me know I disappointed them (and I'd want to know how badly), but I'd also want to know that they still love me. If they speak up, I get more control over my life because I am more aware of the consequences of my actions - and I can change them, and become a better person. I would want that.

Right now, the question in my mind is, "What do I do if this starts to happen again?" I'm very scared DH will slip back into laziness at some point, and now I know I should speak up and trust him to listen with charity and humility. But losing my temper isn't right, either. I need to find a better way to tell him when he's not living up to his responsibilities.

I guess I'm going to need to risk being a jerk to DH on a regular basis, and practice giving him meaningful criticism even though I know I'll get it wrong sometimes. I need to be less careful and start trusting him to love me enough to listen to criticism, and I need to trust him to be strong enough to defend himself if I get it wrong. Of course I'll be encouraging and congratulatory when he deserves it too - that's the fun part! Celebrating accomplishments together!

And I need to quit thinking that I'm capable enough that I don't need my husband to act like an adult. That's not patience or kindness. That's believing that I'm better than him. And I know I'm really not.

More cool things from the home front

2008-07-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

Some more things about home life that are putting a smile on my face:

- When I came home, Iliana was able to tell me about something fun that had happened clearly enough that I could understand it. Apparently, she and her sister ate cheese outside, at the little table (a toy picnic table set that was a gift from their grandparents)! She was very happy about the novelty.

- DH just helped me realize that I could combine a work task with a home task, and save a little time.

- A friend sent out an email about a subject she cares about strongly, which I also care about - but disagree with her about. DH sent out a simple, well-worded, fact-based reply that was far better and more graceful than anything I could have written, focused on sharing more information and fostering discussion rather than on "arguing a point".

Wow. I'm so glad I couldn't find the words now. What I wanted to say sounds arrogant and shallow next to his simple, to-the-point response. Best of all, he left plenty of room for reply - he didn't assume that what he said was the end of the discussion, but rather ended with a question. I think the question will be difficult to answer, but maybe there are facts DH and I don't have. The important thing is that now there is a discussion, and everyone is going to have a chance to learn a little bit more about the issue (drilling at ANWR).

So not only did DH do something I wanted to do even better than I could do it, he also modelled a virtue I crave (humility) and a skill I desire (fostering healthy discussion of important issues).

*Swoon*

5 things that give me the warm-fuzzies about DH

2008-07-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

I've written a couple of posts where I refer to the frustrations I've had lately because DH has really been struggling with his basic job. And yeah, it's frustrating, but at the same time I really believe it's worth the frustration. Right now, things really aren't completely "working" again since moving shook things up, but things are starting to fall into place and I'm regaining my optimism. There are a number of little signs that things are getting close to working that just make me feel warm, proud of DH, and a little less vulnerable (I'm not used to depending on someone like this).

1. Seeing his name, not mine, on the utility bills that come in the mail (he's taken over paying them!).
2. Coming home to a hot dinner, timed to be done shortly after I arrive! (I know that this takes planning and organization - so if he is using these skills for dinner now, soon he'll be using them in other places too :-)
3. Seeing new chalk scribbles on the brick patio outside, and even the crayon scribbles in the house - it's neat that he's teaching the girls to draw, even if the result is abstract, avant-garde colored-wax decor in inspiring new locations - like the toilit lid.
4. Having DH "nag" me about my chores. Because it means he's managing *my* responsibilities at home now, instead of the other way around.
5. Having DH remind me about focusing on my job via IM while I'm at work. Because it means he cares and values what I do at work and wants to make sure I'm doing it (I've been having trouble focusing lately - bad me!).

I think part of the frustration for me lately has been a feeling of vulnerability. For the first time in my life, I've allowed someone else to take over the primary care of the things I care about most in this world (our children and our home), and I'm scared that he's not going to rise to the challenge. I believe DH is capable, I'm just afraid at some level that maybe he doesn't care enough to do the work. That maybe he doesn't love the girls and I enough. Yeah, I know - I'm a really insecure individual.

:-P

And yes, I know this post is rather intraspective and diary-ish, but I always said that this blog was more of a diary than a web log. I don't care that much about my own reactions, I get those every day while I'm musing and driving to work :-) But if someone reads this and has a thought to share with me, I always love that! And if no one has time or interest - well, I can't blame them. It's my life, after all, and the things on my mind - I'm not making an effort to write for other's interest.

I guess I just want to say, if anyone reads this and thinks, "geesh, this is boring, why does she even bother?" and feels bad - don't. As a diary, the main audience here is actually myself. You should feel free to be bored, or think that this is a bit silly and angsty and that other people have much bigger problems.

But if you *do* read this and leave a comment, you'll make my day! ;-)

Monetary value of a SAHP to their family - specifically, my DH

2008-07-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

I was running through the numbers of how much DH saves us in dollars by being a SAHP, and how much value he provides - as well as thinking about how much a SAHP *can* provide. There is a point to this, besides simple number-cruching - but I'm going to show that point at the end.

DH has been a SAHP for 13 months now. Calculations suggest that he's saved us $18,066 in childcare expenses so far (we've paid for part-time care for much of that time). I've also been out of the house more recently due to falling behind in work and a longer commute, resulting in him providing another $1,137 or so of care that is added value - totalling $19,203 of value for childcare alone.

On average, I'd say our grocery bill has dropped by about $100 / month and the quality of our meals has risen by $100 / month. So that is another $1,200 of savings and $1,200 of added value, totalling $2,400 for food.

We went without a car for 9 months, something we never could have done on two incomes. We saved $2,500 up front in repairs and another $400 / month or so in budgeted car expenses (maintenance, insurance, gas), so $9,600 for transportation savings without a car. We also were able to buy a cheap, unreliable car when we wanted a car after moving, rather than spending more for a reliable vehicle - but I have no estimate to calculate savings from. Savings: $9,600 in transportation costs (and then some).

We pay less for our benefits, since we no longer have the two-company's-benefit-plans penalty. On my old job, this would have been around $100 / month, and at Microsoft that would have been $75. Savings: $1,100 in health benefits.

I'm not including housework, because I don't think DH has provided value in this area above his basic responsibilities as a parent and spouse (doing half of the necessary work - so I'm talking about a very low bar). Quite frankly, I think DH has failed in this area at many points in time, and his failures offset his successes so far. In general, our house has been messier, not cleaner, since he started staying home, even at points where I was doing more housework than when we both worked (since I had more free time). However, any housework above 1/2 of the necessary minimum work to keep a household running and healthy is added value that a SAHP often provides. I don't count the housekeeper we are hiring as an expense of our SAHD structure, since we probably wouldn't have done that cleaning as a two-income family and would have instead just lived with the extra dirt. Rather, being able to afford a housekeeper is a luxury that DH is earning for us through the money he saves us in many other areas by staying home. Savings: $0 in housework (broadly defined)

Other ways many SAHPs add to the value of a home include: homeschooling (what is the cost of an equivalent private school? plus the priceless flexibility and direct control over the curriculum and schooling style), building a social circle (what is the value of a rich social life and supportive friends?), gardening (providing the value of the food or flowers grown minus expenses), raising animals for food (many SAHM friends have chickens for eggs and the occasional broiler), small income streams, time-consuming and money-saving shopping at garage sales and thrift stores, repairing old clothes rather than buying new, and generally taking on well over half of the adult responsibilities of the home such as bill-paying and noticing what needs to be done and organizing it (this is more work than you may think!).

So what is the total that my DH has provided for our family in the past 13 months as a SAHD? $32,303 of pure, untaxed value. At a 15% tax rate (about how much he paid in taxes as an employee), that is the equivelent value of $38,000 income in 13 months, or a salary of $35,076 a year. Note that this is just the monetary value - it doesn't capture priceless value, like my daughters spending over 40 hours per week more with a responsible, loving parent instead of in a day care.

Which brings me to my point: DH has been hearing a lot from me about my frustration with his failure in his housekeeping responsibilities as an adult and parent lately. And yes, there is a problem there that he needs to address. Then he gets to have the fun of getting me to address my own problems that have built up while covering for him :-) So basically, he still has a lot of work and room for improvement, and not all in the good way. But even with these shortcomings, he still has provided our family with the equivelent of a $35,076 salary plus other priceless value. And this is in his first year after a major career change, without much in the way of prior training. He never went to college to be a SAHP, nor did he do many of the chores and childcare activities I did growing up. He had just over one year of experience as a working dad - which is a lot like going into a field that normally requires a BA with a single year of college, and still earning a normal entry-level salary.

Wow. That's pretty cool. But what if it's not enough? What if he wants to give our family more value? What if he, well, wants a "raise" and a "promotion"?

A SAHP is his own boss, manager, business, etc. ("His" since this is geared towards DH, even though most SAHPs are mothers). There are many ways he can give his family more value. He won't be able to show the number on a paycheck, which is why maintaining a list and doing a calculation like this occasionally might be a good idea. Sure, having our kids and family happy and healthy is a great reward - but it's also a little intangible. Sometimes a tangible black-and-white number is motivating, even if it doesn't capture everything. To get a "raise", he just picks new activities that can provide more value to his family and adds them to his work week - whereas an employee has to first talk with their boss to get new responsibilities. Yet another intagible benefit of being a SAHP: The ability to manage one's workload flexibly, doing more when you have more energy and less when you are overwhelmed, rather than being constrained by the business' needs.

For example, doing an additional 3 hours of housework or family management work a week (above and beyond the half that falls under "basic parental responsibilities that you would do in an two-income family") is probably worth about, oh, $60 a week, or $260 a month. Instant raise of $3,120 a year, or 10%, in untaxed value. Your family will either feel the benefit as a little more time for your spouse (if it's work that she would have done), which can be spent instead doing more housework, relaxing, or doing something fun with you or the kids, or else will be felt as less mess and stress (if it's not something your spouse would have done).

And if he doesn't like doing housework? Well, maybe he can engage in higher quality childcare - taking the kids outside the house, doing pre-school like activities to help them learn and develop interests, reading up on parenting and applying what he learns. He could easily raise the value of his parenting to $15 or $20 an hour, with a huge boost in value provided to the family - and an increase in the priceless value of such wonderful modeling. He could get over a 60% raise, with enough interest and creativity! That's the equivelent of a $62,500 salary (pre-tax) - plus an amazing example of a parent for our kids. And a lot of fun, hopefully - nature walks, museums, parks, homemade toys and crafts, and more. To get more of a "raise", teach the kids skills like housework and gardening that provide additional value to the family and get raises for both.

And yes, if DH provided more value in other areas, I wouldn't be sore at all about taking on more than 1/2 of the housework. The issues we've been having aren't really about housework. They are about an uneven split of responsibilities as adults in our household. We don't need to "earn" the same amount of money as each other, but we should both be feeling the rewards of our hard work. I don't care if the "earnings" are split equally, but I would like the rewards split to be closer to equal.

Newspaper estimates of the value a SAHP provides top $100K. The reason it is so much higher than my estimates here is that they include the value provided just by being a responsible parent and spouse - one half of the necessary housework, including paying bills, managing housework duties, tracking them, laundry, cooking, and necessary cleaning and repairs. You can probably all see how this could easily cost $30,000 apiece if we tried to outsource all of this work at fair market value.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more note, specifically to DH, and on something of a tangent:

Please, please, please tell me about your day. Let me know what challenges you faced, what annoyed you, and what accomplishments you've managed to fit in between the potty-training, snack-making, and endless small crisises. Tell me the cute things the girls did, and the surprisingly smart things they said (and talk about the temper tantrums, too). Even though I can't share in the family work during the day, I still want to be part of the team. Hearing about your day (and the girls' day) after being gone for eight hours reassures me that I still matter. I think telling me about your day also really helps you realize how important your work is, even if sometimes it seems to you like nothing happened or it was all really trivial stuff.

When you don't know what to say, just give me the chronological summary: what time they got up, what they ate for breakfast, what they did between breakfast and lunch, what they ate for lunch, when they napped, what they did between nap and dinner, when they last used the potty, and if they've eaten dinner yet. Then I can understand a bit more about how they and you are acting - I can tell if you are annoyed with me, or just tired because the girls have been throwing tantrums all day, and I know if they are dancing strangely because it's fun or because they really really need to go pee but don't realize it yet. I know I've asked this in person many times, but I also know you read this blog :-) Seriously, hearing about your day is the high point of my day. No exaggeration.

With love,
Your Wife
Who posts openly about our personal life in a public diary, and is grateful that you allow me to do so :-)

Response to Linda Hirschman

2008-06-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

This is an email I wrote in response to this article by Linda Hirschman.

What I like:
- [I fel the s]ame as [another wife of a SAHD]about the glass ceiling at home, although I haven’t been taking this for granted :-) but there’s been a lot of resistance when I ask for help in getting through it. This is the negative attitude that has been chaffing me so much, I think – the social reinforcement of that glass ceiling, even from those who should be most interested in breaking through it.
- Hirschman’s really trying to change things. That’s good. And she’s thinking outside the box. We need new thoughts on feminism.
- Hirschman focuses on how the path to being shouldered out starts early – college choices, marriage choices, etc. My husband made all the choices made by the young women she describes, for different reasons, but with the same results (but like many of these women, he’s happy with that).

What I don’t like:
- She dismisses the idea that women generally have authentically different values than men as conservative brainwashing, and then dismisses any woman who has those different values or believes women are fundamentally different as being brainwashed / socially pressured.
- She measures women according to traditional measures for men, and dismisses traditional measures for women as being without value. I think this is tragic - we need to apply traditional measures for women more broadly, to men *and* women, not throw them out – just as we applied more broadly the traditional measures for men when women entered the workplace (showing we valued men’s goals and ambitions).
- She has a very dismal (and in my experience, inaccurate) view of staying home. Maybe she doesn’t enjoy changing diapers, but my work as a SAHP was the most challenging, engaging work I’ve ever done. And I do have a challenging, engaging job, too – something many women don’t have.
- I find her description of SAHP work as being “lower caste” insulting to my husband, who does it, and even more insulting to me, because I asked him to do it (I am not an oppressor!). If we don’t value SAHP’s work, then the problem is in our values – not the work. And Linda Hirschman exemplifies these demeaning values, the real problem.
- She is insulting a large group of women, who would rather stay home, and makes no attempt to understand them. She simply dismisses them as a lesser group of people, unworthy of full consideration.
- She implies that there must be equal numbers of women in the work force working equal hours for feminism to succeed. Even if this is actually not what most women want.
- I don’t like her claim that women should only have one baby. This will distance her from any woman who wants two children more than she wants a career, and encourage “opting out” by implying that the two goals – multiple kids and career – are incompatible.

What I felt was missing:
- Debate about if career being equal to power and status is a good thing, something bad that can be changed, or something bad that cannot be changed. She seems to just accept that it IS.
- Mention of the wrong done to men because they are incapable. I know many men who are interested in staying home, but don’t see it happening because most women are more capable at home and their wife will already stay home to recover from birth and initiate breastfeeding.
- The obvious (albeit long-term) solution: Teach our boys to do housework. Make them as capable as our women. Give them the opportunities (and responsibilities) that we have.
- Discussion of the power or influence that women (and men) can wield inside the home, even to show that it is less than the power and influence of the workplace. She only points out the negatives.
- Discussion of social changes (like flexible workplaces, childcare subsidies) that could help. For someone complaining about how women lack power, she is slow to suggest working for broad change.

I think this premise is strongly applied, but poorly supported: “. . . what they do is bad for them, is certainly bad for society . . .” And this line, several paragraphs later, is ironic: “Good psychological data show that the more women are treated with respect, the more ambition they have”. It makes me want to yell at her, “Geesh, Linda! Then RESPECT women already, all of them! Don’t limit your respect to just those women who believe as you do and hold your values.”
I think Linda Hirschman needs to look at the group MomsRising, which is a way SAHMs can have political power – working moms too, but since many events are during the day, their ability to help is limited. I think she needs to think outside the cubicle to see how SAHMs (and SAHDs) can influence the world around them in ways working parents just . . . can’t, or not as well.

Other thoughts, from my experience:
I actually did “marry down” – not exactly intentionally, but it happened because I didn’t care about “marrying up” and, since I knew I could breadwin, I was more interested in a good father than a breadwinner. Which is exactly what I got  I’d like to know how many other SAHD wives *did* marry down, intentionally or otherwise. I get the impression that the man’s lower income is often a significant factor in him staying home instead of the wife. I rarely hear of a situation where the man was equally capable of bringing in a high income and still opted out (although it’s out there).

Also, I actually do want to opt out, and am making plans to do so despite being the sole income. I want to cut back to part-time and live on ½ income for our entire family in ten years (the earliest I think we can afford it). DH and I are really excited about this plan – part-time at 35, retired at 55. I think there are a lot of families where both parents would rather stay home than work, but creating a family where both parents are primarily homemakers / parents is tough and unconventional. However, if we can pull it off it will be really, really cool. And we can have a big family  Something I’ve always wanted.

I wonder what Linda Hirschman would think of our “half-income family” plans. A step in the right direction, because it’s more equal and challenges common assumptions about gender? Or a step back, because another woman is opting out?

My team (at work) rocks

2008-06-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

http://gizmodo.com/5017416/microsoft-mistakes-browser-war-for-browser-party-sends-firefox-a-lovely-cake

Hee! For those who don't know, I'm on the Internet Explorer Test team. No, I didn't know about this cake - but it's uber awesome and fun.

I need to write something about SAHD families

2008-06-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to find the words to say something about what I see in the world of SAHD families. It's at odds with most of the media coverage lately, which has focused on successes and on the dads. I want to say something about the moms, and about the tough situations. I want to say something about the support we need, and don't get, and why we don't get it.

Right now I'm working on finding the words. And then I'll work on writing it, and figuring out how to make sure the right people see it and comment on it. I'm hoping it will be controversial. I'm hoping it will make people stop and think. Right now, I just want to hear people talk. I want to fill the comments section of this blog. I want moms and dads, stay-at-home and working, to comment and talk about this.

But first, I need to work out what exactly to say and how to say it.

I guess I'm posting this first to make sure I don't forget, to commit myself just a little so I don't forget the passion I feel right now.

Sometimes I need to remember that I do love my husband.

2008-05-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

My DH (Dear Husband and Darn Husband, at the same time) isn't really the provider type. And I'm okay with that. I knew it long before we married, and if I ever wanted to complain about it, the time was then. I conciously chose to accept that part of him, just as I chose to accept our difference in faith, his beard, and his rediculous interest in the Lovecraft mythos.

So I was thrilled when events steered him into his current role, as a SAHD. I had dreams of no longer being in charge of the home, of being able to focus on earning an income and being a mother while he fathered full-time and managed the household.

If you know me, you might have picked up that things haven't yet worked out that way. You might be aware that I am frustrated with how things are going. A few people are aware that I am very frustrated, including my DH.

And quite frankly, I've been a little scared to talk about it. There's avoiding the stress of going through the whole, "Why I'm Not a SAHM" explanation. Or worse, if I shared everything going through my head with someone who didn't absolutely believe that marraige is forever, they might suggest that I get a divorce.

I could definitely imagine someone recommending divorce. After all, my husband seems to be unable to provide our family with any more value than, say, a nanny. He can either work full-time to pay for a nanny to watch our children, or he can stay home and give about the same about of monetary value that way. I can just hear someone trying to make a financial argument about how I ought to trade up. I can hear it because there's a part of me playing Devil's Advocate lately, testing that devotion, trying to get a rise out of myself.

But I have an answer for that Devil's Advocate. And it's the answer to a number of questions I've had for years, which can be summarized by an ex-boyfriend who would have been a great provider and a strong husband: "Why him? Why him and not me?"

I didn't marry a financial asset or a good provider. I married a companion on the journey of life. I married family, and not just any family - I married a husband.

When you are taking a trip with a companion, you don't just walk away from him in the middle of nowhere when things become inconvenient financially, or troublesome in terms of the amount of work you are doing. Especially not when that companion provides richness and wonder to your life just by being there. Instead, you work as hard as you can to care for your partner until you reach the end of your journey, and take joy and comfort from his prescence and his happiness, and hope that he will care for you if someday you cannot go on without that help.

I am tired, I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel taken for granted. Sometimes I think I would have less work to do if my husband weren't here. But the work my husband does is only part of the value he brings to my life. His prescence is more than justified merely by the joy and pleasure I get when he is happy. If all he did for our family was to make himself happy and provide himself with real, lasting joy, our family would be rich indeed.

I've never met anyone else who could make me feel this way. "Feel" doesn't cover it, though. I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time. If he values a meal I create or appreciates the way I fold laundry, then suddenly those things can become more pleasurable than the most engrossing novel, or the best-crafted video game (I am a geek, of course I enjoy video games).

I do love my husband. He is a wonderful man. And I need to quit focusing on the financial value he provides the family and focus more on the richness my life has because of him. Really, all I need from him is for him to be a nanny, and for him to be happy and to be happy with me. I can happily do the rest, as long as he is happy with both of us.

I think it is our mutual frustration that have made things rough lately, more than any other factor. If we can get rid of that and do the things we need to be happy, like sharing our affection for each other, we would probably be fine. And we have been doing that, and it has helped. That, and I really want to know what my husband needs to be happy. But I think right now, he doesn't know either.

I don't know how to help him with that problem. For me, happiness is usually a clear goal that I am always getting closer to. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really know what happiness looks like, unless he currently has it. How do I teach someone to be happy?

I can think of only one way, but with everything else I'm trying to do - I'm not sure I have the energy to teach by example. I need someone to give me that energy . . . but whom?

Yet again, the ultimate solution to my problems, once they are distilled to their core, seems to be prayer.

P.S. When I talk about how I love my husband, I can't help but draw parallels between that and the way I should love God. "I've never met anyone else who could make me live this way. If he smiles at me and tells me I am doing well, then I find I do not need as much rest or leisure time." I wish I felt that way about God, too. It says an uncomfortably great lot about me that I don't.

But as Father Steve said, faith doesn't always start with love of God. Sometimes it doesn't even start with the desire to love God. Sometimes all we have is the desire to desire to love God. But because of God's love for us, that is enough.

Father Steve was right about an awful lot. So I'll trust him on this, too.

So many things happening in my larger family

2008-05-21T11:45:00.001-07:00

My mind is abuzz with changing family dynamics.

The biggest thing buzzing in my head is the news that my closest older sister is going blind. There are more tests to be done, but in about 20 to 30 years or sooner, she is likely to be blind. She is already planning, looking at the blessings God has given her that will help her through this.

My younger half-sister recently got in touch, and we will be meeting soon - as soon as my older sister is done moving to her new home that she just bought.

My next older sister recently got in touch with my birth mother's twin sister, and it turns out that she is "a very kind christian woman." Wow, how neat! My maternal grandmother is still alive, and I have her name. My maternal grandfather died 8 years ago. I would have been 17 then.

I'm very ambivalent about these changes. It's sad that my sister may be going blind, but I'm glad it's not sudden and that she will be able to prepare. I'm glad to be discovering new family, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed from everything changing in the last few years in my own family and really just wanted to settle down and asorb things here. Just for a few months.

I guess I'll just take it slow, one day at a time, and focus on the joy of these changes - and let my sister know that I'm here for her and her family, no matter what. Probably everyone will be too busy for me to get to know my new aunt right now anyways, just like has been happening with my half sister.

My *younger* sister. LOL, only another youngest-of-many child can understand the joy of no longer being the youngest. Yeah, I have a half-brother as well, plus a half-sister I've never met, but they are so far apart in age that it really isn't the same at all.

More humor - potty horrors

2008-05-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

Our girls are ready to potty train. Which is what Bjorn is doing today. However, the pre-training fascination with all things potty-related (especially pee and poo) has given us a couple of fun anecdotes. I'm too tired to write this well, but you should get the gist of how things have been going.

WARNING: Parents will think this is hilarious. Everyone else is at risk of thinking it is disgusting. Do not read while eating.

You've been warned.

There are actually two potty anecdotes, which I will record here for posterity, and also so I can drag these stories out when my kids are teenagers, after they graduate from college, and when one of my daughters is running for President. Or taking vows to become a nun, that would be just as funny.

The first: My daughters have started enjoying using the potty. They also have been starting to play make-believe games, like pretending to be a kitty, or pretending rounded blocks with a square block on top are a car.

Make-believe games, like pretending the vent in their bedroom becomes a potty when they remove the cover.

That's right. Our daughters have been peeing in their bedroom vent. Who knows how manny times. Ugh. I guess that explains the strange smell in our house (it seems to be mostly better now).

Which leads to the second story: To try and curtail the vent-peeing, we left a baby potty in their room one night (since it seems to happen after bedtime usually).

Two hours later, they still hadn't fallen asleep. We went in, and found that one of our daughters had a very large bowel movement in her diaper (and was obviously a little sick, to boot), removed the diaper, and placed the non-gushy parts of the diaper into the potty.

The amazing thing is, she apparently remained standing the entire time since she removed her diaper - which had obviously happened a while ago - since her bum was filthy, but the bedroom was mostly clean. We had to wash a few blankets, but the carpets and walls were perfectly clean, and there were enough clean blankets that we didn't have to go hunt for more.

We are really lucky that the daughter who did this is the one with a strong sense of "clean" and "yucky". Really lucky. Really, really lucky.

I am a geek.

2008-05-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at work, writing a bit of code that looks something like this:

if(File.Exist(Server.MapPath(@"~\Directory\" + filename)
{
NiftyClass.DoSomethingCool(baby);
}
else
{

//I get to this point and then stop and realize . . .
//"Do or do not, there is no else!"

Then I noticed that I was writing code for a living while laughing at geeky coding-and-Star Wars jokes, and realized that my dreams of being a True Geek were fullfilled.

I just love that line. I'm putting it in the comments of my application for posterity.

Incidentally, this is why I should not write blog posts after 5:00 pm on a Rosary night. Or code.

Fun, tangential, barely related but humerous story: The first time I ever drank illegally underage (Mom, Dad, don't read this) was when my older college roommate gave me a bottle of a cheap kool-aid like alcoholic beverage. I tried to think of something cool to do while tipsy, and came up with the bright idea of trying to do my introductory programming homework.

Buggiest code I've ever written, debugging it the next day was hilarious!

Friends don't let friends code drunk.

Confession . . . we don't follow our budget

2008-05-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

I've given up on budgets. Not entirely, but they aren't all that useful for us. They are more useful as descriptive documents, describing how we *have* spent our money in the past. And as a theory, for planning purposes, to get an educated guess of where we will be in a few months.

I really wish I could get the budget to work. I like the idea of being so organized, of joyfully pointing out that we are under-budget sometimes. But it just doesn't happen. I can never track our spending that well. I can only manage a general, "Well, our spending looked something like . . . THIS."

So I'm going to try just tracking our savings / debt repayment with a nifty tool online called "NetWorthIQ". It's much easier, and keeps me focused on the real goals - paying off our house, retiring early, doing something with our lives besides working for "The Man", having more time as a family. I want to make a real difference in the world, and that's easier with financial resources.

I want to travel abroad, help people build and rebuild, work hard, live on little . . . but that's another life, after my children have grown older (maybe they'll come along?).

Hrmmm . . . how many people can say they've planned for their mid-life "crisis" at the age of 25?

Thinking happy thoughts

2008-05-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

I've realized that I've fallen into a bad habit lately: I complain a lot. Which doesn't make sense, considering how much God has blessed our family - especially during the last year. But in spite of all the good things, I've been annoyed by the small, bad things - mostly frustration with my husband, in spite of how much good he has been doing.

So, I'm going to start using this blog more as a diary and log some of the good things that happen. Starting today.

Let's see, starting on Tuesday: Bjorn replaced my dying scooter batteries for me, without me even asking! All I had to do was read the instructions from the laptop - he TOTALLY took over the work for me, and even took over managing the work and just bossed me around. At the end of a long day of work, I was so ready for someone else to do the thinking.

Then Bjorn told me we had a box of produce sitting on the porch. Our delivery from the Klesicks' CSA! We got avocados! I love getting surprise-produce every week. It's like getting new gifts every Tuesday. I don't think I'll ever check the website again to see what we are getting. I really enjoy that little weekly surprise.

Wednesday, we had a team lunch. Free food is good, and the company was great. There was some bad stuff, but it'll make a good story for the DH tonight. And last night was also Rosary group, always a breath of fresh air in a busy life.

Today I got in to work, and someone brought in doughnuts! Yum, sugar rush.

And in general, my cross-stitch project that I've been working on while commuting on the bus is coming along nicely. I think it looks better than the sample picture.

Man, my life *is* good. Why do I waste time thinking about all that yucky stuff? When I could be looking forward to some of the good stuff I'm expecting in the next couple of days, or making even *more* good stuff happen?

So, new goal: Focus on making good stuff happen, rather than getting rid of all of the bad stuff. That seems to be what's worked best in the past, I just didn't even realize when I started doing things differently. Too much work as a software tester, which is all about recognizing the bad things and getting them out of an otherwise good project.

That "software tester" approach doesn't work for life - I need to be both the developer and the tester in my life. I need to develop my life and add desireable features to it, as well as recognize the bugs and expugne them. Too much focus on either side is bad. Moderation in all things.

Savin' gas

2008-04-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else, we're trying to cut back on gas. Our plan is pretty simple:

- Create a budget, in terms of total miles per week. We're aiming to stay under 100 miles per week (they will 'rollover', so we can save miles for a big trip to visit family). For us, that's around 5 gallons of gas per week, or $18.95 per week in last Sunday's gas prices.

- Remove the back seat. We're getting an extra mile per gallon that way. 18.4 to 19.3 mpg or so.

- Use cruise control when possible. We get about 1/3 extra mpg - so up to 19.6 mpg (highway). This is a minivan, btw.

Longer term, we'll probably try and cut back even more. However, we do need to take the occasional trip to pay homage to the relatives who have helped us so much during the past couple of years (and even before then).

Other ideas that may help us eventually lower our gas budget:

- Getting things delivered. Good ol' CSA's can handle most of our groceries, for example - thanks to the friend who reminded me about the Klesicks'! Who are delivering our produce today *squee*!

- Running all of our errands on one day. We need to get a bit more organized to pull this off well. Also, Sunday is a natural day for this since we need to drive to church anyways - but do we really want to be working on Sundays? I guess it depends on the nature of the errands. A library trip on Sundays would be great!

- When the overpass is completed, we will be walking distance from Silver Lake Park (1 mile). And yes, we know how long 1 mile is when walking with twins - that's how far it was to the affordable grocery store when we didn't have a car.

- Using the electric scooter for errands. Because carrying things in the bottom of a double stroller just isn't that much fun.

We're in an unusual place in that we are far less dependent on our car to begin with than the average family of four. So we don't feel the pinch of rising gas prices the way other people do - we just change the flow of our lives a little and move away from gas. We will probably lose some of that flexibility as our children get older (and, dare I hope, more numerous?), so I'm going to enjoy it while we have it!

There must be 50 ways to help the planet

2008-04-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

I found a link to a nice list of 50 Ways to Help the Planet while dinking around on the web, and thought it might be fun to go through them and see how many I'm doing and make to-do's (for months out - too busy right now) to change some of my habits. However, 50 is a bit much for one post, so I'm going to do 10 at a time until I get bored.

Here are today's 10:

1. CHANGE YOUR LIGHT
This one is about switching to CFC's instead of incandescent lighting. We've done this in the past, although since we've moved I don't think we've switched out all of our bulbs. We do have CFC's on hand to replace lights as they burn out. I actually already have a to-do to look into LED lights - supposedly longer-lasting, lower-energy than even CFC's, and without that stressful hint of mercury. Also more expensive up-frount, however. Since we have CFC's on hand an a related to-do, I'm marking this "In Progress".

2. TURN OFF COMPUTERS AT NIGHT
We could do better about this one. We often leave the laptop, as well as other electronics, on 24/7 when they aren't needed. I just created a to-do for this.

3. DON’T RINSE
This falls into my husband's area, as the dishes are solidly his responsibility. However, I created a to-do to ask him if he is rinsing, and recommend that he try seeing if we really need to with our new (to us) fancy dishwasher that came with our house. This saves time and money and is green - so definitely a habit worth changing, if our dishwasher can handle it (our old one couldn't).

4. DO NOT PRE-HEAT THE OVEN
They do mention the exception for baking. I generally already do this when I'm the one cooking. This is my husband's area more than mine, so I'll bring it up and let him decide - to-do created. We don't oven-cook that much, so it's not really a big deal for us anyways.

5. RECYCLE GLASS
We do this. Recycling is so ubiquitous here that I can't imagine anyone not doing this - especially when you don't even need to sort your glass from the rest of your recyclables in this area!

6. DIAPER WITH A CONSCIENCE
Use cloth or environmentally-concious disposables for this one. We used cloth for two months, but couldn't afford the nice diapers that change quickly. Taking two to four minutes longer for a diaper change is a big deal with twinfants, since one baby is usually crying the entire time that you are changing the other. We used cheap generic disposables for a while, but once we were able to afford Seventh Generation we gave them a try and haven't gone back - great quality! For our next child, I want to give Fuzzy Bunz a try - they look quick and easy. But we're so close to potty-training now that we can't really justify the investment until we know we'll have another baby to use it with.

7. HANG DRY
Also Bjorn's area. I don't think he'll be willing to do this, especially since we live in such a damp, wet part of the country (greater-Seattle area). I think I'll put this down as something to consider for summer, 2009. Honestly, I'd really like to talk to people who actually do this in the local area before I try it - especially since it means I need to take on the laundry.

8. GO VEGETARIAN ONCE A WEEK
We've already reduced out meat consumption some - enough to fulfill this item on the list - but I'd like to get to just preparing a meal with meat once a week (leftovers will probably last multiple meals). So I finally got around to creating a to-do for that. We also have a to-do in similar vein about looking into buying local, grass-fed beef from a CSA to reduce impact.

9. WASH IN COLD OR WARM
This is about not using the hot/hot for clothing. We already do this, using hot/hot about once a month for whites (if anyone remembers to wash them on the special setting), and otherwise wash using cold / cold or, for the very messy, warm / cold.

10. USE ONE LESS PAPER NAPKIN
This inspires three or four to-do's. First, get cloth napkins at home. Second, quit using paper towels (may need more cloth towels, or just easier access to the cloth diapers we use). Third, store a kit of re-usable napkins and silverware in the car for fast-food dining.

So there are 10 items analyzed for today. I may or may not go through another 10 later. I came up with seven new to-do items for our list out of these ten green ideas. Hopefully we can gradually make these small changes to live a greener (cheaper!) lifestyle - like good Christian stewards should!

I'm loving my life right now!

2008-04-25T13:21:00.001-07:00

Pardon the rambling nature of this post. This is really a diary entry, more than anything. I want to remember these thoughts when I am old, grey, and wearing purple (or going barefoot ;-)

Life has been good the last two weeks. I mean, really, really good. A lot of the work and pushing I've been doing . . . well, pretty much since leaving my parents' house . . . is starting to bear fruit.

First, work is finally becoming everything I hoped it would be. The first six months were rotten, mostly because I wasn't doing anything related to the job I was hired for. Now I'm working with ASP.NET, C#, a little SQL - this is the stuff I was made for. Oh, and I'm picking up new skills left and right. Last week I learned the basics of CSS. This week I figured out some basic AJAX using ASP.NET.

I'm always surprised by how easy new skills like these are for me to learn. Mainly because there are so many things I'm naturally bad at, and it wasn't until fairly late in my childhood that I finally learned that there were things (other than reading) that I was naturally good at. Mind you, I'm not complaining - I learned a lot of life skills by "not being good at anything." God has His plans.

On the "real life" front - home and family - there have been even more changes. The move to our own house last month was a dream come true. Our house is beautiful - everything we need and most of what we want! If I say more than that, I will be blogging for an hour, telling you how much I love this house and its grounds. We need to do a little more work than when we were renting, but it is labor that feels very meaningful.

Of course, moving is a disruption, even when you are moving somewhere wonderful. The hardest thing has been figuring out the tricks for commuting from so far away. We only have one car. We bought it just after we bought the house, a gas-guzzling minivan that we hope to drive very little. So driving alone to work is (a) not good for the environment and (b) leaves my husband home with the kids and no car - and no parks in walking distance until they finish the construction at the nearby freeway overpass. Bussing in (a) requires me to travel 5 miles to get to a bus stop that will get me to work in under an hour (30 minutes if I hit the right bus!) or (b) takes a full two hours one-way.

We ended up getting me an electric eGO scooter from Craig's List for my birthday, and it seems to be working to get me over those five miles. Plus it's fun :-) Sadly, the batteries are three years old and need to be replaced - right now, they are dying after just 10 miles, right on our driveway! If they deteriorate any more, I won't be able to use my scooter. The new batteries were pricey, but are in the mail now.

The girls are so much fun at this age. I really have no idea yet where that "terrible two's" thing comes from. I've been warned that the three-year-old stage is actually where it gets rough. But every day is a new story right now. Last Sunday we took them to grandma's, and went down a steep hill on the way there. Lenora first says, "Down hill!" repeatedly. Iliana chimes in with, "Careful, car!" and then Lenora switches to saying, "Don't fall down, car!" They seemed only mildly concerned - just giving a little advice. I don't know if they were talking to our car, or the cars around us. It was a great little glimpse into how their minds work.

We have a social life, too! We were asorbed into a group of families that meets to pray the Rosary every Wednesday - and to do so much more, as well! We're actually having friends over for dinner this Friday - they had us over last Saturday - and tomorrow I'm going to a baby shower. Next weekend we may be helping someone move and will bring dinner to a family who just adopted a new baby, so they have a little more time with their new family member. I think my husband is a little overwhelmed, but for me it's . . . well, another dream come true!

I've always wanted a group of friends I admire, and who I actually have something to give. These people make friendship so easy and light-weight. I usually am scared that trying to do something will seem, oh, I don't know - patronizing? Overly intimate? Somehow, doing something nice often seems to have so many invisible rules attached to it, and it stifles sincere giving. That's not true with these people. They accept joyfully and gratefully, and give as easily too! After the one-or-two children only, dress-your-kids-hip atmosphere that permeated Seattle, it's like getting a glimpse into something deep and real, but also bright and fresh. This may seem an extreme similee, but it's like a glimpse of Heaven.

If any of the mothers or fathers of these families reads that last paragraph, they will laugh - because there is also so much familial chaos. These are real people, with real problems and worries. But that's what makes them so great - they are so REAL. They worry about their families, their friends, their homes, holiness, work, rest, finances, helping others, and finding time to relax. They don't worry so much about their friends' fashion sense, for example, or the relative sizes of everyone's paychecks. They don't worry about why that family only has two kids (we're Catholic - bigger is better for families, so sayeth our culture of Life ;-) - nor do they act shocked by a family of eight. They recognize the very diversity our culture so eagerly pays lip service to. They try to remove planks from their own eyes before motes from the eyes of others.

I'm sure I'll have frustrations and awkward moments with these people from time to time. But for now, I'm enjoying a freedom to be who I want that I haven't felt since I started college.

This is the life I daydreamed about as a late teen - so close to my imagination, it is unbelievable. Where things are different, they are generally better.

God, I don't deserve this. But I am learning almost as much from these blessings as I learned from periods of relative hardship, so - thank you, Abba. For all the things You have taught me.

What lessons do You have planned for me next, Lord? I am waiting with joy!

But first, back to work . . .

Thoughts on expanding Dave Ramsey's "Free Cars for Life" plan

2008-04-07T16:29:00.001-07:00

Dave Ramsey's website has a neat video on getting "free cars" for life after six years of paying no more than you would pay anyways for the payment on a new car. Sadly, I can no longer find the video - so no link.

Basically, instead of buying that shiney new car you want, you buy something much cheaper for second hand with the cash you already have on hand. You may need to save a couple of months to get this cash. You drive that car for 11 months, and for those eleven months you put the amount of money you would have spent on the new car's payment into a money market account. Then you sell the old car for about what you paid for it, since old cars do not appreciate very fast, and use the money you saved to buy a better used vehicle. You drive that used vehicle for about five years, and continue banking the amount you would be spending on the payment for a new vehicle into the money market account. By the end of the sixth year, you should have enough money in the account that you can buy a new car, and the remainder of the money in the account will earn enough interest over the next six years or so (I don't remember) to cover the cost of another car.

The idea isn't perfect - if the market does bad for six years, you won't have your car money. On average, it should work out, though.

I like this idea. We don't care about nice cars in our family, since we know we could do without a car if we had to. However, we love our computers and tech equipment. We really want to get fresh equipment, but once we "stock up" we could try doing this with computers, LCDs, printers, etc. Honestly, this idea could work with anything you could do with less of for a while. Save the difference somewhere where it gains interest, live "like a refugee" for a while, then draw from the earnings to live like a king.

MomsRising slogan

2008-04-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

Right now MomsRising is having a slogan contest. I entered :-)

I think MomsRising is a great group, trying to do something very tough and very important. They are working to break down all the arguments in the media that have divided mothers lately and make progress on motherhood's common ground. There are a lot of suggestions, including some I like and some I don't (and one I hate).

The ones I like:
- Unite mothers
- Focus on common ground only
- Focus on the main issue and not a pet issue
- Sound good to the ear
- Are simple
- Are clearly calling for action

The ones I don't like:
- Express one side of a debate that moms are split on (MomsRising is trying to avoid this)
- Only represent working moms, probably the most easily targeted parts of the MomsRising audience - we need to target those who aren't as easily involved. We need SAHMs to say where they stand.
- Are too domistic-y and might put off working moms, who are probably the majority of the MomsRising audience (although I did like, "Good Bread, and Good Moms . . . Rise Up!" - I'd rather err on this side, especially if there will be more than one slogan used)
- Are too wordy
- Don't explain what MomsRising is
- Focus on one problem, when MomsRising is addressing many problems and policies.
- Aren't clearly political (often of the "Moms Rock" form - we need to do good, not feel good)

The one I hate is a pro-choice message. Errr (buzzer sound), wrong, MomsRising is not pro-choice.

In fact, I think the greatest issue MomsRising faces is in avoiding the following stereotypes:
- Partisan, Democratic (they try to be non-partisan, but many of the solutions are changes to federal laws - hence, best led by Democrats)
- Working-moms only (MomsRising wants to represent all moms, but the workplace is the place where moms are most clearly discriminated against - fair solutions for SAHMs are harder to recognize)
- Pro-abortion rights (I really think MomsRising as an organization wants to avoid this issue, but there is tension from the membership with the desire to follow feminism)

MomsRising is feminist in that it represents a group of women. However, this isn't the anti-man, all-moms-must-work feminism that so many women hate. This is political feminism, seeking through political action to give women realistic options. This group is ACKNOWLEDGING that women are NOT the same as men. We have different values. We have different goals. Whether this is cultural or biological doesn't matter. Feminism doesn't have a right to dismiss the views of women who come from a different culture than "approved" feminists as being lesser. If you believe all women are equal to men, you can't follow it up by saying that some women are more equal than others.

MomsRising is NOT feminism itself; it does not claim to represent ALL women. It is a branch of feminism. A natural result of women being empowered is that groups of women with something in common - like motherhood - can now seek to have their needs met through political processes. Without including all other women. If only the female pro-choice groups would do the same, instead of co-opting the "feminist" title and dragging it through the mud. But I digress.

I also took the time to create my own idea. My suggestion?
"When politics divide
MOTHERS UNITE!"

Happy celebration month to us!

2008-04-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

April is a fun month in our family. Although Easter's presence is sporadic, we can count on three birthdays (or four, depending on if you count days or persons born) and a wedding aniversary. Yesterday was the twins' second birthday. Today is our third wedding anniversary. The 12th is my 25th birthday. And the 30th is my husband's 30th.

Unfortunately, the move was so exhausting that we probably won't celebrate most of these holidays very much. This has been par for the course since we married. As newlyweds, we were tired from the wedding. The next year, we were new parents. And last year, everyone was getting sick and we were juggling two incomes (and I was hating it).

We've started to celebrate our anniversary twice a year, two smaller celebrations, with the larger celebration happening at our six-month anniversary on October 2nd. Often we'll buy something we were going to buy anyways, and call it a joint birthday gift. Hrm . . . we've been wanting an LCD monitor . . . I think I know what we're getting this year. I'll see if that works for Bjorn.

The girls had a wonderful party last Saturday (we're still eating leftover cake and sandwich meat) with 11 other kids of various ages. It was a ton of fun, very informal. The only stressful thing was realizing that Costco didn't open until 9:30 AM on Saturday, when we set the party for 10AM and ordered the food for 8:30 AM . . . oops. Having the house full of kids was wonderful, and I want to do it again many more times.

Forgot to mention: For our anniversary this night, Bjorn cooked salmon burgers, and stir-fried peppers, asparagus, and artichoke hearts in garlic and olive oil. Mmmm. I did help a little :-) We enjoy cooking, but haven't had time even for rudimentary cooking lately. He just finished, so I'm going to dish up - and then we'll watch Stargate together until bedtime.

Nothin' fancy, but I honestly would rather this than a sit-down meal. I like entertainment with my food, and restaurants with shows are too pricey.

WHO on health care - the US ranks 37th, but why?

2008-03-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

The WHO assessed the world's health systems and found that the US ranked 37th. This number has been bandied about a great deal, and my fellow blogger at "What the Hey", after hearing this number on "Sicko", followed her curiosity to find out where it came from. The result is a thought-provoking post that I hope will be followed by a post of her own thoughts on the WHO assessment.

Please read the WHO article on the assessment for yourself. Once you do, read on to hear my own thoughts on the article.

The main thing I want to draw attention to is this paragraph:
"In designing the framework for health system performance, WHO broke new methodological ground, employing a technique not previously used for health systems. It compares each country's system to what the experts estimate to be the upper limit of what can be done with the level of resources available in that country. It also measures what each country's system has accomplished in comparison with those of other countries." (emphasis mine)

The bolded part is confusing and inappropriate, unless this explanation of the measurement gets passed along every time someone quotes the ranking of a country from this report. When we hear that the US is ranked 37th, we expect that the US is being ranked against only the other countries, not also against the level of resources available in that country. We automatically say, "With our resources, why aren't we #1?" The answer is, it is because of our resources that we are so very low. Because we have much, much is being expected of us. This fact needs to be made clearer when people pass these facts along. Even better, the WHO should focus on a ranking based on just the italicized (by me) portion, and give the other ranking as a supplementary statistic.

My other issue is that there was no mention of weighting the indicators. Overall health and distribution of health were only two of five indicators - were they also only 2/5ths of the weight? In my opinion, these indicators are far more important than the others. These indicators represent the goal of a health care system: healthy people. The other indicators - responsiveness, distribution of responsiveness, and distribution of cost - seem to me to be fundamentally different, more ways to reach both overall health and a good distribution of health than actual ends in and of themselves. I also do not think distribution of cost should be included, but rather that the WHO should measure people's ability to attain healthcare at all after meeting their other necessities. Otherwise, they are measuring not the health care system itself, but people's access to luxeries after buying health care - which is not the sole perogative of the health care system.

I thought this statement was a bit strange: Dr. Frank said, "What we are seeing is that in many countries, the poor pay a higher percentage of their income on health care than the rich." Why is this, specifically, a problem? The poor also pay a greater portion of their income on food and on housing, I would guess. It is no surprise to me that the poor spend a higher portion of their money any given necessity than the rich. As long as the combination of necessities (including taxes) does not exceed 100% of the amount of money a person / family can reasonably earn, I think that there is no moral obligation to fix the situation. While I would be thrilled to support a national policy that seeks to free up, say, a minimum 5% of EVERYONE's income for luxeries after necessities like health care, food, utilities, and shelter (assuming the person is making a reasonable effort to earn the cost of necessities + 5%) - I don't feel we have a moral obligation to do so.

I guess that my question is, why does health care get preferential treatment over food and shelter, such that all *should* pay a flat portion of their income? Why don't we tax to provide all with basic food, as well? And shelter? How many countries give tax-supported food and shelter universally? I'm skipping the standard discussion of socialism here. My point is that, while I support universal health care in the US, I do not think that a health care system that results in the poor paying a higher portion of their income to health care is innately less fair - and therefore, the WHO should not be measuring this "indicator". I believe that universal health care is better, but that is more because I believe that improving quality of life for the poor in general benefits all of society greatly. There are many ways we can spend money improve the quality of life for the poor to get closer to achieving the maximum net benefit for society; universal health care simply seems to be the easiest at the moment. However, we could instead provide universal food and housing vouchers, freeing up money to be spent on healthcare instead - just as one example, I'm not seriously proposing we do this.

I am also suspicious about other hidden values (beyond the clear bias towards universal health care / evenly portioned health care costs), although this one article doesn't have the information I need to assess this. I want to know what "respect for persons (including dignity, confidentiality and autonomy of individuals and families to decide about their own health)" includes, for example, under responsiveness. I want to know if that includes things like easy-access abortion "rights" for women (at the expense of the fetus' right to live, and the doctor's right to keep his job without performing what he may believe is murder, etc.) - as just one example of a possible innapropriate attempt to measure healthcare quality that might fall under this bucket, but is based on a set of health values that is not universally shared. I personally would argue that enabling abortion decreases health, since it ends many human lives that could have lived, if only there were a better support system for the woman's pregnancy and the child's care after birth. The WHO assessment may not include such non-universal ideas of health under responsiveness; however, I want to find the time to track the information down so I can know for sure.

Neat poem about St. Brigid

2008-03-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

I ran across a poem about St. Brigid while looking for prayers to saints Brigid and Bernadette, since those are the saints whose names I borrowed for my children's middle names. It's a cute poem, but I also liked the commentary by the poster:

"There is a problem here. On the one hand, it can be argued that if our family members do not choose to make sacrifices for God we have no right to make that choice for them. . . . On the other hand, I far more frequently hear Christians argue that their sacred duty to keep everything nice for their spouses and children prevents them . . . from volunteering even quite moderate amounts of their time and money for worthy causes down the block. . . . You will note that Saint Paul, writing to the Corinthians, told them that marriage, while instituted of God and a sign of the union between Christ and His Church, was not without its dangers to the spiritual life of the Christian. But the danger he saw had nothing to do with sex. He was concerned instead that the married are tempted to overvalue security, to feel that they cannot afford, for their families' sakes, to take chances. . . . I have no final answer to give, but commend it to your consideration."

This really hits home. It's a dilemma that takes on a different shape for me, since I am the Catholic half of a mixed-faith family where the other half is agnostic. Right now I know I should be pushing to share more of our family's gifts with others - and yet, and yet . . . you can probably guess the myriad of ways that I end that phrase which begins "and yet". If you do not suffer from "and yets" yourself, undoubtedly you know someone who does.

There is one "and yet" that is worth mentioning: God has given me many gifts and resources, and yet I do not know, at this point, just how he is calling me to use them.

For now, I think God will be most pleased by me adding prayer and discernment into my life. But just in case, maybe I should start praying this little prayer: "If I'm wrong about Your Will, Lord, please hit me over the head with my mistakes so that I cannot ignore You, and lovingly correct my errors. Amen." A cheeky prayer, perhaps, but I believe it is also sincere.

Health care

2008-03-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I love having good health care. It's an unspeakable luxury, and yet it is such a basic necessity as well. Because of my employer's policy of providing employees and their families with great care for no cost to the employee, we've been able to visit the doctor as much as we needed without a second thought - and haven't paid a single cent yet. After years of having no health care, limited care, or expensive care - well, not even having a second thought about receiving good care is a major relief.

But you know what? After spending years with no health care, I would gladly lose some of the quality of my current health care to have universal health care in this country. What good is quality when so many people receive little care at all?

I would settle for good, free care for all people under the age of 18 (or 21 - to give young folks a chance to get their feet on the ground). I understand that some people hate giving others a free ride for even the most basic necessities, and don't agree with me that the benefits outweigh the costs. But seriously, people, give the kids health care at least. Don't make someone choose between taking her child to the doctor for a check-up or paying the electric bill, and don't make a child's health suffer for their parent's poverty. I'd like to see people covered through age 21 - buying healthcare in college was a joke for me, even at the low rate of about $550 a quarter.

Three different family styles

2008-03-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are in the unusual position of having tried three very different family styles during the last two years. We've been a traditional family, a two-income family, and a reverse-traditional family.

We first went to the "traditional" family three months before I gave birth to our twins. We didn't really have a choice. I was having trouble working due to painful side effects of the pregnancy, and had to quit. I stayed home until the girls were 8 months old. I can see why this has been a favorite family structure for so long. Breastfeeding was easier, and both my husband and I were well-supported in our new roles as SAHM (stay at home mother) and WOHF (work outside the home father). Our children and home got my full attention, and I knew that what I was doing was important and would change the world. I also enjoyed doing something so new (to me) and challenging. I loved staying home, and if DH had loved his job and made enough money I would probably still be staying home and just doing software work as a volunteer and for a hobby.

The killer disadvantage of the "traditional" family was that it wasn't economically feasible, for us. DH just didn't make enough at his job to cover health care, even with WIC helping to cut our grocery costs. We were still several hundred dollars short each month, and by the time I returned to work we were paying for groceries on our credit cards. DH also didn't enjoy his job, and didn't feel that it was particularly stable. So back to work I went.

Being a two-income, egalitarian family is nice in concept but difficult in execution. We had great, guilt-free childcare provided by my MIL three days a week, and DH worked four tens with Tuesday and Wednesday off - so he could take the girls two days a week. However, he worked late hours. Housework was still largely on my shoulders, although DH helped a lot with dinner and laundry. DH worked late, so four nights a week I put the girls to bed alone. Three days a week I did this after a busy day of work, not eating dinner until after 8:00 pm when they fell asleep, then stayed up until nearly 11:00 cooking, doing housework, showering, and getting ready for the next day.

The switch to a reverse-traditional family wasn't a new idea for us. We'd toyed with the idea of a stay-at-home dad since we were dating. At first the idea was just something thrown out, one of many possible futures together, barely glanced at before the conversation turned to something else. With me now being exhausted by trying to "do it all", we quickly picked the discussion up in earnest. Six months after starting the two-income routine, Bjorn quit - with envious encouragement from his coworkers (who were all laid off nine months later).

The hardest part of the reverse-trad family, for us, was figuring out where the lines were while Bjorn ramped up. I think people often don't realize how many skills housework and parenting take. Most of us who are (or have been) highly involved in homemaking built a large repetoire of skills over the course of our childhoods. Our mothers taught us their own skills. However, it seems like women get an unfair advantage in the homemaking department - and that was definitely true with Bjorn and me.

The result was a long ramp-up period for Bjorn. While he had very solid fathering skills, his homemaking-while-fathering skills hadn't really been honed. I, on the other hand, had very strong opinions about nutrition, cleanliness, and parenting. Letting go of the homemaking sphere is actually very difficult for me, and I still continue to do more homemaking and exert more control over the family sphere than a normal breadwinner.

That meant that I came home to a messy house and lots of work in the evenings still - but I wasn't on my own in the evenings anymore. Bjorn wasn't having his energy sapped by a job. Without the expenses of Bjorn working, we were even coming out a little ahead financially. Since he quit, we've been working on balancing homemaking work: He's been learning how to do more, I've been learning where I feel comfortable letting things go, and he's been learning to tell me when I'm being a busybody and need to back off and trust him. We still use a lot of temporary solutions, like the "honey-do" list (IM messages from me at work, now starting to become a two-way support system), but overall things are falling into place.

The other disadvantage of the reverse-trad family is subtler: Support is mixed. Some people supported us enthusiastically. Bjorn's coworkers saw him getting out of the rat-race, and cheered him. My coworkers saw me as a great example of a feminist, and seemed to appreciate that I would be staying in my career long-term. However, older people seem to be confused by a woman who "chooses" to work, and my more-traditional family ranges from supportive to one member who informed me that, as a woman, my job was inherently less stable than my husband's (this was before his entire team was notified that they would be laid off) - and also that I would never be able to bear being away from my children (to her credit, I sometimes have to remind myself that my paycheck is a form of parenting - I am providing food, shelter, clothing, and more to my kids when I am at work, so I am still mothering). However, this problem is fading as those who know us see things working and adjust, and as we become used to the slightly surprised or confused reactions (and even enjoy them a little).

The reverse-trad family isn't right for most families, but it also tends to be overlooked sometimes. In general, I think families that choose a smaller income and fewer hours at work don't get the acknowledgement that they deserve - nor do we recognize the skills, energy, and quality of life that homemakers and childcare providers give us. There's more to quality of life than a GDP, after all.

Should really start posting some of these old drafts . . .

2008-03-25T08:27:00.001-07:00

I seem to keep writing drafts, and then not publishing them. Often, these are the posts where I am noting my opinions on things that matter to me. I think I kind of chicken out, heh. Other times, they are posts about things going on in my life that never got finished because, well, when things happen in my life I just get really busy.

Then I get some time to blog, but because I have something else that I want to say I don't post the old posts. And I feel awkward posting twice in one day before going silent for a week or two, so I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow.

I'm going to quit doing that. Just an FYI, you may see several posts in one day - and then nothing for a while. This blog really is intended to be more like a public diary, and diaries shouldn't have to keep schedules.

I am a "family man"? or, The search for labels that I like

2008-03-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

For some reason, stepping outside of the normal roles for men and women by becoming a "reverse-traditional family" has made me crave definition. I think it is the fear that people will assume I am a "career woman", putting the "fulfillment" and "stimulation" of the adult workplace before my family - with the implication that I don't find my family to be important, fulfilling, or stimulating.

This probably sounds a bit silly, but having a label helps me work out the appropriate expectations for me to have of myself. I am very used to being the main person doing the housework, since during the early relationship and before I went back to work after the girls were born I did a great deal of the homemaking. I can easily start to feel responsible for too much, and start trying to control things that are now in my husband's sphere of life. Labels give me stereotypes that I can use for role models.

I finally realized what kind of label feels right. I want a female version of "family man". You know, the guy who has a steady, stable job and gets promotions - but never at the expense of his family. He's there for his kids' birthdays, he picks up the groceries and runs errands on his way home from work, and he helps out around the house. Of course, I am not identical to this old, comfy stereotypical man. When at home, I mother - my parenting has a distinctly female style to it. I also do "woman's work" at home - I cook meals rather than do repairs, and fold laundry.

Whatever I am, I absolutely am not a stereotyped career woman, although I am a woman with a career. I will probably get raises and climb the career ladder and be proud of what I do at work - I might as well enjoy myself, since I am stuck there for at least 40 hours a week either way. But ultimately, my job is an extension of my work as a parent.

Whew. I needed to get that out there. Now I've stated my position clearly, and I can quit feeling defensive. LOL, it should be so easy!

Oh, right, we moved into our first owned home. Well, we own it - but we also own a 30 year mortgage that comes with it. I should mention that. And probably blog about it. But that's old news, we moved on Monday the 17th.

Still overwhelmed . . . and I hate parties.

2008-03-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

I don't seem to have the drive for consistent blogging, but I guess that's not a big deal. I always half expected by blog to be more of a personal journal than anything. I just don't have the energy to try and coax people to read my words.

Right now, I am depressed. And for one of the silliest reasons in the world, too: I just went to a party. My team just shipped Beta 1 of Internet Explorer 8, and so today was a day of celebration.

I thought I'd gotten over that "alone in a crowd" feeling back in high school or maybe as late as college. Nope. It's still there. Fortunately, I'm now smart enough to just go take a break rather than try and tough it out, but I'm still feeling very depressed after an afternoon of good (free!) food, socialization, playing Rock Band, and getting free drinks (both alcoholic and caffeinated). Each activity was enjoyable in and of itself, but altogether something was just overwhelming for me.

What a silly disabilty to have. Party-fun challenged. Erg, needs a better name. Maybe I'll grab a thesaurus and make something up later.

Time flies . . .

2008-02-19T19:32:00.001-08:00

. . . when you have waves of illnesses going through your home, are buying your first house, and are nearing the beta release of your product at work. Has it really been three weeks since the last time I updated?

Not for lack of things to say, I assure you. I went through a fascinating lunch meeting with several other working moms whose husbands are SAHDs that is screaming for a blog entry (later, though), and the girls have been doing tons of neat stuff. Lent is always a time for reflection, and all kinds of meaningful thoughts have been ambling through my brain. There are the hiccups in the weaning process . . . in other words, fairly normal life for a young family of four.

Right now I'm too caught up in the thousands of details of our busy lives to focus on anything else. So that's what I'll write on - the details.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to start with Lenora's latest five-word sentence: "I want . . . more . . . pepper . . . too!" The story behind this is pretty funny. Our girls saw us putting pepper on our food. Since we like spicy stuff, we use quite a bit. So of course, they wanted some as well. So we put a little pepper in a pile on their plate, assuming that they would taste it and then demand milk and get upset with us - but would hopefully also learn something. Well, no such "luck". They dipped their broccoli into the pepper - and LOVED it! Iliana demanded to be allowed to serve herself her own pepper, and that was when Lenora delivered another fine five-word zinger.

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The current big craze / phrase in the household is, "purple, purple, purple, hey!" My MIL's SO started this, and it's now one of the girls' favorite phrases. In general, purple is really in style around here. And orange. I'm just happy it's not pink. I'm not very fond of pink.

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We've been having fun dreaming about what we want to do with our new house. It's a big house in excellent condition, but cost more than I had originally planned on spending. I'm honestly struggling with feeling embarrassed about it - and both the dreams and the embarrassment deserve their own posts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also want to write a post on health care. After going from no care, to little care, to the best care around - I have a few thoughts on the matter.

_________________
Edited to add: This post claims to have been written by Bjorn, but it wasn't. I (Ethel) just accidentally posted it from his Google account. Whoops. I'll fix it later.

Day 12 of mother-encouraged weaning

2008-01-26T23:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it certainly doesn't feel like I'm weaning the girls. While we are making progress (I think), it's mostly at bedtime - and they are nursing more at other times to make up for it, so they don't actually nurse less. The advantage is that bedtime is the hardest time to distract the girls from nursing, so if they quit nursing at bedtime I just need to focus on distracting them from nursing during the afternoon to go nursing-free. Now we are offering them a choice of pacifiers, or milk right before bed - seems to be working, although we'll have to wean from the pacifiers later.

I think once they are routinely skipping the bedtime nursing, I'll probably try to have them skip nursing all day one day a week, then two the next week, then three days, and so on until they are just nursing on weekends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some neat things the girls have started doing:

Lenora is learning her colors. I thought she might be starting to grasp them about a month ago, so Bjorn and I have been working with her (and a little with Iliana, but she doesn't seem to get colors as well). She now recognizes purple easily, and requests purple items and orange items specifically. She is starting to get green, and yellow and will occasionally recognize red or blue correctly.

Iliana, on the other hand, is practicing another skill: Asking, "Why?" This one blind-sided me. I simply wasn't prepared to have to start justifying our rules to our children quite this early. The first time she clearly asked it, she wanted to know why she shouldn't go downstairs after her bath. I fumbled out something about how it was inconvenient to have her downstairs while we're upstairs and how we were busy trying to get pajamas and diapers on her. I needn't have bothered working at it so hard - she was more interested in getting any explanation at all. She looked so pleased with herself by the time I was done talking!

Lenora has started singing her "AFB's" - that is, the Alphabet Song, but a bit tuneless and with random letters that she likes alternating with F. "A, F, B, F, Y, F, A . . . " Iliana isn't as good, but does sing her "UBU's" - mostly just alternating between U and B, and with absolutely no tune at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the big anecdote . .. We were watching an episode of Full House from the season with the twin boys. In this episode, Jess has to punish his toddlers, and during their time-out they call him "mean Daddy." Ouch. I joke to Bjorn that if we're not careful, Lenora will pick up on that and start saying it. About two minutes later, she does just that - "Mean Daddy!" and laughs.

But it gets better . . . when I start encouraging her to say "Nice Daddy" instead, she first repeats herself for a bit - then starts saying "Nice Mommy". If she weren't a toddler, you'd think I'd have set this up ahead of time and bribed her.

And a little more . .. we finally get her to say "Nice Daddy," so in the interest of equal treatment (or something), she spontaneously decides to also throw in "Mommy bad."

Definitely a story worth writing down and saving for when she gets older.

Day 1 of mother-encouraged weaning

2008-01-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

I just put my girls to bed without nursing for the first time in 3 or 4 months. Even though I came home 90 minutes before bed, and even though I was interacting closely with them most of that time, they still accepted my discouragement of nursing. First DH helped me distract them with dinner, and they accepted my refusal to nurse in exchange for extra cheese and frozen teething toys. Then when they started asking for milk again we moved to baths, and they were happy with that. Then stories and pajamas and one more story, and then Iliana climbed into bed without being asked - so I finished reading Lenora the story quickly, tucked them in, and started giving out kisses.

Finally Iliana realized she wanted milk and started to cry. We told her firmly but kindly that it was too late and we were going night-night, and then turned the light out and left. We know from experience that any attempts to calm and soothe this late in the bedtime routine usually backfire, as the other child gets upset and confused by the change. Iliana wasn't happy about it, but she didn't melt down either and quit complaining as soon as we left the room - and moved on to playing with her sister, rather cheerfully.

Lenora is actually still awake, almost an hour later, talking to herself quietly. They've been doing this at bedtime lately - playing, chatting, singing, and occasionally running around the room after we put them to bed and walk out. It's very cute, and the thing that really impresses me is that they will put themselves back to bed without any fuss when they get tired, with no help from us.

And now . . . silence. Wow.

"Family-led" weaning

2008-01-15T19:55:00.000-08:00

I had originally planned on getting as close to child-led weaning as a working mother possibly can. However, I gave that up before a year as night-wakings for nursing were hurting my abilty to work during the day. I opted to night-wean just after a year, after pump-weaning at 11.5 months. Since then, I have allowed my children to nurse roughly on-demand during the waking hours of the day when I am home.

Now I am finding that nursing so much is starting to chafe. Right now, almost all of my precious time with my children is spent nursing. I think complete but gradual weaning is the solution that will be the easiest on everybody, so I am moving to "mother-encouraged" weaning: Gentle weaning mainly accomplished through distractions that doesn't push the child very hard. I'm doing this now because the girls are in a less-clingy phase, and I suspect that if I don't wean in the next month or two then we'll be in a clingy phase again. Then I'll have to wait 3 or 4 months longer to have such an easy chance to wean again. I don't really want to nurse that much longer.

I've been nursing my twins now for 21 months, and think "extended" nursing should be considered normal and weaning before 14 months should be considered "early weaning". This isn't to say that there is anything wrong with weaning before 14 months - I do believe that there can be excellent reasons to wean early. However, I think that later weaning and child-led weaning should be more common and would love to see them normalized.

At the same time, I find the "all or nothing" attitude that some radical lactivists express towards weaning to be off-putting. I don't think child-led weaning is always the right decision for a family. I think of the style of weaning used in my family as "family-led" weaning: Every one gets to have their opinion heard, and the best choice for the entire family is selected. There is no pressure on Mom to keep nursing no matter what. The only pressure is to keep nursing as long as the reasons to continue outweigh the reasons to quit.

What is this blog?

2008-01-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog, I was planning on it being a way for me to explore my love of parenting and motherhood and share family news with others. Since then, I have changed a lot and I'm finding that more than just being a mom, I am specifically a Catholic reverse-traditional mother.

I am a mother who puts family first by being in the workplace full-time so my husband can be with the kids. I am a feminist who believes women are the equals of men and should be treated equally in the workplace. I am a devout Catholic wife who wants a large family and prays the Rosary (well, at least during Lent).

More challenging is that there aren't really many role models for reverse-traditional families. There are a few blogs, and there are some online groups for Dads. Support for the mothers is even more limited, probably because it's assumed that the transition from home to work is easier since moms have been doing this for decades. I've found, however, that the challenges of a reverse-traditional family are unique even for the woman. Since we've done traditional, two-income, and reverse-traditional family styles during the last two years, I think I should know.

So the nature of this blog is changing, and it will show up in the content. Eventually it will probably manifest in the title as well. Right now it's still just a personal blog, but I'm wanting to explore even more the challenges in our unique family style. Hopefully I can also share some of my family's love of technology, our car-free lifestyle, the Catholic faith, and (of course) an update on the wonder and challenges of our life with our beautiful twins.

Where have I been this past year?

2008-01-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

I started this blog back in January of last year, as attempt to give myself a place to journal and share family life. Since then, so much has happened and I just didn't keep up. Hrm, shall I tally the excuses?

Let's see, first there was the influx of Norovirus in mid-February, followed by everyone in the family getting sick every two weeks with a new bug for the next three months. Several minor visits to the emergency room. DH and I could barely balance our jobs and sick time, much less find time for blogs. Oh, and we also moved at the same time - we moved in to our new home at the end of March, and didn't finish the process until mid-May when our lease ended. Some point in there the girls learned to walk, turned one year, learned to climb stairs and much more.

By that point, the balance of two jobs and two kids was getting to be too much for me - so I told DH to set the date that he would give notice, or I would give notice. By the end of May, we were a reverse-traditional family, officially: A family with a SAHD (stay at home dad). The next few months were culture-shock for Dh and I. Life was easier overall, but there was a new source of friction in the family as responsibilities shifted. Keep in mind that only 6 months before DH quit, I had been staying at home while he supported the family.

Then we started into autumn, and I was nearing the end of my contract at work. My job would end November 30th, and I needed to find another job before then. I found it - a full time position at Microsoft testing Internet Explorer 8. The job search was time-consuming, and then I spent the holidays trying to balance ramping up in a new job that I love against family obligations.

And that's where I've been this past year.

Edited to add: Forgot to mention going car-free. Our car broke down back in April, and we borrowed cars for a couple months before finally realizing that we didn't need a car at all. We quit using cars (except Flexcar) back in August, and finally got around to donating our car in December.

How are the girls doing?

2007-01-13T22:58:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd just run through a bunch of the small but significant things going on in the babies' life. This entry is mostly intended for family.

Lenora currently has three teeth, but will have more soon. She is going through some really tough teething, and has been taking infant painkillers almost constantly for about three days. We can tell as soon as the painkillers wear off, day or night. Iliana is taking a break from teething, and has two teeth at the moment.

Iliana might be trying to say her first words - the great-grandparents on the Maier side think they may have heard her attempt at "good" and "Lenora". I myself could swear that she was trying to say "duckie" when playing with her favorite bath toy. It sounded like a normal "duh" sound, followed by a vague "geh" sound. Lenora is picking up verbal skills much slower, probably because she is too busy moving to talk. Today she did the first babbling I have heard from her - finally!

Both girls are crawling like champs. Lenora has been crawling since early December, and Iliana seemed to get tired of being left behind by her sister and worked it out just after Christmas. On the first day that Iliana really had the hang of crawling, she and Lenora were inseperable! They crawled all over the apartment together and played nicely together all day. Since then, they have only been growing closer. I was very surprised to see this sisterly behavior show up so soon.

Shortly before Iliana learned how to crawl, the girls learned to get themselves into a sitting position. Lenora only learned this skill a couple of days before Iliana did. Then Lenora learned how to pull to a stand around the time Iliana learned to crawl. I think it took about another week before Iliana pulled into a stand as well. Now both girls do some limited cruising and love to have someone hold their hands so that they can practice walking.

Iliana has also picked up a few new skills during the last couple days. I saw her stack one block on top of another several times yesterday, and she has suddenly started putting toys inside of things. Laundry baskets, the bottom of a set of open drawers in our kitchen, cardboard boxes, grocery bags - anything may end up with a random toy thrown into it these days!

Eating skills have been picked up quickly, and solids are becoming easier as the girls are able to eat food more and more like what Bjorn and I eat. They've had some of almost everything that isn't considered a major allergy risk. Cooked fruits and veggies, small pieces of meat, bread, and cheese are all parts of their diet - not to mention a disproportionate amount of Cheerios!

We've been trying out the baby sign language, and I have to say that I'm a fan. While I think Iliana's first clear word isn't that far off, Lenora will probably take a little longer to talk. However, Lenora signed the word "milk" during early December when she wanted to nurse (and then forgot it), and has shown that she understands several sign language words. Iliana signed the word "milk" yesterday while nursing, and also shows that she understands signed words nearly as well as Lenora (I think Lenora is a little bit better at understanding sign language). Hopefully the sign language will cut down on the frustration of the pre-verbal months. Apparently it's twice as useful for twin moms - at least, many of the moms in my twin moms group, Eastside Mothers of Multiples (EMOMs) rave about ASL for babies.

We're working on creating a photo gallery of the more recent girl pictures using a free service that will make the process easier than creating our own gallery. We're still working out what, though. Highlights include babies in the snow, babies unpacking groceries together, and lots of babies in high chairs.

Quit being cute so I can get some sleep!

2007-01-13T22:50:00.000-08:00

Last night Iliana woke up, and then Lenora woke up shortly after. This isn't all that uncommon, but it's always a hassle since I need to wake up Bjorn, get his help getting the babies onto the nursing pillow before anyone gets too worked up, nurse, and then wake Bjorn up again to get his help returning the girls to their sleep spaces.

Well, we went through this routine last night, but when the girls returned to their cribs they didn't just fuss for a few seconds and fall asleep. No, instead they used their growing motor skills to stand up. Still, nothing that out of the ordinary - except that instead of crying at us to make it better (which usually means another trip back to the pillow for everyone) they started shrieking good-naturedly at each other! They were little attention-getting shrieks, like a game of baby Marco-Polo!

Very cute, and yet another sign of their rapidly growing sibling bond. Nonetheless, I was very relieved when Lenora climbed down, laid herself down, fussed a little, and went to sleep. Iliana continued to call at her a little more, than started crying. I got up and brought her back to bed with me, cuddled close, and let her nurse to sleep.